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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: How does one show remorse?
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH says it's all behind him, but when I think about people here saying spouse shows remorse I feel like my fwh shows none. Am I just intolerate, blind or really not seeing it?

He's still hiding porn that he looks at on his computer. I have software on it that he doesn't know about. He isn't using his regular email for anything inappropriate, but I have no access to his phone.

We are in therapy, and therapist said a few weeks ago that if we get in a cycle on a subject that is unresolvable then drop it and save it for a session. He took that to mean not to talk about ANYTHING in regards to affair, lying, relationship etc AT ALL outside of therapy and I had a single meeting with therapist, and she was like no in a pissy way.

So, am I still being snowed by him? At this point I feel like I'm just having to suck it up and live with this shit which I am not happy about.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know in your heart tht you don't have to just tolerate this. You can take control of it. You get to make the rules as you go.

True remorse is different than rugsweeping. Which is what he is wanting to do. Real remorse is dealing with the mess he made and doing every thing he possibly can to fix it and repair your relationship. If he isn't doing that and he isn't getting it you can lay down some consequences.
The limbo land that you describe you're in can be a soul sucking void. Try to figure out what you need from him. Tell him and stick to the consequences. That will be the only way he will even begin to get it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8893 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel lost in the sense of "what I want him to do to fix it" if that makes any sense. I don't even feel like he really said sorry other than sorry when he got caught. He ignores it all, and what's really annoying me right now is that he's dead set on moving back to his hometown outside of NYC to be by his family. It's "his dream". There's never been a consideration of what I may want or what I have sacrificed for his career.

His mother is a miserable person and hates everyone and everything outside of the family or if it wasn't her idea. So, I'm feeling like I'm about to be trapped if he does get the job.

When I mentioned it in therapy last week he acted outraged and shocked that I wouldn't move with him and keep the kids here for a minimyum of the first half of school.

I tried to kick him out and he wouldn't leave and showed up at therapy. That's what it took to get him to marriage counseling...me telling him to not come home and he can get a bag of his stuff out of the garage.

I am trapped and it sucks.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy312 said:

I feel lost in the sense of "what I want him to do to fix it" if that makes any sense. I don't even feel like he really said sorry other than sorry when he got caught. He ignores it all, and what's really annoying me right now is that he's dead set on moving back to his hometown outside of NYC to be by his family. It's "his dream". There's never been a consideration of what I may want or what I have sacrificed for his career.

Bingo. This is typical rugsweeping behavior - push the A and its implications out of the way and get back to doing what HE wants to do. No pain, no loss, no sorrow, no remorse.

You, unfortunately, are right-on with your evaluation of this situation, Sleepy.

The other unfortunate thing is you can't change him. As much as it pains you and as much as you may want to, you can't.

The question becomes: what are you doing for yourself?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story is similar to mine. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, has your WH been screened for SA? My DD was 4 months ago, WH did not come clean for another 2 weeks (continued to deny it even in MC) til I found further evidence. I'm not even sure I have the whole story now...but I'm pretty confident I will at some point because he is now seeing a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist).

My guess is you are still being snowed by him at this point. I know I felt snowed by my H. Who wouldn't after discovering a betrayal on that level?

I am finally sticking up for myself. I am no longer making excuses for his treatment of me.

Read up on Sex Addiction. From your description of his mother it sounds like he has some childhood issues, which are the hallmark of SA. It may explain A LOT of stuff about your relationship history. I know it did for me. It's a growing issue with the availability of Internet porn and accessibility smart phones have brought. Learning about it really helped me feel better about everything. I realized that WH's A wasn't so much about HER but the whole fantasy of her, plus the porn. She was just easy access for him (apt across the street from his work...how convenient!), part of his ritual. I honestly think he thought he would NEVER get caught.

Make sure you know your legal situation. Copy all info (financial, etc.) while you can. Get a consult with a good lawyer.

Finally, WTF is with these men???????????? Don't they know what cliches they are?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally, WTF is with these men???????????? Don't they know what cliches they are?

He is a total cliche, and he's the one that used to talk so bad about all those men at work screwing around. He turned into one of them. PATHETIC.

I'm trying to take in what all has been said above. I'm having an anxiety attack and can't take a deep breath and I'm at the pool with kids, so I will ask more later from the responses. I appreciate the help.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

check your Private Messages I am sending you one.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bear with me, I have several questions.

True remorse is different than rugsweeping. Which is what he is wanting to do. Real remorse is dealing with the mess he made and doing every thing he possibly can to fix it and repair your relationship. If he isn't doing that and he isn't getting it you can lay down some consequences.

It feels like any and all actions or words(which there are very few of outside of mc) are all rugsweeping. I feel powerless because I have no job or money of my own, and I am trapped with elderly parents I can no longer rely on because my mother has alzheimer's(and she used to handle finances) and my father handles it all now. My father is a hoarder in many senses, and he even tries to micromanage finances that are in my name also my kids' 529s since tsome of that is with the same financial advisor. I feel truly trapped.

I am in the beginning stages of starting up my work/business again, but there's only so much money I can make and be full time caretaker of kids and home.

So, my question is what demands and consequences can I actually make? I've never demanded to see his phone because I feel he would turn around and want the same from me, and I don't want him knowing about this place or the account where I am slowly stashing $ for an emergency.

Second, the sexual issues are really bothering me. I feel like so much of my day is sucked away(not to mention energy) by thinking about this crap that I never accomplish what I want to accomplish in a day.

I don't even know where to start with learning about the SA and I'm not sure how much I really want to know, and if I even mentioned it to him I think he would go nuts and completely start gaslighting me again. So, again I feel stuck.

It seems as if my issues aren't valid even though the therapist does validate them but maybe not strong enough that it makes an impact on my H. ugh. thanks for listening.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexhelp.com is a helpful website re SA. Just start to read about it - you may see some descriptions of SA behaviors that are familiar to you. Secretive behavior, porn, acting crazy/irrational when they can't engage in their behavior. Behavior is ritualized.

Even if you google "signs so sex addiction" you will get a ton of informative websites. Read a little and learn a lot. This is what I did- it's very empowering.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@womaninflux, thanks. I will check those out, and I will pm you later. at pool again and trying to ward off another anxiety attack like yesterday. I caved and took meds instead of trying to fight it today.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is also good

http://www.posarc.com/

Also look at the I can relate section on this site under the sex addict thread. Lots of resources.

Hang in there.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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