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Kids and the new SO

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pointmagnet posted 7/15/2013 12:15 PM

Ok I feel like I need a little advice here… What do I need to do to convince my kids (son, 26 and his wife, other son, 17) that the woman I am having a LDR with is a good person and not just out for my money? (which by the way is not much).

My two sons and daughter-in-law, and myself moved in together in the fall of 2012 after the WW essentially kicked the youngest boy out of the formal marital home. I basically said, wherever he goes, I will too, as he needs a parent and will continue to need a parent for awhile.

So for the last 10 months or so, we have had a nice setup. We live in a big, nice house; the oldest boy and his wife have the master bedroom, the youngest has basically the whole upstairs and I have the guest room. I pay all the household bills (the oldest and his wife give me some money each month to help with property tax). Additionally I do all the yard work and clean up after all of the pets.

My SO is quite a bit younger than me and honestly lives in a different world. She lives pretty much in poverty but makes ends meet and still has a great outlook on life. I honestly don’t think she is only interested in getting a visa to come to the states and then dump me.

Last weekend I came back from a trip abroad where my relationship with my SO improved greatly. She is a sweetheart and I am starting to think we are in love. We have talked about a possible 90-day visa for her to come with me to the states so that we really can see if things will work out. And this won’t happen likely until December of this year!

Even with this long and careful timeline, my oldest son is so threatened with the possibility of me having another woman in my life that he won’t even agree to go on a vacation to a Caribbean island (paid for by me) to get to know her. And he flat out states: “If she comes for a visit or to move in, we’re leaving.”

This, to me, is simply unreasonable. My son and his wife would have to come up with about $1800/month (probably more) to replace the “freebies” that they are getting while living under my roof. He would likely have to give up the job he likes in favor of one that pays better. Plus they would have to go through the unpleasantness of moving. And he and his wife would do that just to avoid someone that they haven’t met even once yet.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think. I have met my SO’s daughter a few times (18yrs), and she is charming and nice to me. Why are my kids behaving like this? They have said they are protecting me, but I'm a grown man and don't feel I need this kind of protection.

Thoughts??? - Feel free to bring a 2x4 if you think it's needed!

[This message edited by pointmagnet at 12:18 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Amazonia posted 7/15/2013 12:23 PM

Sorry to be a nay sayer, but every post you've made about this woman has left my skin crawling at how manipulative she is toward you. If the vibe I'm getting is accurate, I think your kids have valid concerns.

FaithFool posted 7/15/2013 12:23 PM

I'm trying to do the math here... Are you divorced yet? Already in love and meeting the offspring, wow, that is pretty quick.

Your 17-year-old has just been through the wringer here, less than a year ago, so your eldest is probably in protective mode about him too.

Since you *chose* this co-housing arrangement, it's not all about you. Everyone is going to be affected, and that might explain the resistance to the idea of changing things up so soon.

All may be on the up and up with this new woman, but you would not be the first well-to-do American boy to be duped by a charmer looking for a green card and a meal ticket.

Personally I think you're moving way too fast.

lieshurt posted 7/15/2013 12:30 PM

My SO is quite a bit younger than me and honestly lives in a different world. She lives pretty much in poverty but makes ends meet and still has a great outlook on life. I honestly don’t think she is only interested in getting a visa to come to the states and then dump me.

This happens quite often, so I can understand why your kids feel the way they do. My mother did this to my dad. He was in the Army in Korea and they began a relationship. Wasn't too long before she was pregnant and he married her to bring her back to the states. He also got her brother over here too. After a couple of years, she divorced him. I can clearly remember her and her korean friends talking about getting these americans to fall for them by any means necessary and being able to move to the US as a result. Getting pregnant pretty much sealed the deal. For them, it was about doing whatever they needed to get what they wanted. My uncle has a friend who married a woman from Russia, another who married a woman from the Phillipines and they both say they were duped by these women so they could get their citizenship. Honestly, if I were a man I would stay away from these situations.


ETA....ditto Amazonia.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 12:31 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

EvenKeel posted 7/15/2013 12:36 PM

WW essentially kicked the youngest boy out of the formal marital home.

Regardless of age, no child would like to feel they are not welcome in their parent's home.

So you realized that and made a new home with him (and your other DS/DIL).

That was only in the fall-2012 and now you are exhibited signs of being in /relationship love with someone new and potentially introducing her into his 'safe haven'? Lets put aside all her red-flags right now.....can't you see why they are in defense mode?

And he and his wife would do that just to avoid someone that they haven’t met even once yet.

I am not going to comment on this woman's intentions with you....but the statement you said above should be giving you its own 2x4.

Your kiddos are older and close to flying the coop....give them that security they need. If this woman is legit, she will understand and wait the years it requires.


Crescita posted 7/15/2013 12:46 PM

It sounds like your kids love you and want you to be happy. Since they don’t know her, their doubts about her are most likely coming from you. Consider things you have said, how you behave with the ups and downs of the relationship. Your concerns about her intentions have been clear in every post, I’m sure it is coming across crystal clear to them as well. You can’t expect them to assuage your fears before you have adequately addressed them yourself. You need to get this sorted and give them time to see that you truly are happy and seeing this realistically.

jennie160 posted 7/15/2013 12:56 PM

I'm in a LDR as well, so I can sympathize with how difficult the distance can be. But I have to agree with the others. Why not take your time with the relationship and see how things progress in their current state for awhile.

The fact that she is willing to give up her life and move thousands of mile after a short period of dating is a big red flag to me. I'm 2.5 years in with SO and just now starting to plan for relocation. I can't even imagine giving up my life, family and home for someone that I have known for such a short period of time.

pointmagnet posted 7/15/2013 13:11 PM

I hear all of you... And I also worry sometimes about all of those concerns listed...

December is the absolute earliest that she could visit - That would be about 11 months of on/off dating.

My WW and I only dated for about 9 months before tying the knot and boy that really turned out well.. :/

The safe-haven comment is the one that hits home. I've never thought that a smartass, know-it-all teenage boy would need a safe-haven, but you are right. That's exactly what he needs.

I guess things will have to be on the back burner for an extended period whether I like it or not. Hell, it's been 10 years since my first marriage had any elements of love left in it - I should be able to wait a few more to ensure its the real thing...

Sad in AZ posted 7/15/2013 13:57 PM

I have a little different take on this. It sounds like your married son & DIL are taking advantage of you (with your blessings) It's about time they grew up and flew the coop. They should not be threatening you about your relationships.

Having said that, I do agree you should proceed cautiously with this woman from overseas. If she's only coming on a 90-day visa, then going home, I see little harm, but if she pushes for M while she's here, you need to be prepared. That would be a huge red flag.

As for your 17-year old, I didn't see anything in your posts that indicates he's upset about this; what has he said?

pointmagnet posted 7/15/2013 14:13 PM

My 17 yr-old hasn't really said anything to me about it.... But that doesn't mean he's not unhappy about it - he just doesn't share his feelings as well as his older brother.

He's a pretty normal teenager. Has lots of friends he spends time with. Sometimes they come to our house, sometimes they go to others' houses. He has a girlfriend, a job, and enjoys riding his longboard...

I'm glad you asked about him... turns out he is scheduled to go spend a couple of weeks with his mother starting tomorrow. Fun for him.

Kajem posted 7/15/2013 15:47 PM

Pointmagnet,

It sounds like you do a lot of traveling and saying in places for a period of time. Who watches out for your 17yo when you are gone? If it's your older son and his wife, they may get to have a say in you bringing her to stay. Especially if 17yo DS talks to them.

I would talk to 17DS and ask.

My feelings about this woman/girl is to hold off on her coming for at least a year. I think your younger son needs to have a household with very little changes. I assume he is beginning his senior year of HS... He NEEDS your attention for the next year.

Hugs,

K

FaithFool posted 7/15/2013 16:48 PM

This ^^^^ for your son, very important.

Point, are you divorced yet? Just wondering.

If I were you I would proceed *very* carefully and make sure that when you eventually take the intimacy to the next level, you play it very safe, as in don't get her pregnant safe.

A pregnancy is a ticket to permanent residency and then you would be in a fine pickle.

Unless that's where you want to go with things, in which case ignore what I just said.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 4:49 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

pointmagnet posted 7/15/2013 18:08 PM

No my divorce isn't final yet.

The WW spends every waking (and non-waking) moment with the OM and proudly displays it on Facebook, etc... She's too busy having sex with him in public to deal with something as trivial as getting a divorce and letting me move on with my life.

I just don't get it. WW gets to have a boy-toy and flaunt it big-time with no repercussions, while I get shouted down if I even mention that I might like another woman.

I guess some people get to have actual lives and some people just get to pay for it.

Oh and the pregnancy thing... I've had a vasectomy so that's not an issue. Also, my girlfriend actually has scruples - so we haven't had sex yet and aren't planning to until engaged or even married. I guess in this day and age, that's probably another "red flag" in everyone's book.

[This message edited by pointmagnet at 6:11 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

lieshurt posted 7/15/2013 18:18 PM

Also, my girlfriend actually has scruples - so we haven't had sex yet and aren't planning to until engaged or even married.

Well, as a woman who apparently doesn't have scruples I see this as more of a manipulative tactic than anything.

inconnu posted 7/15/2013 18:25 PM

I'm in an LDR, and have been for 3 1/2 years, although we both are in the same country.

I just don't get it. WW gets to have a boy-toy and flaunt it big-time with no repercussions, while I get shouted down if I even mention that I might like another woman.

It took almost 2 years for my now-18 yr old to be willing to meet my SO. It was 3 years before SO stayed at my house when he came for a visit, because we knew we had to proceed at a slower pace around my kids, due to the way the boys' dad handled his leaving, the divorce, moving in with the OW, etc. And that was all before we knew ex had married OW, and told the boys after the fact.

Sometimes it really sucks to be the way more responsible parent, especially when you have to act differently than you want to because the other parent is a dumbass, but at least I know my kids respect me.

[This message edited by inconnu at 6:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

FaithFool posted 7/15/2013 18:53 PM

Why are my kids behaving like this? They have said they are protecting me, but I'm a grown man and don't feel I need this kind of protection.

If you really feel this way ^^^ then go ahead, bring her over to live with you for the 90 days and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe your kids will go and set up house somewhere else together and everyone will be happier.

persevere posted 7/15/2013 23:41 PM

I tend to bend towards SAZ's thought, however, I think you need to separate the issues.

Exactly why are you supporting a married couple? They should be supporting themselves.

The issues with SO are separate from that but it sounds like you should do what you can to minimize the concerns there by taking a close look at the concerns in question.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/16/2013 00:08 AM

I find it strange that your older married son is laying down ultimatums. Where do you think his hatred of this woman comes from?

Cally60 posted 7/16/2013 07:31 AM

Am I right in guessing that your SO the first woman you've dated, or the first you've seriously dated, since the split?

You were married for a long time and you imply that your marriage was an empty one long before the split. If I were your mother or older sister, I, too, would be concerned about you. In your situation, after so many years off the scene and so long without a real connection, it seems to me that one might very easily mistake affection and the re-awakening of desire for true love. Think back to your youth. Did you not think your first steady girlfriend was the most wonderful person you'd ever met? Your one true love? And How about a few years later? Did you still feel the same way? [[.....asking, with fingers crossed, in the hope that you didn't marry your high-school sweetheart.]

Even leaving aside the possible spouse-for-green card problem, it seems to me that it might be a good idea for you to think of your new relationship as an enjoy-the-now one, rather than as the forever kind. I really would urge you to relish your freedom for a little longer and have several different girlfriends before tying yourself down again. I don't think that a single male of your age is unlikely to have any difficulty in finding dates!

You've already had lots of 2X4s over the green card issue, so I'll try not to add to your pain. But I agree with almost everyone else. Be very, very wary. You may not consider your fortune to be large. But if your SO lives in poverty, to her it will seem a fortune. There's no harm in "rescuing" her if she is genuinely fond of you and will make you happy. But when you only see someone for short periods in a vacation situation it's easy to be loving. It's also easier to play a role. In many ways, if you seriously want to consider a future with her, then bringing her into your world for an extended period would be a good idea.

But if it is humanly possible, not until your son has set off for college. He needs you now and I believe that his needs have to take priority over your own for a while yet. He's very young and his mother has apparently more or less abandoned him. That's a terrible thing to happen to any child, even one who is in high school.

And if you do bring your girlfriend over for the 90 days, do not, NOT, make any long-term commitment beforehand. Just keep talking about having her stay for an extended vacation, or, if you must, of seeing how it goes. To do otherwise would be very foolish of you and also unfair to Miss Dream. For for you might very well find that in the real world, rather than the vacation paradise situation, the romantic dream fades a little. Or a lot. You really must leave yourself a get-out clause, in case you realize that you need it.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 7:34 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

pointmagnet posted 7/16/2013 07:37 AM

With regard to why I am supporting a married couple: The WW made a deal with them to stay in our ”other” house and take care of the youngest boy. I didn’t go for the deal, but by the time I had gotten back from a business trip, everyone had been moved. So I just moved in with them, as I didn’t want to give my oldest son the responsibility of watching the youngest one all the time. I do ask them to pay a little rent each month, but the amount is insignificant in comparison to the place where we live.

One of the comments I got from my older son the other night was that he thinks I am living a “double standard.” He accepts that his mother is and has been screwing the OM, and thinks that it is reasonably wrong. But if I talk about my new friend, he absolutely freaks out. I think he is threatened by the fact that my friend is only 4 years older than his wife. (He’s 5 years younger than his wife)

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