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My son asked about OW

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OldCow18 posted 7/15/2013 10:33 AM

We were going shopping and we were all in the car. DS6 asked, "Daddy, when can we have that lady you work with babysit us again?"

Talk about a mood changer. WH responded, "She will not be babysitting you anymore" When DS asked why he said, "because she has a baby now of her own."

I didn't like the response. I don't want my kids liking and missing this person. I want to tell them that she turned out to not be a nice person. Is this wrong? How would you have handled this?

Quick background, this woman works with WH and they were friends for a long time before the A started. She's been to my home with her husband, we went to their wedding, I bought her a baby gift, she's babysat the kids, etc.

Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 11:07 AM

That is tough. She was a friend of the family for a long time it sounds like. No she wasn't a nice person after all, at all. I think our kids do need to be told about dangerous people. And that dangerous people can even be someone we know. What is age appropriate, you know.

I don't like the answer husband gave child either, it's not true & just like we know-kids know. If stuck for an answer, he could have said, it's complicated. Let me get back to you.
Then dad finds a way to tell the truth without being
specific.

That's a big deal in my book. Am I anal?

confused615 posted 7/15/2013 11:13 AM

I take it she does NOt have a baby of her own now?

While of course your DS is too young to hear the truth...it really bothers me that your WH answered his question with a lie.

It makes me wonder how many of your difficult questions he is answering with lies.

OldCow18 posted 7/15/2013 12:10 PM

He wasn't lying, she does have a baby. Lovely that a new mother would have an affair with my husband, but I digress. And no, it's not his, he had a vasectomy.

I like the idea of having an age appropriate discussion about dangerous people. Need to figure out the right way to say it.

Losttransport posted 7/15/2013 13:29 PM

My DD who was 13 and was friends with OW daughter (not close, they didn't go to same school they just texted to each other and visited sometimes) and when she asked about seeing OW and daughter, I told her and my other kids that we would not be seeing or contacting anybody from that family because (OW) was mean to mommy and that was that.

All my kiddos jumped on my bandwagon (I sure love those loyal kids!) and when other child texted mine, she told her, "we aren't friends anymore because your mom was mean to mine." Yeah, she rocks

Duffy1958 posted 7/16/2013 19:51 PM

It's hard enough dealing with the fallout of infidelity & trying to heal, re-connect etc. no outside distractions needed.

wtf2 posted 7/17/2013 00:48 AM

I'm going to go against the majority here and say I think your H response was perfect. There is no way to "half tell" this story. What are you going to say, that she's mean? What if he asks you what did she do that was mean? We have to warn our kids abou dangerous people, the kind that kidnap in parks, but if she's dangerous, what does it say about your H?

I think, if possible and if R is in the picture, leave kids completely out of it. Older teenagers maybe something else, but certainly young children. Especially since their father was part of the crime, what does it say about them? There's just no way to just blame OW, and once you announce she suddenly turned mean, you might get some questions you're not willing to answer.

Having your kids hate/be afraid of her doesn't serve you. You and your H can hate her just fine without them.

wtf2 posted 7/17/2013 00:48 AM

I'm going to go against the majority here and say I think your H response was perfect. There is no way to "half tell" this story. What are you going to say, that she's mean? What if he asks you what did she do that was mean? We have to warn our kids abou dangerous people, the kind that kidnap in parks, but if she's dangerous, what does it say about your H?

I think, if possible and if R is in the picture, leave kids completely out of it. Older teenagers maybe something else, but certainly young children. Especially since their father was part of the crime, what does it say about them? There's just no way to just blame OW, and once you announce she suddenly turned mean, you might get some questions you're not willing to answer.

Having your kids hate/be afraid of her doesn't serve you. You and your H can hate her just fine without them.

ChesterChump posted 7/17/2013 01:06 AM

I've been thinking about this for months now. My kids, especially my youngest (5) ask about the OM all the time. Considering they spent time with him and their SAH mother nearly every day while I was at work it's not that surprising; he was a big part of their life. Of course his kids and mine grew to be good friends.

Usually it's something like they say they want to do something nice for him (make him a drawing, a mix cd, etc.) and I'm able to just say "That's a very kind thought but we aren't going to do that." and that's OK with them. I fully expect that one day one of them is going to ask why we never see OM and his kids anymore and I'm sure as hell not going to lie about it to them. My WW hasn't been willing to put any thought into what to say other than accusing me trying to demonize her to the kids when I've run a few possible truthful but evasive answers by her. She essentially doesn't care what is said as long as she comes out looking clean.

But honestly, I can't even come up with a good lie for this. Things like "OM died in a fire." or "OM has cancer of the soul and can't leave his house." will just lead to more questions and making me a liar if we run into him around town.

Getting to Happy posted 7/17/2013 01:19 AM

"OM died in a fire." or "OM has cancer of the soul and can't leave his house."

"Cancer of the soul" Indeed. If only it was this easy...

The thought of trying to explain to our innocent babes why this toxic person was ALL over their lives and now is not allowed in their day to day...OMG!

Bless all of our SI folks that have to cope with this dynamic.

(((((OldCow18,Duffy1958,confused615, Losttransport, wtf2, ChesterChump)))))

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