1) How & when did you know what your path was going to be either “Yes, I am going to stay and invest everything into this relationship” or “No, I can’t do it and I need to focus and me and the kids and start building a new type of life.” Will I get a revelation of what to do? I know that may be too hopeful.
I'm 11 months out and I am still not totally 100% sure, but I am leaning towards R. For me personally, until the roller coaster fully stops I don't think I will be able to make a fully committed decisions. (I posted on "Just Found Out" about Things I Wish I had Known (on D-Day) and I kind of go into more detail about this there.)
2) I have read countless stories of spouses who have been working on it for years and still saying it is hard and they are not over it. What makes it worth it to you to stay the relationship if you can’t get over it? Why wouldn’t you leave him and start afresh? I think I am looking for inspiration here.
I think, as with most things in life, it's never black and white. I don't believe I will ever "get over it", there will always be scars, but I certainly hope that eventually, with a lot of work on both our parts, the pros of staying in my marriage will out-weigh the cons. What makes me WANT to stay is that fWH and I are so comfortable together, we live together really well and enjoying doing things together. I hate to sound sappy, but in the ways that really matter he is the one I want to be with
3) Has anyone really “gotten over it”?
As I said in (2) I think there will always be big, ugly scars, but many people a lot further out from D-Day than I am, say that their marriages are a much stronger eventually
4) If you divorced and started new relationships, did this follow you into those relationships? If so, how?
Not quite answering your question, but: A friend of mine, who is older and wiser and has been married a lot longer than I have, came and saw me a couple of months after D-Day when I had filed for divorce. He pointed out to me that if I divorced and found someone new, that person would probably come with their own baggage, that person could cheat on me further down the line, that person may have an ex who would complicate our lives...etc etc The point he was making is that no "new" relationship would guarantee happiness and a pain-free existence.
I think it was Sisoon who posted on here that statistically a remorseful former WS who has worked on their issues, is less likely to have an A than a person who has never faced infidelity.
Bottom line is, I think it all depends whether the relationship we are currently in is worth saving. Is the spouse really remorseful, willing to do the work? If the WS is genuinely remorseful and willing to do what it takes, if you feel that you COULD continue in the relationship, then IMHO it is worth at least TRYING, giving it some time, watching the actions of the WS, seeing how you feel once your emotions have settled somewhat.