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How do I let go?

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Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 08:15 AM

Ho do I let go of the anger?

it has been 6 months since D-Day and I just don't know what to do to move on and become me again, not this anger, vengeful, hateful person?

I don't know if there will be any of 'me' left when I finally let go.

lostworld posted 7/15/2013 08:55 AM

Hi Ellephantastic,
I'm going to throw the dreaded word at you...time. Six months seems like an eternity in hell when you're going through this mess, but it is really early days yet. So much depends on time and what's happening during that time.

Are you trying to R? Is your WS helping or standing in the way? Has NC been firmly established? Do you have all the details you want/need, and is your WS open, honest, supportive, accountable, remorseful, and kind? Do you have all the passwords to everything? Have phone numbers and email addresses been changed--willingly and proactively? Are you in MC or IC, and do you have support from anyone around you? Have you gotten a chance to scour the learning library on this site to get reading ideas and much needed support? Are you being kind to yourself, or are you judging yourself and your every action or inaction? Are you able to sleep and eat?

I would imagine when you read these questions, it feels overwhelming, but they don't all have to be answered this minute. They are just the early starting points along a very long and painful journey. The good news is that this is in fact a journey, meaning that it has an end. I promise. This is all going to get better. You will get better. The pain, anger, sorrow, grief have to be gone through before you can come to the other side, but you can do it.

A good therapist can work wonders if it's an option for you. Sleep and a decent diet help, as does exercise of any type and finding just one activity that eases your mind a bit. Telling your WS, if you know, how you think they can best respond to your anger, pain, etc. is also helpful. The anger is natural, but I know it can eat you alive; especially if it is very foreign to your nature. One thing I learned about the dynamic in my own marriage was that my anger occasionally got out of control. When that happened, I felt shame, horror, and regret. That allowed my FWH to stop dealing with his own crap to "help" me. His help made me feel even guiltier, and it enabled me to view myself as weaker and more pathetic than I really was, and to view my FWS as my rescuer--better than he really was. Needless to say, that was an awful cycle. Once I realized how it was skewing my vision and my perspective, I was better able to manage my anger and my reactions to it. By understanding the anger-guilt-inferior-resentment progression, I became empowered and much of my anger subsided. All that said, it was still very necessary to not judge of run from my anger; it was real and had to be felt and dealt with, but in a manner that was helpful to me rather than destructive. This took a long time.

Your're still you, E, even under all that anger and emotion. And someday you're actually going to feel like you again. Hugs.

cliffside posted 7/15/2013 09:08 AM

I'm also six months out and have the exact same feeling. My FWH is in IC, so am I, and we're in MC too. He's 100% transparent, remorseful and doing everything he is supposed to do. My IC told me this recently. "You're both doing everything you're supposed to do, but in the end, this still happened to you and I would be alarmed if you weren't angry, sad, etc."
She also said that the stages of grief are not concurrent stages. In reality you'll bounce back and forth from angry to sad to denial like a ping pong ball. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will help us through this.
I don't know if it helps to know, but in my last session I told her I felt like a pod. Like I'm not ME anymore, and that's because I'm actually NOT me. I will never be the old me ever again. And for me, that's part of my grieving process. But, the new me is also much stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I hope that makes sense and helps...

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 09:15 AM

Are you trying to R? #yes we are
Is your WS helping or standing in the way? Neither really
Has NC been firmly established? 100% I forced him to send her an email the day after I found out, told him what to say etc and made sure that there was no question in either of their minds that contact might be allowed - WBF has assured me that he does not want contact
Do you have all the details you want/need, and is your WS open, honest, supportive, accountable, remorseful, and kind? Yes I have more details than I can deal with, I wanted to know ever tiny detail and that is possibly what is making it even harder - I know too much.
Do you have all the passwords to everything? No passwords at all
Have phone numbers and email addresses been changed--willingly and proactively? He changed his number, yes.
Are you in MC or IC, and do you have support from anyone around you? not really, we have our families and friends but they are not very supportive
Have you gotten a chance to scour the learning library on this site to get reading ideas and much needed support? Not yet
Are you being kind to yourself, or are you judging yourself and your every action or inaction? I sometimes feel that if I was prettier that it wouldn't of happened. I have become very anti looking anything like her, I cut my long hair and now regret doing it. Also very careful what clothes I buy and from where. I just don't want him to look at me and see her.
Are you able to sleep and eat? Yes I can now

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 09:18 AM

It feels like he does not realise that he has forever altered me and that I will never get the old 'me' back.

I don't know who to be now or who I am.

I went through sexual abuse as a child and never felt like a victim but now I don't know any other way to describe myself.

confused615 posted 7/15/2013 09:26 AM

Your WBF won't give you passwords?

That is a HUGE problem.

He must give you full access to all of his accounts,email,and cell..and those passwords.

You can not R without transparency.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 09:27 AM

that is what I have been telling him confused but he refuses.

I even gave him my passwords but still nothing

every time I bring it up it ends up in a fight and hes basically told me that if the fighting continues he doesn't want to try anymore.

[This message edited by Ellephantastic at 9:33 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

confused615 posted 7/15/2013 09:38 AM

He broke your you full access and total transparency is a great way to rebuild shows you he is willing to be an open book..and every time you check,and find nothing,a few trust points are restored.

Honey,if he is refusing this..after he cheated on need to 180 him. Work on building up your self esteem.

If he refuses transparency...why are you considering R-ing with him? As long as he refuses this one thing,you won't be able to trust him. You need to tell him he can either be transparent or leave. Really. Because you will never get through this if the WS refuses transparency. His refusing this also tells me he isn't remorseful. Regretful..maybe..but this is not remorse. Remorse is all about you and giving you what you need to heal..openness..honesty..etc. His refusing to do this is a sign he is still in the affair.

That you forced him to send a NC another red flag. He should have done this willingly..right away.

Usually when a WS refuses transparency,it's because they're still lying and hiding things...and alot of time they are still in the affair.

You need to put a keylogger on the computer(not his work computer). Don't tell him. You need to take steps tp protect yourself.

Also..put a VAR in his car. Have you looked for another secret cell phone?

ETA: He is threatening you? That he will leave if you don't stop asking for what you NEED from him? That is so cruel and manipulative. If you asking for what you need is going to push him away...then it's best he leaves now...before he does anymore damage to you.

Im so sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:41 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

cliffside posted 7/15/2013 09:41 AM

Ok, time to put your bitch boots on! You don't feel like you because you have been traumatized! I was a victim of sexual assault as well and I also think this A is more painful to get through. Why? Because the person who vowed to love and protect me inflicted the worst possible pain on me and risked my health.

I have no advice on not feeling like you, but again, I feel the exact same way so you are not alone....

But back to the bitch boots. You need to come up with a list of requirements for you to remain in this relationship and one of them must be 100% transparency. If he won't give you that, it's over. He doesn't sound remorseful and that is a requirement of Reconciliation. You absolutely can not reconcile with someone who has no remorse.

lostworld posted 7/15/2013 09:53 AM

I'm glad that you're able to sleep and eat now. I know those sound so basic, but they really are often a tough hurdle.

From the outside looking in, it seems like there are several things that could improve your R process. It sounds like you are pulling the vast majority, in not all of the weight in R. You "forced" NC, and while it's been maintained, it certainly would have felt better if he had been the one to do so (don't worry about that though, as many of us have been in the exact same spot. I mention it because it may be a source of continued anger for you if it remains a sore spot).

Similarly, he seems to be taking a neutral or inactive stance on other areas of R. Trust me on this, there is no room for an inactive or neutral WBF--R is a full on contact sport with complete participation and dedication. IMHO, if he's not actively helping with R, he's hurting it. You can't heal the relationship without his committed and consistent support and involvement.

Transparency also appears to be missing. Most of us need to learn to trust again; to do so, we need to feel safe. Some of that sense of safety comes from knowing we have access to all areas of our Wayward's lives, such as passwords to internet sites, phones, and everything else. A WBF who doesn't want to provide that information is likely waving a red flag. I have to admit that I overlooked/denied some red flags and paid dearly for it later.

It just occurred to me that I don't know much about your preA relationship. I'm assuming it is long term, but are you living together and have pooled resources etc.? I'm just wondering; it doesn't matter in terms of the emotions following betrayal.

I'm sure you've been told, or at least hope you have been, that his A had nothing to do with you. It had nothing to do with your clothes, weight, hair, eye color, personality, intelligence...It was all about him (it wasn't even about the AP, either.) You are absolutely fine the way you are. Being human and creatures of growth, there are always things we can change about ourselves to make our lives better. But infidelity can skew our healthy motivation to improve ourselves, and make us change just to please our WS/WSO. It sounds like you did a little of that and now regret it. Don't waste time or energy beating yourself up over it. It's completely understandable. Just keep working on hearing that inner voice telling you that you're ok, and that his cheating is a reflection of him, not of you.

I'm hoping that you can get to an IC to help you through this mess. You've been traumatized and need and deserve some support. You don't have a great deal of that from your WBF or others in real life, so a counselor would probably be incredibly helpful. In the meantime, the library on this site has some invaluable information. The link is in the top left corner of the screen.

E, I'm only speaking from my own experience, but I can't imagine your anger subsiding and healing occurring if things continue as they are. IMHO, your WBF really needs to up his game. He needs to become proactive in helping you and in learning about himself. R is really hard, and it takes both of you to get there. Hang in there.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 10:07 AM

we have been together 4 years and 4 months. We did live together and pool finances but that ended before the A. I have did a post in the 'just found out' forum explaining everything.

I really don't think I have the strength or even the want to leave him. I know I deserve these things but, I, I will never get them

lostworld posted 7/15/2013 10:30 AM

You sound so tired. Maybe today or even this week or this month have beaten you up, and you need a break. That's fair.

I'm glad that you know you deserve better; I completely agree. Keep that in the front of your mind because it will serve as the fuel to push you on to getting better. Focus the work on yourself, and the rest will follow.

TheTooGoodWife posted 7/15/2013 10:31 AM

How do I let go of the anger? It has been 6 months since D-Day and I just don't know what to do to move on and become me again, not this angry, vengeful, hateful person?

I don't know if there will be any of 'me' left when I finally let go.

I am 14 months out and I still feel this way. IC and I had a long session about exactly this today and it will definitely be continued next week.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 10:59 AM

I am wanting to start therapy but right now, it is too expensive for me and the NHS waiting times are so long!

TheTooGoodWife posted 7/15/2013 11:20 AM

Ellephantastic I was on the NHS waiting list for 4 months and then I had 6 sessions and was referred to a psychotherapist with another 2 months wait. I went to Relate in between all this as I was desperate for IC and WH went along the same path. He is now waiting for a psychotherapist referral. The waiting times suck but thank goodness we do have access to free therapy and cheap counselling. Friends and family are good for a shoulder to cry on but we need an objective and trained counsellor.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 11:26 AM

My family get too involved, and friends...well they aren't any support.

I went awol after finding out and buried myself into a new job and they did not appreciate that and all basically attacked me via text after I said I could not afford to go to a friends 21st. Out of 4 of my best friends, 1 completely cut all ties with me, 1 I have no clue where she stands and the other two don't want to talk about my problems with me.

TheTooGoodWife posted 7/15/2013 11:34 AM

Family and friends feel as if they too have been betrayed so they cannot remain objective and I know from personal experience that they just get to a point where they are tired of your rollercoaster and flip floppping emotions and no longer want to talk about it. I am very grateful for IC as I can vent about the same thing over and over until we find a solution or I accept and move past it.

Ellephantastic posted 7/15/2013 11:36 AM

I think IC is definitely a road I need to research more. I am so glad I found this place as it will definitely help to speak to people that have went through the same experiences

TheTooGoodWife posted 7/15/2013 11:43 AM

IC and SI were / are definitely my saving graces since I found out. I went through sexual abuse as a child as well, age 5-16, and that is why I was referred to a psychotherapist. She made me realise that some of the anger I have directed at WH is latent anger from the abuse. I have never felt like a victim though, even now.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 12:16 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 11:56 AM

"I went through sexual abuse as a child and never felt like a victim but now I don't know any other way to describe myself."

I too was sexually abused when I was in my teens so I know all about the feelings of unworthiness, shame, guilt, self hate, self doubt and honestly just feeling less than ? or feeling like a piece of trash? And after 12 years with my Ex , for a while I felt like she threw me out like she was throwing out the garbage , and I felt like she replaced me with someone new, ( she began an EA with someone we both used to know) He knew we were in rough shape, she knew how much I struggled and how many issues I had and he swooped in and played the knight in shining armor, anyways feeling like I was thrown out like a piece of trash brought up a whole lot of shit from being sexually abused for me, so I from the bottom of my heart want you to know something , You are perfect the way you are... what your Bf did to you had NOTHING to do with how you look, or how you dress, I am sure you are a wonderful person and I really don't want you to feel shame or guilt , and what he did was his choice , you guys are young , and young people sometimes mistake love and lust , I am sure you love him and him you, he may have just felt lust for this OW. sorry to ramble but my already broken heart , broke into a few more pieces when I read your post

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