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Blending families + getting married?

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Amazonia posted 7/15/2013 11:23 AM

No! Not me!

a friend of mine, V, is married to D. D has a child, K, from a ONS with A. K was about 5 when V and D got married, he's 7 or 8 now. They split parenting time pretty close to 50/50. Tracking with me?

A has issues with boundaries, and tries to insert herself into V and D's family on a pretty regular basis. She has admitted to V in the past that she had hoped the ONS would be more of a relationship, and really liked D. V wonders if A let herself get pregnant, but that's neither here nor there. One prime example of A's weird would-be relationship: V and D had a baby about six months ago. Since then, A has offered to take the baby repeatedly while she has K. She considers herself a "stepmother" to the baby, equal to V's relationship with K.

So... V just came to me and told me that A and her boyfriend of two years, T, got engaged. V and D found out via facebook. V is upset that T didn't come to D first and let him know that he would be proposing, since he will be even more in K's life now.

I told her that that seems off base to me, that T doesn't owe D anything, and that asking him or even giving him a "heads up" would seem weird to me.

Just curious if I'm off base here. I'm definitely not meddling, but since she came to me to vent about it, I made a single effort to help her see the other side of things, and let it go - if she needs to vent, I'll be a sounding board. It just got me thinking, and I was curious what kind of "courtesy" co-parents ought to have for one another in scenarios like this.

ps - Mods, if this is better suited for S/D or OT, I'm fine with a move. NB is just my comfortable place.

Catwoman posted 7/15/2013 11:28 AM

In my opinion, it should have been A who came to your friend's husband and let him know strictly on a "this affects our child" basis. It is not the fiance's responsibility.

Cat

Crescita posted 7/15/2013 11:49 AM

It sounds like V had come to consider A a friend. A moving on and leaving them out of the loop redefines things.

gahurts posted 7/15/2013 12:01 PM

I agree with Catwoman. I'm not really sure I understand why V would be geting upset either as this would be between A and D and V can discuss it with D and offer her thoughts and opinions but in the end it really doesn't concern her (unless she thinks the child, K is a risk some how).

Amazonia posted 7/15/2013 12:20 PM

Crescita, no, V definitely does NOT consider A a friend. A really, really gets on V's nerves. Probably 1/3 of my conversations with V are her venting about A.

lostmommy posted 7/15/2013 12:43 PM

It wasn't T's responsibility to let D know about the impending engagement at all. When my XH got engaged to OW, he gave me a courtesy of letting me know when he popped the question (which made me want to ) but I definitely don't feel like it would have been OW's responsibility to talk to me about it first. That's just weird.

D needs to move on. I imagine T has been in K's life regularly for the past 2 years. It's not as if this is a brand new relationship and K doesn't know T from a hole in the wall.

Kajem posted 7/15/2013 12:52 PM

MHO, It is for the parents to talk about what affects their child. The parents can then discuss with their partners the best way to handle the situation for when the children are with them.

Hugs,

K

Is it me or does it seem convoluted.

Weatherly posted 7/15/2013 13:28 PM

I gues it depends on the relationship before hand...I mean, is T involved? Do they know him? Etc.

Aussie and I got engaged then married 9 days later...it has been a year, and I still don't think either of us has ever mentioned it to the boy's dad. Because, the marriage didn't change anything in regards to the kids except that now Aussie can put them on his health insurance. And, I don't know if ex has ever been remarried, he wouldn't tell me if he had been or planned to do so. It would be nice to know, but it isn't my business, and it isn't like I can change it anyway.

If A being engaged to T changes nothing, then I can see why nobody would mention it.

persevere posted 7/16/2013 00:05 AM

Agree with Cat. T isn't the one who had the responsibility here if any exists. Ideally A should have mentioned it in the spirit of positive co -parenting. Outside of that it really doesn't matter. A review of boundaries may be in order.

Coraline posted 7/16/2013 02:36 AM

Why on earth would T tell D *before* he even asked A? Then D would know T was going to propose before A did. That is weird, weird, weird. He doesn't need D's permission to marry D's ex, whether they have kids together or not. No, he should NOT have let A's EX know they would presumably be getting married before A knew it herself. No way. You're right.

SBB posted 7/16/2013 05:30 AM

She considers herself a "stepmother" to the baby, equal to V's relationship with K.

What.The.Actual.Fuck?? This bends my brain. Yes, their children are 'half' siblings but even if D.. oh fuck I can't work it out.

Judging by V's reaction I have to say she is encouraging this behaviour with this weirdness.

No - your X's (ONS, is that even an X?) new partner does not ask you for their hand in marriage. Or for your blessing. Hell maybe even asking for the time would be a stretch.

Co-parents (in the true, functioning sense of the word) should inform the other parent of a new person being in their kids lives. If they can all get along and meet, hang out at kids events etc. then great. But seeking clearance to make decisions about each others lives like that?? No.

I agree with the poster that the co-parents should be doing all the informing/discussing about this kind of stuff.

Oy. This makes my head hurt.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:31 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Amazonia posted 7/16/2013 08:28 AM

That's what I thought too. For the record, A had never actually watched the baby. She's just offered over, and over, and over. She also really wants another child.

V can be a drama llama at times. I think that's part of what is at play here. As much as A has bizarre sense of boundaries (inviting herself to the hospital when the baby was born and wanting to be in the birthing room, insisting that they all celebrate Christmas together with all four (now five) sets of grandparents, etc.), V doesn't really put her foot down. She thinks, and I agree, that A is jealous of them. Hopefully getting engaged and a high chance of having another child of her own will help with that.

I left it on an "I'm sorry you're frustrated" note, with a final comment of "this is a chance to model the boundaries you'd like to see between the two families".

million pieces posted 7/16/2013 21:11 PM

Why on earth would T tell D *before* he even asked A? Then D would know T was going to propose before A did. That is weird, weird, weird. He doesn't need D's permission to marry D's ex, whether they have kids together or not. No, he should NOT have let A's EX know they would presumably be getting married before A knew it herself. No way. You're right.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I would be like, WTF?!??! if my SO's ex's boyfriend told ME that he was planning on proposing. That is bizarre.

persevere posted 7/16/2013 22:35 PM

I left it on an "I'm sorry you're frustrated" note, with a final comment of "this is a chance to model the boundaries you'd like to see between the two families".

This is why you are a great friend Ama - she's lucky to have you.

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