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Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 08:11 AM

It has been nearly 6 months since my D-day, I found out 3 months after BF cheated, and truthfully during those 3 months I KNEW something wasn't right and that something had happened.

I will start from the beginning. BF and I have been together 4 years and 4 months. Back in August we were having a rough patch and I left, we are young (22 now) and I had always believed that when I was in love I would always feel like I was in love (now I know that is not true). Back then I felt like we were failing and that I was falling out of love and I am ashamed to admit this but I was getting the attention I was craving from BF from another man (nothing sexual happened until I was single). By attention I mean he took an interest in what I had to say, my beliefs, things I was interested in - basically just listened to me. (I DID NOT cheat)

A few weeks after leaving BF I knew I had made a mistake but I was so far in I felt like there was no getting back to him and by that time he had already met another woman.

Things never happened with the Om and we just became friends.

In October I finally worked up the courage to tell my ex that I still loved him and the day after we met up for a chat and 'fun'. That was a Monday and we decided that we would give things another chance. On the Friday of the same week we got together in the evening and had a long talk about us and what we wanted and where we would go. He said he was still talking to the woman he had been meeting up with but not in a sexual way and that he would tell her that weekend that we were back together and that he wasn't going to see her anymore. I later found out he was gaslighting me for me for those 3 months.

Well he did see her that weekend but he did not tell her about us and told me that he did not say anything about us because 'nothing' happened and that they had just snuggled in bed and watched a movie and then she had stayed over (how the hell is that nothing happening!!!) well after that she was basically out of the picture, he never saw her again and I thought he had not even spoke to her and then she ended up deleting him off of facebook in November.

We spent Christmas with his family and it was good, until we got back to his flat. I found a friend request from her and flipped. That whole time I felt like I was getting lied to and was being made a fool of then a month later was D-day. He had stayed at my flat the night before and had logged onto facebook on my laptop but had not logged out so when I went on after he had left for work his facebook was still open.

There were no messages from her but there were messages from his friends from the period of the first week we had got back together.

From those I found out that the day after we had got back together he had been sexting her and because she refused to come over to his flat and he did not go to hers because they were both so 'tired' he had tried to get me to come over to his flat to relieve him because she had got him 'so riled up'. He was talking about this with his friend and his friend was encouraging him!!!!

There were other messages from when we were apart where he was saying that he was going to try it on with my sister and a old friend of mine.

well after reading those I text him confronting him about it and he admitted it and said he would leave work early so he could come to mine and we could talk about it. Well that was the worst day in my existence. When he got to my flat later that day he admitted to cheating with her the Saturday AFTER we had spent the night together and spoke about our future and how we were going to fix us and he had said that nothing sexual had happened with her that week and was not going to happen again (he had told me back then that he was seeing a male friend of his that day but I knew he was seeing her in my heart).

He also admitted that for a week and a half after we got back together with her he was still in regular touch with her, nothing sexual after he had slept with her (may I add that was the first time they had slept together!!! wtf!!!).

I decided that I still wanted to be with him because I literally can not imagine a more painful existence. He assured me that there was absolutely no emotional relationship there and that he didn't even find her attractive (why sleep with someone you aren't attracted too???).

The past 6 months have been a major struggle, I am fighting the pain and anger and hatred everyday. And no, I do not trust him - I am not sure if I will ever trust him again.

I hate this other woman, I have little fantasies about what I'd do to her if I ever saw her but thankfully she dropped out of university (the same one I attend, the same one he attended, and now works for. VERY hard to walk around those halls and not think about it) and moved back to Norway (YAY - I hope she feels like a big massive failure) and I am constantly angry at him for doing it after the struggles we've went through together and how hard it was for me to admit to him I was still in love with him and that I was wrong.

Just why would he do that, what did she have that I did not?

[This message edited by Ellephantastic at 9:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 08:46 AM

I really wish I did not know about the A. I wish I didn't know about any of it.

Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 10:17 AM

How has the relationship been since discovery? Does he own up to the betrayal full on or kind if down play it? If he doesn't "get it" that would cause major unrest. Did he ever formally break it off with her or did she just kind of move away & out of your lives? I would think you would want the security of knowing he would no longer be in contact with her in any fashion. You need that security if you don't have it.

It is a very excruciating situation, infidelity, betrayal. I say it's like I got hit by a train & it takes time to heal. Don't be too hard on yourself to "perform"

If you say you will never trust him again though, y'all can't be in reconciliation. You throw up your own road block with the mindset of never trusting him again. It will become it's own mistress.

You have to at some point be able to trust him again or there will be no point. We can't live with one eye open.

With that said, HE needs to show proper & correct responses for a remorseful, cheating spouse. If he isn't you will not want to commit. Not in your heart of hearts.

I dissect the shit out of this. I have notes. And now SI posts & SI support. We are not lost. Not without power, wisdom or strength. We might feel like shit but there we are.

Hang in there Elle. You will get to the bottom of this & get your life back under control.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 10:21 AM

How has the relationship been since discovery? Rocky. Very rocky.

Does he own up to the betrayal full on or kind if down play it? If he doesn't "get it" that would cause major unrest. He admits he did it but whenever I get upset about it he is silent, there is no reassurance that it won't happen again, that he loves me etc etc. He doesn't even just say 'I love you' when this happens, its just nothing and a guilty look.

Did he ever formally break it off with her or did she just kind of move away & out of your lives? He never formally broke it off with her, just stopped talking to her.

[This message edited by Ellephantastic at 10:57 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 10:24 AM

I WANT to learn to trust him again but he is not helping me to do that, that is why I say I find it unlikely that I will trust again, until I get the help I need

ArableSands posted 7/15/2013 11:05 AM

Just why would he do that, what did she have that I did not?

He did it because he felt he was entitled to or that he would get away with it. It's possible that he did it because he wasn't thinking but I'm getting the sense from what you've written that he quite deliberately made these choices.

What does she have that you don't? Very probably nothing. Sometimes it's because she was just there, convenient and available. I read somewhere that cheaters usually "cheat down" -- that is, they usually cheat with someone who isn't in their league nor in the league of their spouse. This gives the cheater a sense of power and control and that can sometimes be exciting for them.

Your BF has acted like a complete dirtbag. He'd better be grovelling at your feet pretty much every day.

[This message edited by ArableSands at 11:06 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 11:09 AM

He did do it deliberately. When I asked why he did it, his response was because he wanted to sleep with her and that he was only thinking about himself.

ArableSands posted 7/15/2013 11:20 AM

Right. So it comes down to him feeling entitled, regardless of the emotional blast crater he leaves behind. What an asshole.

It's only been ten days since I found out myself. My wife is also an asshole.

Hang in there Elle. We're all pulling for you.

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 11:29 AM

I read a lot on this forum , and I do believe relationships evolve , I believe people fall in and out of love with one another , I do believe that's entirely possible , but one thing for sure , when someone betrays another person , when they are intimate with another person , that breaks something in their partner . I know people forgive but never forget , and it is literally impossible to un-know something. God my life would be completely different right now , had my Ex fiancé not felt the need to tell me she was now dating someone I used to know... and my god how different my life would be if she didn't tell me she spent the weekend with him , after 3 weeks apart from me , after 12 years together, and MY god how different my life would be had I not called her on my birthday again and again and again , hoping to hear " J happy birthday" but what I finally heard was " call one more time and you will hear OM f-cking me"... so I know all about not wanting to know, or not hearing something, in any case I am sorry you are going through this, keep posting here, and keep reading, I have found helping others helps ease my pain quite a bit, and at the very least it allows me to step outside of myself and try to offer relief

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 11:30 AM

Thanks ArableSands.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 11:52 AM

Soveryalone, I really don't think that any advice I give right now would be worth anything lol

All of this had made me need to be put on anti-depressants and I have (either rightly or wrongly) just came off of them after deciding that even though they WERE making me not as emotional, they were also affecting me in other ways and I just felt very 'flat' on them