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jk5366 posted 7/15/2013 12:46 PM

These last couple months have been up and down for me. I'd see that H would unfriend "her" on FB for a while. I'd celebrate in my own head. Then he'd reconnect with her on FB. I'd die inside. This happened several times. I'd also notice behavioral changes in him at home whenever this happened. At times her was more attentive at home when they wouldn't be FB friends, his cell phone would stop beeping when a text would come through. Then he would be back to secret texting, and being grouchy, etc as they refriended on FB. (Is refreinded a word?) Anyway - my daughter and I took my mom to Ohio right after July 4. We came back on the 7th (left mom there for a visit) and I was coming back in from taking the trash out. As I came in, he was texting someone back. So, I asked who he was chatting with... even though I knew, because I can f'n read!!! I kept my mouth shut as he lied to me about some trucks at work that broke down, etc, and it goes on. Later on, he was in the bathroom (sorry, tmi) and I went back there to have him take a tag out of our daughter's new shirt he bought her (I got candy to share with her, which is fine, but still), because the tag got caught in the sewing of the collar and I didn't want to rip the shirt. As I walked into the bathroom, he quickly drops his cell into his underwear. I was like "what are you doing?" He said he was just reading his magazine. I said "you dropped something in your underwear." He had no response. I looked though, kinda peeked a bit, and saw it was her again. I don't usually hate people. I'm pretty tolerant. But I'm feeling pretty hate-worthy here. (or something like that.) Our daughter has her 6th b'day tomorrow. I've been holding this in. Even though this will affect her, in the end, I don't want it to affect her day. Or even her week. I had thought of holding off until after her party, but I don't think I can. Her party may not be until after August 1. (too much going on.)
In short, I'm about to quit. I can't take it any longer. I'm working on what to say to him to start it off. Such as, "How far have you and E gone?" Or... "what did you buy her the weekend I was out of town?" And then let it take its own course.

so torn and broken...

wifeno2 posted 7/15/2013 13:01 PM

So is he openly cheating on you and expecting you to stick around? Have you talked openly about it? MC or IC? Have you been clear with yourself and him about what you will put up with?

wanttogoforward posted 7/15/2013 13:35 PM

Shove him off the fucking fence now! He is sitting on it and having his cake and eating it too... and YOUR life is a mess because of it!
Tell him it's time to choose... her or you... or tell him he needs to leave and you are throwing him out... but do something! You are just taking his disrespect in stride... and you don't have to!
My H did the same thing... until I about snapped... snap now and make him decide... it has to end! He won't decide and you haven't forced him to... you are his back up plan right now... don't let him do that to you... and don't worry about a bday party... there will always be something to stop you from forcing him to decide... your child will likely not remember/ care about a party....
Sorry if this seems harsh... but you need to lay down the law... now... this is your life he's messing with....

kiki1 posted 7/15/2013 13:47 PM

(((jk)))
I'm sorry your going through this. its as wanttogoforward says. he's straddling that fence pretty hard and your the one paying the price for it. Put your foot down, best you can. Only you can stop him from treating you this way. hugs

ladies_first posted 7/15/2013 14:40 PM

((((jk5366))))

I'm working on what to say to him to start it off. Such as, "How far have you and E gone?" Or... "what did you buy her the weekend I was out of town?" And then let it take its own course.

No, sweetie, that's the "little picture."

Now it's time to only focus on the big picture: Are you in or out of this marriage?

As I walked into the bathroom, he quickly drops his cell into his underwear. I was like "what are you doing?" He said he was just reading his magazine. I said "you dropped something in your underwear." He had no response. I looked though, kinda peeked a bit, and saw it was her again.

There's your answer. He's *actively* involved in an ongoing affair.

I don't say this lightly: Time to start the divorce proceedings. I understand it's NOT "what you want." But it's time.

Maybe the shock of losing his wife and child will wake him up (but don't count on it.)

Big pic: He's disrespecting you. He's disrespecting his marriage vows.

What's your next step, jk5366?

jk5366 posted 7/16/2013 15:06 PM

thank you. yes, I know I have to do something. sitting back and letting him do this, is just disgraceful. i'm highly embarrassed about it. really I am. I cannot wait until our daughter's b'day party has passed.
I've worked with kids since I graduated from college. shoot, before that! I know the way stuff like this affects kids. I do not want this to affect my mini me too horribly. I know it will affect her some. I do know that. there's no getting around that. but I can try my best to minimalize it for her. luckily she doesn't see him a whole lot because of his work hours (his actual ones, not the ones he makes up so he can see the slut).

wanttogoforward posted 7/16/2013 16:15 PM

jk... there is no need to feel embarrassed... you did nothing wring... anyone who judges you poorly because of HIS actions is not a friend of yours... and if they aren't a friend you really don't care about their opinion at all....

Please push him off that fence today! He will either: beg for forgiveness and be willing to work on the M or leave for her... it is simply best for your sanity and health to not keep going the way you are.... a choice needs to be made.... you will heal either way- with or without him, and time will go on, and you will find happiness again!

blakesteele posted 7/16/2013 16:50 PM

(((jk)))

I dont know your backstory or how long you have known about the affair.

For me I discovered my wifes A in early September...we started counseling...she chose to take the EA and move it to a PA in October. She broke NC in November..he did not respond.

I think it makes a difference where you are at from DD. Read about the fog...it is a dreadful thing and I beleive it was everybit as hurtful as the affair itself...because during the fog period our WS's KNOW that we KNOW...and yet choose to continue to damage us and our marriage....

Only you will know your limits...just saw you were a new member and wanted to get you up to speed on a few things I wish I knew early on. I found this site 4 months after my DD...would not have made so many mistakes had I had the knowledge this site offers.

Peace and God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:54 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

brkn_heartd posted 7/16/2013 19:49 PM

He will continue as long as you permit it. When I was finally finished with his secret texting, emailing and meetings, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I told him I WOULD NOT be the OW in my own marriage. I was done. It ripped him out of his fantasy world. Asking your H the questions you suggested will result in being lied to. By just laying it out there he knows you know. HOWEVER, you have to be prepared for the outcomes. He may end it, he may not. You have no control over that. You have control over your life and your daughter's life.

Take care of yourself....this is a very hard phase. We are here for you.

jk5366 posted 7/17/2013 14:31 PM

one minute "i'm there" at that point, then the next minute I'm no where near there. and then the next i just don't care, plain and simple. Last night i was like, it is what it is, and i'm not wasting another moment of my happiness on worrying about his loserness. and then i start all over again. i definately feel different than i did just a couple weeks ago.
i want to make sure i have stuff lined up, bills ready to be split, etc, so he can't say "but what will you do about this/that, etc." i'm not renewing my cell phone yet because of this mess. among other bills, etc. i am going to have his stuff ready to go with him.
so, ya, i'm working toward the day...

ladies_first posted 7/17/2013 15:22 PM

There are 5 stages of change:
1. Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems.
2. Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
3. Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4. Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5. Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

jk5366, Congratulations on reaching the ACTION stage!

i want to make sure i have stuff lined up, bills ready to be split, etc, so he can't say "but what will you do about this/that, etc." i'm not renewing my cell phone yet because of this mess. among other bills, etc. i am going to have his stuff ready to go with him.
so, ya, i'm working toward the day...

Now it's about *your* future, and less about his bad choices.

Keep it up!

jk5366 posted 7/17/2013 15:48 PM

thank you for posting the stages. that totally fits!!! i do feel i am approaching the action stage.

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 16:03 PM

I don't think I'd bother asking him questions when you know he is going to lie. Why ask, "What did you buy her?" or "How far have you gone?" He'll look at you, mute, or tell you a lie.

Instead, I would tell him, "You are having an ongoing affair with E. I am not willing to be in a marriage with three people. So, this is it: you have 24 hours to establish permanent NC with her and commit to R, or to move out." (Omit the "commit to R" if you're really done.)

jk5366 posted 7/17/2013 16:06 PM

i honestly do not know yet if I'm really done. if he's willing to drop her like a hot, lava covered boulder, i may reconcile (sorry - bad at the abreviations). at least i'm coming to the point of ready to have him leave if this continues.

1Faith posted 7/17/2013 16:18 PM

Does he know you know?

(((Hugs)))

ladies_first posted 7/17/2013 16:53 PM

He said he was just reading his magazine. I said "you dropped something in your underwear." He had no response. I looked though, kinda peeked a bit, and saw it was her again.

The only thing he dropped was his phone. In his underwear.

they refriended on FB

Not exactly "dropping her," is he?

jk5366 posted 7/22/2013 07:30 AM

no, he doesn't know that I know. He's got to be stupid if he thinks I don't suspect something. I'm always asking who he's texting or who was on the phone, etc.

Getting to Happy posted 7/22/2013 12:05 PM

jk5366~

I am so very sorry that you are going through this shit storm of betrayal by your WH. Infidelity Sucks

But I would like to concur that 'shock and awe' are the way to go.

I know that you are pissed off that he has the nerve to do this right in front of you...but you seem so level headed. Being reasonable is not the way to go.

You have got to get MAD!

Have a friend watch your DD and Find Your BitchBoots!

I would not even give him 24 hours for NC...Right NOW is a good time. Since he is texting non stop, I'm sure he has the number.

Don't let him have time to think about this. If so, he may give his AP a 'heads up' and they will take the affair underground.

I know it may seem like it is easy for me to say. But trust me, I did not know what SI was and I made Mr. Happy JUMP UP and tell her "NO MORE!" No more dates, no more work for her, and no more help with her projects.

And you know what? He acted foggy for about a day, then he realized that the gig was up!

TT was another issue but since I have 'Snapped' a few times, he does not want see my BitchBoots again.

I am not into emasculation of my man. All I did was mark a bright line, a boundary that I was not going to let him cross without consequences. Then I stuck to those consequences.

If he falters and really fights to protect his AP, you may have to have some 'consequences' up your sleeve. So figure out your game plan...Plan A is he is compliant or Plan B if he protects the AP.

You cannot control him, but you sure can control YOU!

Decide what you want your marriage to look like and don't let your WH or his affair partner dictate your life.

You got this!

Sending you strength and most of all please protect your heart.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

jk5366 posted 7/22/2013 12:57 PM

i am trying to protect my heart. I am trying to protect my daughter's heart and mental health. I work at Head Start, so I at least have the resources in case i need them. today is a bad day for me emotionally. we had a great weekend. he played, teased, cuddled, etc. and now, i'm back to thinking we are still at an impass.
i really hate this.

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