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help from women please? sorry its a little long

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soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 10:55 AM

So I would love a women's opinion here. My ex fiancé and I started drifting apart the last few years, on all levels, our sex life was very rare and emotionally we were so far apart. I wasn't there for her emotionally the last few years, and she did begin an EA with someone we used to know, and she and him are now together , I think, they live over 3 hours apart and I thought he might have moved in with her already but that hasn't happened yet. Anyways I had graves disease last year and had my thyroid removed, and the last year or so I did have some troubles with ED but after getting my thyroid medicine adjusted I am fine now , anyways of course I worry and think that it was the main cause of her talking to someone new and starting an EA. some more backstory , I am bipolar, have PSTD, and anxiety disorder. I was abused as a teen so I have trust issues. I dealt. I had a bad drug habit for many of the years I was with her and out of the nearly 12 years I worked maybe 2 years? Yes I am a real catch lol But she stayed and loved me and supported me and towards the end I got clean. And I am not making excuses for her at all, She could have just told me she didn't love me ( if she didn't I am still not sure) not to mention the last 6 months I was ignoring her and not spending time with her, she felt used and she was unable to love me anymore and not feel my love for her. I guess my main question is I worry about her not being sexually attracted to me, because of my physical appearance ( but I think back to the first 7-8 years and we had a VERY healthy sex life and she and I were very attracted to one another, but I guess I worry about a lot of things, but mainly I just didn't want to feel that this OM just took her away from me, and worry that she loves him more than she ever loved me. ( she told me she wasn't sure if she loved him) Sorry for the long post , I am not really sure about my question , I guess after all the many issues I had and ignoring her, I pushed her away ? I can handle that , I can handle that I pushed her so far because of my actions or inactions , but I think what hurts a great deal is thinking , he just stole her away from me if that makes sense?
betrayed fiancé - me 37 m
her -30 yrs old
I left our apartment a little over 2 months ago. NC for 2 weeks , prior to that emails about nothing , I would ask about her sending me my clothing and she would reply " We aren't getting back together" why she would say that I don't know , I have made it clear I would never EVER consider being with her ever again.

[This message edited by soveryalone1 at 5:48 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 11:10 AM

^^ She also had been saying for some time how angry she would get with me and how much resentment was building up , from my lack of working, lack of contributing to the apartment , do those negative feelings slowly make her love for me diminish , because this woman really did love me , was madly in love with me for years and years and years, also in time do those negative feelings go away and is it possible for her to miss me and love me again ? of course not how I was, but if I was on my meds, working , drug free , showing her I could give her the life she wants and deserves ? because the more I think about it , the more I realize , this OM , I really don't think she loves him , I think she is using him to try to get over me, and I have heard plenty of stories about women and men straying , or having a PA and then realizing they made a mistake . I am not saying I would want to work it out with her but we were together for a very long time , she spent her entire 20's with me so I would at the very least talk about being friends with her. And of course if the OM decides to end things with her and she calls me crying , I will be hanging up the phone. ugh why am I even thinking about this stuff , I need to just worry about myself, plus she changed her phone number , but that was my fault , a few nights in a row I relapsed and got very drunk and called her over 50 times over the 2 nights , so I cant blame her for that .

Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 11:29 AM

On the one hand you had an agreement, you were engaged, she accepted & loved you the way you were, sick, drug addicted etc. Yes? Then you get clean & she has an affair? Is that what you are saying? Clean the last couple of years? Maybe co-dependancy is what she craves in a relationship, could that play in?

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 11:34 AM

We were both HIGHLY codependent yes, but it was more like 3-4 months sober, and not totally sober , but I hadn't used the drug I was hooked on for years, but I still did something else I wont say but its now legal in several states

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 11:38 AM

Sorry that might have not been clear , I had relapsed many many times and still used once a month or so up until about 4 months prior to the end. but there were so many years built up , and honestly the drugs were just one of the issues , the main thing was we just had grown so far apart and , I really didn't care to spend time with her, or even talk to her when she was home , so I was not emotionally there for her , I guess maybe we could have tried counseling , but I had to leave there due to my extreme anxiety over her "friendship"

atsenaotie posted 7/15/2013 11:55 AM

I pushed her away ?

I am not a woman, but it sure sounds like it...

...started drifting apart... I wasn't there for her... I am bipolar, have PSTD, and anxiety disorder...I have trust issues...a bad drug habit ... out of the nearly 12 years I worked maybe 2 ...relapsed many many times ...drugs were just one of the issues ... didn't care to spend time with her, or even talk to her ... extreme anxiety over her "friendship"... drunk and called her over 50 times... I am not saying I would want to work it out with her

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 12:00 PM

Yea I agree thanks Atsen, I feel like crap that I did, and am full of regret, and sadness, but when I think about the whole relationship from start to finish , I realize I might have been saying the words I love u to her, a million times, but I am not sure I showed her love , I know this sounds strange but thinking about it like this , makes me feel a lot better , I would rather take the blame and forgive myself than feel like I was thrown out like a piece of garbage and replaced ya know?

k9lover1 posted 7/15/2013 12:24 PM

I think the two of you have grown apart and you need to learn from the past and move on.

It certainly sounds like she has moved on and is not interested in a relationship with you. Not meant to be hurtful, just telling it like it sounds.

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 12:34 PM

Yes , I have learned plenty , and I appreciate your direct reply :) and I know her and I wont ever have a relationship not even friendship , I am sorry if I made it sound like I was wanting to be with her :) I certainly know the relationship was toxic and unhealthy , I guess I just wanted someone to say , wow you are a complete mess, or at least you were, and you made her life a living hell and asked for all of this to happen, rather than everything was terrific with her and I , and this OM just came in and stole her away, I am sorry this must be so confusing

ninebark posted 7/15/2013 12:46 PM

I can only speak for myself so bear with me. I know in my marriage I was the person who took care of everything, money, house, child, everything. He worked, but he didn't have to be responsible for anything. That kind of responsiblity wears on any relationship. I was getting burnt out, cranky, tired, feeling unappreciated and angry because I felt so alone in my marriage. As much as you love someone resentment creeps in, and in your case you have to add in medical problems and drug addicition .

It seems to me that there are some huge obsticles here and it sounds like the relationship ended. You are only going to get out of a relationship what you put into it and if you neglect it it dies. I don't mean to sound cruel when I say this but I think she was already long gone. I think now you need to focus on yourself and try to fix those things that made you push her away in the first place.

Good luck

tryingmybest2011 posted 7/15/2013 12:52 PM

Hi, soveryalone. Sorry you're here.

From what you describe in your posts, you pushed her away with your actions and inactions, absolutely. Still not an excuse for her EA.

You mention that she could have told you she didn't love you anymore, however she did mention that resentment was building on her part. So she was vocal about her dissatisfaction. Were you receptive to discussing these issues with her? I can tell you with certainty that ignoring her, and her feeling used, would kill sexual attraction, regardless of how you look.

It seems your real question is if the OM is superior to you, and if he lured her away with a special quality or depth of love, or if you pushed away and caused the demise of the relationship. Based on what you've written, I'd guess the latter. (I'll say again - no excuse for an EA).

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 12:56 PM

Ok everyone thanks very much for the replies , Is there a way to close this thread, I know I asked for this , and I know I had many many issues and I honestly don't know what sort of replies I would get , but I am having a very horrible day and usually the replies make me feel slightly better , I guess me being so completely honest about myself , about my past was a mistake , and I needed to be ready for some very direct replies

Ostrich80 posted 7/15/2013 13:29 PM

I've seen this type of R with my DS and DIL. He had a drug problem before they went on their first date. She still loved him, supported him thru rehab, the whole 9 yrds. Add a baby, him not working and 7 yrs. He's been clean for awhile now and they do nothing but fight. She's distant, annoyed with the smallest of things. Itold him, she finally got a clear headed sober man but she doesn't know what to do with him. She's so used to taking care of business that she won't share any resposibilty but resents him for not helping. I think if she can't have a co dep R with him, she doesn't know how to have any R with him. She doesn't know who he is. She has a lot of resentment .
Maybe something to chew on. I know it happens sometimes. All a partner wants is sobriety but they are so bound up in co dep...they don't know how to deal with it once it happens.
As for the lack of sex. I told DS..she's been your mama for a long time....you have a parent/child R..not so good for the sex dept. Jus my 2cents

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:32 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

ladies_first posted 7/15/2013 15:52 PM

As a woman, the first two questions I would ask you:
1. Are you working now?
2. When is the last time you smoked pot?

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 15:58 PM

I left her 2 months ago, then moved in with my family, which wasn't working out, so I relocated to my families second home about 3 hours away from them, and been here a week and a half and have been looking for work in my field, I did drink some on my birthday 1 month ago, but other than that sober for 3 months

uncertainone posted 7/15/2013 16:01 PM

soveryalone, break ups are brutal even if infidelity isn't a part of it. Even harder if we feel we contributed to the demise.

You're grieving. It was a 12 year relationship. It's gonna hurt. Let yourself feel. If will get better.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, did some real solid work on the chemicals the brain releases in the throws of rejection. Just as addictive as the falling in love ones.

Understanding what you're going through can help so much as you try to work through it. You are not alone. This shit is tough. That's why there's whole sections in bookstores on it.

Fucking blows epically and hits hard at so many vulnerable spots.

Check this out and see if any of it fits for you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431331

[This message edited by uncertainone at 4:03 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

soveryalone1 posted 7/15/2013 16:09 PM

oddly enough ... when I think about the relationship as a whole , it really helps a lot , I know its a lot to take in , and I can forgive myself for my many many many issues and mistakes , and I feel badly she loved me so intensely and she really did for 10 years give or take , but it just got to be too much, and if I focus on the last month of the relationship , I feel EXTREMELY EXTREMELY on edge, depressed , and even worse at times... but when I focus on the whole thing , I realize I checked out a longggg time ago , and I don't know I feel less angry , less hurt , less pain ? just a little regret and sadness but I can forgive myself and know I did the best I could , well not really I guess , but I mean I loved her the best I could with all my issues, my many many issues

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2013 16:19 PM

Just wanted to congratulate you on your sobriety and send you some hugs.. I would focus on staying clean and healthy and working on your co-d issues, etc., so that you can be ready for the next relationship that comes along. I know it hurts, but I'm gonna bet you have gained some valuable wisdom to take with you as you move forward in life

ETA: Just wanted to say as well that you were very brave to be so honest about your issues. Just like at AA, the first step is admitting them (and some people never even get that far). But don't be too scared of them now that you've admitted him. I think there are something like 11 more steps to go after admitting your issues. Be brave and keep facing them. It's the only path that leads to healing. Hugs!!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 4:23 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Jospehine85 posted 7/15/2013 16:27 PM

It sounds like you did do the best you could AT THAT TIME. I bet now you can do better.

Good for you for working to stay sober and clean. Keep at it. Keep working on you. That is the most important thing right now.

ladies_first posted 7/15/2013 16:36 PM

2. When is the last time you smoked pot?

Or any other drugs for that matter?

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