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Breakthrough-moving to reconciliation?

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Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 09:54 AM

Finally, I think the mistress may be gone.

My husband & I have had huge arguments in the past about his first wife. it seemed like he had her on some sort of pedestal. I compared it to a "bubble"

After a series of events, we have had the worst argument to date about her. I was done. I don't hate her but I had, had enough.

I was so mad, I shouted at him "You were NEVER going to tell me she fucked a teenager!"

I had known about his ex hooking up with an underage kid. She was in her 30's, so you get the picture. I knew about this "secret" almost since the beginning of mine & my husbands first getting together. His brother & a previous girlfriend of one of his sons told me long ago.

I knew but never said anything because it wasn't my husbands wrong-it was hers. I don't talk crap about people either. I thought it was messed up in every way & I thought she committed an act of child molestation but this was 25 + years ago.

Finally, I'm like what the fuck is with you & with her? Why do you act like you are in some mind fuck dance? Nothing.

I ask "why does she come to fathers day BBQ but hates you AND me. Her intentions were NOT good." "I don't know. I'm not in love with her"

I was so fed up with this "protection" of her I finally screamed, "You were NEVER going to tell me she fucked a teenager" He responded in a way to see how much I knew. "Why would you say that?" I blew. I said don't you even try. I KNOW!

I said I have offered you these things, the things you said were important & you respond like THIS? I have nothing left to offer you & I offer you nothing from this time forward.

He slept on it & actually got up early. He said "When you will, can we talk" No. I have nothing else to say. Anything else is just going to frustrate me.

He convinced me I would want to hear what he had to say. He said he would tell me the whole story.

I said "I FULLY expected you would. I'm your WIFE! We tell each other important shit like that. I said I will come & listen but if you think for a New York second, I am going to be GREATFUL to you for telling me something you should have long ago, you had better think again."

I said bring your pen & paper.

What he said was:R hit me out of the blue with the divorce. I didn't know WHY she was divorcing me, just she wanted me out, bam! Divorce! (that was in keeping with past disclosure)

He got a phone call 3 + years later from a teenage boys uncle. He knew them both. The uncle said he had recently found out his teenaged nephew had, had a pretty lengthy "affair" with his ex wife.

My husband ask, why are you calling me? What do you want? Does he want to press charges? The uncle said No, none of those things, I thought you had the right to know. My husband talked to the then 17-18 year old kid to see if he was Ok etc.

This boy was 13 years old when a 30+ year old woman molested him.

He said he confronted R & she lied. Said it didn't happen. He said whether you admit it or not is on you but I want my kids protected.

He said he didn't know what to do but promised himself he would never be the one to tell them. As far as he knew they STILL didn't know. I was the one who told him at least 2 of the 4 know.

We were not finished with our conversation by a long shot. And we are still not finished. I do not give him a pass on this. We have had a "mistress" since the beginning & it is worse than I thought in some respects but not as bad.

We know we are going to address this issue with our kids as a family & now is the appropriate time because of R most recent behavior.

I ask my husband, do you think she is wicked or stupid? I want him to think about it & I want an answer & it will add up or not.

I know he has a lot to process. He feels a new betrayal himself. We knew & he suffered not to say. He was honest enough to admit he worried, because of my history what it would do to us, me. He said he felt like he was protecting us but now that we all knew he felt a weight lift. I won't be specific but he did not get much sympathy on this point.

This was hours long of convo & trust me when I say the pen & paper & point system was used & played an important part in clarity. I don't
believe shit.

I did have the sense to ask if there is anything else. His answer was No. Y'all are my witness.

I do feel a peace. So far, I think this does answer the biggest questions. His responses are correct now. He is in shock.

He has a lot to think about. He still has a lot to prove. He betrayed me, us & us as a family but this may be reconciliation. I will try now.

Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 11:45 AM

One of my husbands argument after telling me whole truth was do you think I want someone who did that? We did talk about Stockholm syndrome.

Duffy1958 posted 7/16/2013 12:20 PM

I have told my husband, some of the things he has said, time is going to bear out. His behavior is incorrect.

When I say that, I KNOW a lot about my husband. I'm not going to dare say I KNOW, know him. I'm pretty sure I don't. However, after 13+ years, there are some things he has done without fail for years. Now? Not even after all of the BS?

All righty then. SMH Where there is fog, there is fire. Hell no I'm no meteorologist but it sounds right doesn't it?

[This message edited by Duffy1958 at 12:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

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