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That Feeling

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Aubrie posted 7/15/2013 09:21 AM

That feeling when you wake up, knowing the look in your husband's eyes, and knowing you put it there.

That feeling when you ask, "Are you ok?" and he replies, "Yeah. I'm fine." and you both know he's not.

That feeling when you walk out the door and he says, "You're so beautiful." and you still see the pain in his eyes.

That feeling when he starts talking, completely unfiltered and when interrupted, he smiles and says, "No, it's ok. We'll talk later." and you know that "later" may never happen if his mood shifts.

That feeling when he reads your writings and he says, "Wow. That nailed exactly how I felt. What I just read brought it all back. You have captured it exactly."

That feeling when you are laying side by side, and he starts talking. Again. He's opening up.

That feeling of knowing how hard it is for him to expose his soul to anyone. And he chose you. Even after all this.

That feeling when he shares secrets with you, and you had no idea he still struggled as badly as he does.

That feeling when he tells you, "I cry on the way to work." You didn't know he still cries. And worse, knowing when it happens, you can't comfort him.

That feeling when he wraps his arms around you so tightly, burrows his face in your shoulder, and whispers, "Please don't ever leave me. I can't do this without you."

That feeling when he asks, "Can I hold you while I sleep?" His beard scrapes your skin, his breathing evens and deepens, his grip stays locked.

That feeling of knowing that what you have now is something special, but your soul is tortured knowing what you've gone thru to be where you are today.

That feeling - shame, love, regret, joy, fear, hope, sadness, admiration, horror, humility...

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/15/2013 09:32 AM

Once again, you've nailed it!

Thanks for posting this.

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight

[This message edited by broevil at 9:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

EmotionalFool posted 7/15/2013 09:33 AM

Today I am haunted with the time when he told me "It hurts so much.. so much.. I have real chest pains." I have been crying all day in office and your post made me cry all the more

JustDesserts posted 7/15/2013 09:35 AM

Nice post. Sort of happy, sad, hopeful, regretful, yesterday, today, tomorrow. Feeling... something... anything and acknowledging it is a good thing. When we're feeling...we're BEING. Being human. Trying, struggling, searching. And just perhaps learning from our past in order to help us craft a more authentic and meaningful today, and tomorrow.

Unagie posted 7/15/2013 10:18 AM

Aubrie you made me cry, posts here rarely do that, I have too much to cry about surrounding me as it is but this post is beautiful and haunting at the same time. Thank you for putting into words what many of us go through.

heartbroken2012 posted 7/15/2013 12:43 PM

I wish my WH felt this.

KBeguile posted 7/15/2013 12:59 PM

You're so right, Aubrie. In many ways, though, I'm thankful Heart keeps her beard in a little more order than QS.

But that feeling - the one we put in those eyes that reflects back out and haunts us - is very real.

I just got off the phone with Heart while I walked damn near 2 miles. She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.

Aubrie posted 7/15/2013 20:27 PM

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight
I feel the exact same way about everyone here. The advice, 2x4s, and support here have been imperative.

She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.
I call it an emotional hangover. And boy are they a Mutha. In the midst of trauma, downhill swoops in the rollercoaster, or super bad triggery times, we're all keyed up and trying to work thru it. Supporting, listening, crying, raging, whatever. Those times absolutely drain a person. WS and BS. When QS and I have intense times, it's 2 or 3 days before we can function on a normal level again.

Just part of the process.

sosorry5454rl posted 7/15/2013 20:38 PM

what a great post Aubrie.. heartwrenching but great. :-)

Joanh posted 7/15/2013 21:24 PM

Thanks, I have tears and I have felt heard many of those words and the actions of my BH scared Id leave scared I'll stay , so wanting to hold me but so wanting me not to be me.
I hold knowing this is a process and maybe just maybe as it was said on another post I will become my wife not 'my cheating ****wife'

knightsbff posted 7/15/2013 23:02 PM

I've been thinking about this post all day.

All the things my BH keeps inside.

I ask him if he's OK, he says, "I'll live."

I finally asked him tonight if he ever fears I will leave him. He said, "Every single day." I never guessed that thought was going through his head... It makes me so sad that I put it there.

FR2012 posted 7/16/2013 06:54 AM

Thanks for posting this Aubrie. It really hits home.

Trying33 posted 7/16/2013 07:47 AM

Great post. Thanks.

blakesteele posted 7/16/2013 08:42 AM


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