it has been 6 months since D-Day and I just don't know what to do to move on and become me again, not this anger, vengeful, hateful person?
I don't know if there will be any of 'me' left when I finally let go.
"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"
Are you trying to R? Is your WS helping or standing in the way? Has NC been firmly established? Do you have all the details you want/need, and is your WS open, honest, supportive, accountable, remorseful, and kind? Do you have all the passwords to everything? Have phone numbers and email addresses been changed--willingly and proactively? Are you in MC or IC, and do you have support from anyone around you? Have you gotten a chance to scour the learning library on this site to get reading ideas and much needed support? Are you being kind to yourself, or are you judging yourself and your every action or inaction? Are you able to sleep and eat?
I would imagine when you read these questions, it feels overwhelming, but they don't all have to be answered this minute. They are just the early starting points along a very long and painful journey. The good news is that this is in fact a journey, meaning that it has an end. I promise. This is all going to get better. You will get better. The pain, anger, sorrow, grief have to be gone through before you can come to the other side, but you can do it.
A good therapist can work wonders if it's an option for you. Sleep and a decent diet help, as does exercise of any type and finding just one activity that eases your mind a bit. Telling your WS, if you know, how you think they can best respond to your anger, pain, etc. is also helpful. The anger is natural, but I know it can eat you alive; especially if it is very foreign to your nature. One thing I learned about the dynamic in my own marriage was that my anger occasionally got out of control. When that happened, I felt shame, horror, and regret. That allowed my FWH to stop dealing with his own crap to "help" me. His help made me feel even guiltier, and it enabled me to view myself as weaker and more pathetic than I really was, and to view my FWS as my rescuer--better than he really was. Needless to say, that was an awful cycle. Once I realized how it was skewing my vision and my perspective, I was better able to manage my anger and my reactions to it. By understanding the anger-guilt-inferior-resentment progression, I became empowered and much of my anger subsided. All that said, it was still very necessary to not judge of run from my anger; it was real and had to be felt and dealt with, but in a manner that was helpful to me rather than destructive. This took a long time.
Your're still you, E, even under all that anger and emotion. And someday you're actually going to feel like you again. Hugs.
I don't know who to be now or who I am.
I went through sexual abuse as a child and never felt like a victim but now I don't know any other way to describe myself.
That is a HUGE problem.
He must give you full access to all of his accounts,email,and cell..and those passwords.
You can not R without transparency.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I even gave him my passwords but still nothing
every time I bring it up it ends up in a fight and hes basically told me that if the fighting continues he doesn't want to try anymore.
[This message edited by Ellephantastic at 9:33 AM, July 15th (Monday)]
Honey,if he is refusing this..after he cheated on you..you need to 180 him. Work on building up your self esteem.
If he refuses transparency...why are you considering R-ing with him? As long as he refuses this one thing,you won't be able to trust him. You need to tell him he can either be transparent or leave. Really. Because you will never get through this if the WS refuses transparency. His refusing this also tells me he isn't remorseful. Regretful..maybe..but this is not remorse. Remorse is all about you and giving you what you need to heal..openness..honesty..etc. His refusing to do this is a sign he is still in the affair.
That you forced him to send a NC email..is another red flag. He should have done this willingly..right away.
Usually when a WS refuses transparency,it's because they're still lying and hiding things...and alot of time they are still in the affair.
You need to put a keylogger on the computer(not his work computer). Don't tell him. You need to take steps tp protect yourself.
Also..put a VAR in his car. Have you looked for another secret cell phone?
ETA: He is threatening you? That he will leave if you don't stop asking for what you NEED from him? That is so cruel and manipulative. If you asking for what you need is going to push him away...then it's best he leaves now...before he does anymore damage to you.
Im so sorry.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:41 AM, July 15th (Monday)]
I have no advice on not feeling like you, but again, I feel the exact same way so you are not alone....
But back to the bitch boots. You need to come up with a list of requirements for you to remain in this relationship and one of them must be 100% transparency. If he won't give you that, it's over. He doesn't sound remorseful and that is a requirement of Reconciliation. You absolutely can not reconcile with someone who has no remorse.
From the outside looking in, it seems like there are several things that could improve your R process. It sounds like you are pulling the vast majority, in not all of the weight in R. You "forced" NC, and while it's been maintained, it certainly would have felt better if he had been the one to do so (don't worry about that though, as many of us have been in the exact same spot. I mention it because it may be a source of continued anger for you if it remains a sore spot).
Similarly, he seems to be taking a neutral or inactive stance on other areas of R. Trust me on this, there is no room for an inactive or neutral WBF--R is a full on contact sport with complete participation and dedication. IMHO, if he's not actively helping with R, he's hurting it. You can't heal the relationship without his committed and consistent support and involvement.
Transparency also appears to be missing. Most of us need to learn to trust again; to do so, we need to feel safe. Some of that sense of safety comes from knowing we have access to all areas of our Wayward's lives, such as passwords to internet sites, phones, and everything else. A WBF who doesn't want to provide that information is likely waving a red flag. I have to admit that I overlooked/denied some red flags and paid dearly for it later.
It just occurred to me that I don't know much about your preA relationship. I'm assuming it is long term, but are you living together and have pooled resources etc.? I'm just wondering; it doesn't matter in terms of the emotions following betrayal.
I'm sure you've been told, or at least hope you have been, that his A had nothing to do with you. It had nothing to do with your clothes, weight, hair, eye color, personality, intelligence...It was all about him (it wasn't even about the AP, either.) You are absolutely fine the way you are. Being human and creatures of growth, there are always things we can change about ourselves to make our lives better. But infidelity can skew our healthy motivation to improve ourselves, and make us change just to please our WS/WSO. It sounds like you did a little of that and now regret it. Don't waste time or energy beating yourself up over it. It's completely understandable. Just keep working on hearing that inner voice telling you that you're ok, and that his cheating is a reflection of him, not of you.
I'm hoping that you can get to an IC to help you through this mess. You've been traumatized and need and deserve some support. You don't have a great deal of that from your WBF or others in real life, so a counselor would probably be incredibly helpful. In the meantime, the library on this site has some invaluable information. The link is in the top left corner of the screen.
E, I'm only speaking from my own experience, but I can't imagine your anger subsiding and healing occurring if things continue as they are. IMHO, your WBF really needs to up his game. He needs to become proactive in helping you and in learning about himself. R is really hard, and it takes both of you to get there. Hang in there.
I really don't think I have the strength or even the want to leave him. I know I deserve these things but, I, I will never get them
I'm glad that you know you deserve better; I completely agree. Keep that in the front of your mind because it will serve as the fuel to push you on to getting better. Focus the work on yourself, and the rest will follow.
How do I let go of the anger? It has been 6 months since D-Day and I just don't know what to do to move on and become me again, not this angry, vengeful, hateful person?
I don't know if there will be any of 'me' left when I finally let go.
I am 14 months out and I still feel this way. IC and I had a long session about exactly this today and it will definitely be continued next week.
I went awol after finding out and buried myself into a new job and they did not appreciate that and all basically attacked me via text after I said I could not afford to go to a friends 21st. Out of 4 of my best friends, 1 completely cut all ties with me, 1 I have no clue where she stands and the other two don't want to talk about my problems with me.
[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 12:16 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
I too was sexually abused when I was in my teens so I know all about the feelings of unworthiness, shame, guilt, self hate, self doubt and honestly just feeling less than ? or feeling like a piece of trash? And after 12 years with my Ex , for a while I felt like she threw me out like she was throwing out the garbage , and I felt like she replaced me with someone new, ( she began an EA with someone we both used to know) He knew we were in rough shape, she knew how much I struggled and how many issues I had and he swooped in and played the knight in shining armor, anyways feeling like I was thrown out like a piece of trash brought up a whole lot of shit from being sexually abused for me, so I from the bottom of my heart want you to know something , You are perfect the way you are... what your Bf did to you had NOTHING to do with how you look, or how you dress, I am sure you are a wonderful person and I really don't want you to feel shame or guilt , and what he did was his choice , you guys are young , and young people sometimes mistake love and lust , I am sure you love him and him you, he may have just felt lust for this OW. sorry to ramble but my already broken heart , broke into a few more pieces when I read your post