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Wayward Side :
That Feeling

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 Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 3:21 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

That feeling when you wake up, knowing the look in your husband's eyes, and knowing you put it there.

That feeling when you ask, "Are you ok?" and he replies, "Yeah. I'm fine." and you both know he's not.

That feeling when you walk out the door and he says, "You're so beautiful." and you still see the pain in his eyes.

That feeling when he starts talking, completely unfiltered and when interrupted, he smiles and says, "No, it's ok. We'll talk later." and you know that "later" may never happen if his mood shifts.

That feeling when he reads your writings and he says, "Wow. That nailed exactly how I felt. What I just read brought it all back. You have captured it exactly."

That feeling when you are laying side by side, and he starts talking. Again. He's opening up.

That feeling of knowing how hard it is for him to expose his soul to anyone. And he chose you. Even after all this.

That feeling when he shares secrets with you, and you had no idea he still struggled as badly as he does.

That feeling when he tells you, "I cry on the way to work." You didn't know he still cries. And worse, knowing when it happens, you can't comfort him.

That feeling when he wraps his arms around you so tightly, burrows his face in your shoulder, and whispers, "Please don't ever leave me. I can't do this without you."

That feeling when he asks, "Can I hold you while I sleep?" His beard scrapes your skin, his breathing evens and deepens, his grip stays locked.

That feeling of knowing that what you have now is something special, but your soul is tortured knowing what you've gone thru to be where you are today.

That feeling - shame, love, regret, joy, fear, hope, sadness, admiration, horror, humility...

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7926   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 6408358
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SurprisinglyOkay ( member #36684) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Once again, you've nailed it!

Thanks for posting this.

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight

[This message edited by broevil at 9:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: 221B
id 6408377
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EmotionalFool ( member #37362) posted at 3:33 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

((Aubrie))

Today I am haunted with the time when he told me "It hurts so much.. so much.. I have real chest pains." I have been crying all day in office and your post made me cry all the more

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

posts: 334   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2012
id 6408379
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JustDesserts ( member #39665) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Nice post. Sort of happy, sad, hopeful, regretful, yesterday, today, tomorrow. Feeling... something... anything and acknowledging it is a good thing. When we're feeling...we're BEING. Being human. Trying, struggling, searching. And just perhaps learning from our past in order to help us craft a more authentic and meaningful today, and tomorrow.

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 51. Her: BW, 50. Married 20 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Suburbia, New England, USA
id 6408383
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Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 4:18 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

Aubrie you made me cry, posts here rarely do that, I have too much to cry about surrounding me as it is but this post is beautiful and haunting at the same time. Thank you for putting into words what many of us go through.


posts: 3615   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2012
id 6408432
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heartbroken2012 ( member #38089) posted at 6:43 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

I wish my WH felt this.

BS(Me)
WH(Him)
OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

posts: 608   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2013
id 6408623
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KBeguile ( member #38348) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2013

You're so right, Aubrie. In many ways, though, I'm thankful Heart keeps her beard in a little more order than QS.

But that feeling - the one we put in those eyes that reflects back out and haunts us - is very real.

I just got off the phone with Heart while I walked damn near 2 miles. She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

posts: 824   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2013   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6408650
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 Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 2:27 AM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

I hate that we both have to be here, but I am so grateful for you, and your insight

I feel the exact same way about everyone here. The advice, 2x4s, and support here have been imperative.

She was caught in the grip of this feeling, and I was at work and relatively powerless to do anything about it. That took more out of me than my walk did.

I call it an emotional hangover. And boy are they a Mutha. In the midst of trauma, downhill swoops in the rollercoaster, or super bad triggery times, we're all keyed up and trying to work thru it. Supporting, listening, crying, raging, whatever. Those times absolutely drain a person. WS and BS. When QS and I have intense times, it's 2 or 3 days before we can function on a normal level again.

Just part of the process.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7926   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 6409165
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sosorry5454rl ( member #37637) posted at 2:38 AM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

what a great post Aubrie.. heartwrenching but great. :-)

WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

posts: 62   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2012
id 6409170
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Joanh ( member #39146) posted at 3:24 AM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

Thanks, I have tears and I have felt heard many of those words and the actions of my BH scared Id leave scared I'll stay , so wanting to hold me but so wanting me not to be me.

I hold knowing this is a process and maybe just maybe as it was said on another post I will become my wife not 'my cheating ****wife'

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

posts: 482   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2013
id 6409214
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knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 5:02 AM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

I've been thinking about this post all day.

All the things my BH keeps inside.

I ask him if he's OK, he says, "I'll live."

I finally asked him tonight if he ever fears I will leave him. He said, "Every single day." I never guessed that thought was going through his head... It makes me so sad that I put it there.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

posts: 1840   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2012   ·   location: Deep South, USA
id 6409298
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FR2012 ( member #36345) posted at 12:54 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

Thanks for posting this Aubrie. It really hits home.

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

posts: 167   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2012
id 6409426
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Trying33 ( member #38815) posted at 1:47 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

Great post. Thanks.

posts: 362   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2013
id 6409468
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blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 2:42 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

Thanks.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6409511
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