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sleeping in separate rooms?

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circleoflife posted 7/15/2013 12:26 PM

last week I got some more TT. He slept in his car first night. I told him he could sleep in the gameroom instead of sleeping in the car. He is being transparent, gave me all p/w, scheduling IC appts. He is answering my questions. He is talking about it. He feels horrible (so he says). He is acting as if he feels horrible. He said he is preparing for the worst (separation) but hoping for the best (staying together).
Well I know this is going to be a long roller coaster to get at a better place. However, he's still sleeping downstairs. It is concerning to me for a few reasons.
1-I don't trust him, now he is downstairs, with free reign.
2-We would spend time in the evening in bed talking. now we really don't have that time to talk.
3-I asked him about sleeping upstairs and he said no. I took a deep breath. I asked him why, he said sleeping downstairs is a punishment and he still doesn't feel like he deserves to sleep in our room.
I don't like the feeling of him sleeping downstairs. I mean if we are going to separate then yes, that's where he needs to be until finding his own place. But if we are going to work on this, sleeping in separate rooms doesn't seem like it's going to help in the fixing process.
Anyways, has anyone been thru this? Does it seem like a b.s. line from him?
Sorry thoughts are all over the place still. TIA

Deeply Scared posted 7/15/2013 12:56 PM


The first month or so, my husband didn't want me in our bedroom...I opted to sleep on the couch.

I wanted very much to be with him but until he was ready, I respected his wished to sleep alone. I don't know if your H is feeding you a line of BS, but if I were him, I would have jumped at the invitation back into the bedroom. I personally feel it puts an even bigger division between you two.

Have you told him how this is making you feel?

circleoflife posted 7/15/2013 13:03 PM

I haven't told him yet, but am going to tell him tonight. I too am having trouble expressing my feelings right now. There are so many emotions. I try to think a little bit longer about something before reacting/responding.
Thank you DS

Deeply Scared posted 7/15/2013 13:09 PM


I know it's a really confusing time for you, but I think if you sit him down and share with him how this is making you feel it will help you both.

Go slow and let him know your feelings...communication is a huge stepping stone towards healing

OldCow18 posted 7/15/2013 14:20 PM

My WH has been sleeping in the family room for 5 weeks now. He would absolutely jump at the chance to come back to our bedroom. I'm surprised your WH would baulk at that. Definitely tell him how you feel. He may have no idea.

callmecrazy posted 7/15/2013 14:29 PM

My WH wasnt ready to move back in...he wasnt where he said if I was able to sneak out and check and he was chatting up OW w his spare time instead of thinking about why he's a jerk. I'd call bull. Do you have access to every possible form of comunication he could be using??

[This message edited by callmecrazy at 2:31 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

dreamlife posted 7/15/2013 14:37 PM

I moved out of the bedroom.
I was beyond caring what he was up to!

So I bought a full size bed and slept in the big living room and it was great. It felt like I was floating in a big boat or being in a large aviary...despite having other bedrooms to move in to.

My key logger also showed he was up to no good alone in the master bedroom...

((((huge hugs))))

circleoflife posted 7/16/2013 06:00 AM

CMCrazy he is sleeping downstairs and has access to his laptop and his phone. Well I have his p/ws we all know how easily new accounts, etc.. could be opened.

I told him last night how I feel. one about the trust and two about the division/separation it is putting in between us. He choose again to sleep downstairs. He went on about the punishment thing, blah blah blah. Then he said well if you really want me to I will. NO I want you to want too, and if you don't then don't. So he didn't. He stayed up until I went to bed, then went downstairs to do who knows what. Oh he has been watching a series of movies, he says.
I am very hurt and confused by this. I feel like it's not an action of someone who wants to R. I realize it's minor but after explaining my feelings this is what I was left with. I just put my hands up for this roller coaster ride!

callmecrazy posted 7/16/2013 07:25 AM

Id find a way to figure out what he's doing. I call BS though. Whose being NOT COOL. 180 him. Dont be nice. I royally screwed my situation up by not having this site in the beginning and doing everything wrong. You 180 and you decide what you are going to need and know what your boundaries are and DO NOT change them unless you honestly feel it is a good change or one you are comfortable with. Stand up for you bc he at this point is no more than a rebelious, selfish teenager.
HUGS, I know this is not easy but you must be strong.

cliffside posted 7/16/2013 07:40 AM

He does not sound remorseful and you can't R with an unremorseful cheater. From your profile it says he's still in TT mode - so he's probably still cheating too. I'd tell him he can sleep wherever he wants but all cell phones and computers are going to remain in your bedroom at night.
Figure out what your line in the sand is for staying or leaving, draw it out for him, and stick to it.
Hugs to you....

Jospehine85 posted 7/16/2013 09:11 AM


I threw my WH out on Dday, he wouldn't leave. He was too afraid to let me out of his sight, literally. He followed me around every where and it was like having a giant tumor on my hip. He slept in the same bed as me even though I would have preferred him out on the sofa. I think that would be a more normal sign of someone who understands the severity of their actions.

I think your WH is up to something. During the A, my WH would stay up all night out in the family room sexting with his volunteer prostitute.

I suggest if you have his passwords that you drop the idea of him sleeping in your room for a few days, then log on to his accounts during the night while you are in your room and he is in the gameroom and see what he is up to.


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