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jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 08:46 AM

Maybe this is just a little rant, but if anyone can give me some insight into what is going on with me I would be very thankful.

Does anyone else feel like this? Other than the A that happened 2 years ago my WW is great. Shes a great wife and a my best friend, we have a healthy sex life and we have a good time together. I've never been bothered by the sex she had, I was bothered by the lies and the fact that she didn't trust me enough to talk to me. She made a huge mistake that could have cost our M our health and tons of other bad could have come from it. But, I love her and want to move on. But, I can't. I have almost a compulsion to relive the past. I go on Facebook and see what was going on when the A was happening. I talk about it and want to hear about it all the time. I've talked about it during sex. I've talked about it when we're having a great day. It doesn't matter when it is, its almost like I don't want to let go of the pain. BUT I WANT TO LET GO OF THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of hating on her for what she did. I'm tired of making her cry. I've said things to my wife that I should have never said, just to hurt her and I don't want to be that person. But I don't know how to take my mind off of the lies she told. They were lies, I've heard worse lies from other people. I've told worse lies to other people. So why can't I just move on. Its in the past and its not happening anymore; as far as I know and I'm confident I know. Maybe it will happen again. Maybe we'll be married for 50 more years and nothing even close will ever happen again. I don't know and I can't control it. So how to I just stop worrying about what has happened and can't unhappen.

WhatsRight posted 7/15/2013 09:06 AM

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

If you're not a person of faith, you could leave the "GOD" part out of it.

I don't really know what to say to help you. I am GREEN with envy - the non-mean kind - that your marriage is going so well in so many areas. I hear you saying that your wife is a great wife, that your sex life it great, that you want to let the pain go, but you just haven't been able to do so.

Let me say that I would give ANYTHING to have what you have. My husband is not truly remorseful. We have not even touched each other in YEARS! I understand completely that this doesn't make you feel any better about your situation.

You are right to say that 'what has happened cannot unhappen'. You have chosen to stay in the marriage. Gently, be sure you live up to your part of it. Holding this over her head when everything else in the marriage is positive and ready to move forward, is not very loving. (I completely understand that what SHE did was totally unloving.) I am assuming that she has been totally remorseful.

You have used the word 'bothered'. You were not 'bothered' by the sex she had. Have you forgiven her? (I happen to be one of those people who believe that is totally important.) Can you forgive her???

If you can, then I would suggest that you do so. And then - maybe with some counseling help - move on with your marriage. Take the gift that you have been given - her remorse - and make a GREAT marriage out of this mess.

If, on the other hand, she is not remorseful, that may be what is 'nagging' at you.

You seem to be blessed with a positive relationship at this point. Work on it together.

All my wishes for your success!

Ostrich80 posted 7/15/2013 09:17 AM

Whatsright ^^^^ I'm a little green myself and in a similar sich.
@js..could it be that when you start to let go, maybe inside you don't want her to forget what she did because you can't. My ws, I thought was resourceful for about a month but I remember thinking I didnt want it forgotten and in the past....well I kind of did, but then something in my head would say, " its not fair that I agonized for months and he's just thinking its over and we can just move on". Just a thought.

jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 10:08 AM

WhatsRight,

I've used the serenity prayer many nights and I thought it didn't help. But if you believe in GOD I have to believe that he does whats right for me. Maybe I had to learn a lesson. Its a pretty rough lesson, but who knows. I have faith in GOD and I have faith that my wife has learned a hard lesson and will do the very best she can for US and so will I. I hope that you find what you need. Except for in an abusive situation I would never encourage someone to divorce. I think other than the inconvenience, its way to easy to give up. Here is the BUT. But if he's not showing remorse and its been years maybe you should take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if your life is better with him or without him. My wife has been very remorseful but there has been TT over the last 2 years. Not a lot of TT, just it took 2 years. For me I still feel shes remorseful, others might not, but I know how she works and I know shes a rug-sweeper and she would rather bury her head in the sand and hope everything just goes away. I understand why she didn't want to tell the truth. She was never malicious about it, no one wants to feel worse about themselves and I made her feel pretty bad. Everyone has their own definition of remorse.

I hope you can be happy with you someday.

Ostrich80,

That is very similar to how I feel. This is a very exaggerated analogy but, its like living with the person who murdered your best friend and they just said "Oops, my bad!" and its suppose to be forgiven. But I'm starting to feel like, she's been suffering with ME for the last 2 years of me making her life hell. Sure she caused this, but her road hasn't been easy either. Its hard and maybe today is just the peak of another roller coaster ride. But I hope its not. I'm tired and just want to go on with my life. I guess it comes down to is my life better with her or without her. I think for 12 years she made me a better person so I'm better with her. Sure, when the road got a little rocky and she was tested she failed miserably. But know one is perfect and now I know its possible. Before I would have bet anyone anything, including my life that she would have never done this. If you told people we know they probably wouldn't believe you. But now I know its possible.

n0tm3 posted 7/15/2013 10:21 AM

I am in a similar situation and can understand. I am not as far out as you are though. I think for me is that the one thing that I could count on no matter what happens in life is gone. I can't get it back. I can't pretend and it is hard seeing my husband through my new glasses. They are not even close to rosey. He fell of that pedestal I had him on where he could do no wrong. He could irritate me sometimes and we did argue but it was typical marriage stuff. Other things that he has done to hurt me I have let go and forgiven. I can't even remember half of the stuff that I was so upset over. This is different. It will not leave my thoughts. It is with night and day. I know that he is remorseful and ashamed of what he did. BUT he does not live with this night and day. Sometimes I think that I am the only reminder of his great shame which hurts a lot.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/15/2013 10:34 AM

Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I truly believe that the pain is the only motivator for positive action.

Somehow I fear that if I don't remind her of my pain that everything will slip back to the way it was.

I stated putting it together when I was away for work trips for a few days and the A's didn't cross my mind much except when I would talk to fWS. I would actually be a pretty upbeat mood.

On my way home the last hour of my drive I would start spiraling down. By the time I got home I was miserable.

I know consciously that I cannot effect her recovery but my subconscious still wants to try to control it anyway it can.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:38 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 10:38 AM

n0tm3,

" I know that he is remorseful and ashamed of what he did. BUT he does not live with this night and day. Sometimes I think that I am the only reminder of his great shame which hurts a lot."

This is going to sound stupid because I'm going to say something even though I'm having a hard time following it.

If your WS is anything like my WS then he does live with it night and day. My WS knows what she did and what she almost gave up. She is in pain of her own everyday right there with me and on top of that, I'm making her life hell.

Now if I could just listen to what I say and stop reliving the past I would be much better. My problem is its almost like OCD. I feel a need to ask "well what about this date, what can you tell me" even though I've heard it a hundred times. Or I know something happened on Aug 4th, 2011 so I go on Facebook and see that I had commented that I was flying back from a business trip and couldn't wait to see my wife. I know the post isn't going to change. It says the same thing as it did yesterday and it was 2 years ago. But I still check it. I'm trying to not let those things in anymore. They are always going to be there, but I need to not let it out of my mouth. I need to listen to my Grandma "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" I guess that and I need to treat people the way I want to be treated. I wouldn't want my wife to talk down to me all the time or remind me everyday of the stupid choices I made in life. She deserves better and the sooner I can live like the the sooner I can be happy.

jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 10:43 AM

Chico,

I've had to remind myself that I can't control anything but myself. If she's going to cheat again there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, I can do about it. All I can do is be the best person I can be and hope that rubs off on other people. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If she learned from her mistake, which I believe she has, then I need to learn to move on.

5454real posted 7/15/2013 11:06 AM

hey brother sorry you're here. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, but for different reasons.

my Fww can't remember details of affair to save a life. it's
agonizing not to know the details. apparently your Fww can and for whatever reason is choosing not to share.

are you familiar with Joseph's letter? I believe it is number 11 in the betrayed spouses FAQ's. your situation sounds like it fits that to a T.

strength

jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 11:12 AM

Thank you for the recomendation 5454real I'll check into that.

My WS has been willing to share. Its just that I've had to pull it out of her. I want her to come forward with something so I could use that as a sign she's trying. She is trying, its just in her way and I want things my way right now. We're working on it. I'm not sure if there are any other lies or details she could tell me so maybe I'm just running in circles for no reason. Only time will tell.

sisoon posted 7/15/2013 12:29 PM

I'm sorry you're still hurting. I can't help you process your pain, but I have some questions that may help you progress.

Have you been in IC? If so, what changed in you? What have you done to heal? (The serenity prayer is pretty effective if you process grief, anger, and fear, but it helps a lot less if you stuff those feelings.)
Has your W been in IC? If so, what changed in her?
Have you been in MC?
Since D-Day, what's changed in your relationship?
What has your W done to change the thoughts and feelings that allowed her to cheat? (If she hasn't changed, she's still a loose cannon.)

Bottom line, my bet is that the feelings you've described are due to insufficient change since D-Day. If that turns out to be the case, don't beat yourself or your W up - just dust yourselves off and start doing the work to effect the changes you want to make.

Also, what have you done about your thinking that you can't live without your W? At least some of your feelings could be due to the belief you have no choice, but she obviously does.

jsmith032077 posted 7/15/2013 13:57 PM

I'm not sure how to respond to that one sisoon. I started to write a big response but what it comes down to is I see a change in her even though I've done everything I could to tell her its not been enough. The only hiccup has been the TT over the last 2 years. Like I said, it wasn't a lot that happened so there wasn't a lot of TT. It just took 2 years to come out. That's really my only complaint since Aug 2011. There has been some IC and MC.

I don't think my situation is so much "Can't live without her" as much as "I don't want to" I really can't think of 1 thing I would change about our 12 year relationship besides the A that happened. She's starting back up her IC, we moved twice in 1 year so its been on hold, and if I can get a why out of that I would be happy. If I don't, I'm starting not to worry about it so much and just want to be happy as much as I can as long as I can. The average life expectancy of an American is only 79 and I'm just about half way there. I can't invest any more time in hating her for what she did or worrying myself sick, literally, about every other bit of the A.

I shared with her that I've been on here posting for a couple weeks. She started her own account but hasn't done anything yet. I hope she gets some clarity in her life for the what and why and can share that with me. I hope SI helps her. I know so many people who have worse things than this happening to them so I have to go on and be happy. I've wasted 2 years hating the woman I'm married to. I don't want to waste any more time. I know there are going to be many more days in my life where I'm at the bottom of the roller-coaster hill, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive.

jsmith032077 posted 7/16/2013 12:20 PM

5454real,
If you see this, thank you for recommending Joseph's letter. My WS found the letter today and sent me a very nice letter. Hopefully it makes a difference.

5454real posted 7/16/2013 21:56 PM

You are very welcome. I hope it helps too.

It is said around here that TT is the real killer if the affair wasn't an instant deal breaker. Doesn't really matter whether it is intentional or not. We are trying to fit our FWW's into a picture with missing pieces and those pieces are always the most critical.

Strength

Really, really hope that your fww truly understands. It will go miles toward R. I'm glad she sent the letter. Now for the actions!

ETA sorry for the misdirect on it's location

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:31 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]