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Do you have to be committed to reconciliation for MC to work

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betrayed1965 posted 7/15/2013 12:58 PM

My wife had an 8-month affair 6 years ago, even after I discovered her online affair with sexting and inappropriate messages and photos via e-mail with a different man overseas.

She suffers from anxiety, depression, and bulimia. Her bulimia has been going on for 27 years. I only found out about it by discovering her post on a bulimia support group at about the same time I discovered the affair, by her posting on an affair support group (yes, a SUPPORT GROUP for continuing affairs).

Last night, even though she is binging and purging several times each week, she says that she has her bulimia under control because she is on medicine for it (AD and anti-anxiety). She says that bulimia is not curable, and that as long as she can keep a job, meet job expectations, and be a good mother, then that's good enough. She has started therapy with at least five different therapists, and has stopped seeing all of them within a couple of weeks. Since she is on medication that is supposed to deal with her depression and her urges to binge and purge, then she says she is being treated, and that she is not ignoring her issues. She has begun to drink a lot of wine recently, at least one glass a day, and sometimes as much as a bottle a day. I drink about one beer every other month - no exaggeration.

We have decided to give counseling one last try, even though the previous three counselors have begged me to leave her. All three said that she needs to address her inner demons before we can even begin to deal with us. She thinks they are unreasonable.

I asked her if she was totally committed to fixing our relationship, and she said that she doesn't know our relationship can be salvaged. When I asked if she can give a commitment to salvaging it, and look at counseling as an opportunity for reaching that goal, she says that she's not willing to make any commitment until she hears from a counselor that we have a chance of making it. To me, this sounds like total crap. If you are not in it to succeed, then you have no chance to succeed.

I have a few issues as well; I am not perfect. I am not abusive, unfaithful, or addicted to any substance. I am highly educated and successful and financially stable. I believe that I am quite a catch.

All of her issues are HUGE SECRETS. She has a public persona which is bubbly and perfect, and totally FAKE. Her private persona is just trying to survive with her personal demons and the mess that she made of our lives with her affairs.

Should I just quit, because I am the verge of throwing in the towel. Oh, and by the way, she won't have any physical contact with me, and that has been going on for FIVE YEARS.

[This message edited by betrayed1965 at 1:20 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 7/15/2013 13:52 PM

she says that she's not willing to make any commitment until she hears from a counselor that we have a chance of making it.

If she's just waiting for someone to tell her what she wants to hear, then she's doomed to fail.

I don't think you have to be committed to reconciling to attend MC, but I do feel there needs to be a direction of wanting to try that route to see if it's going to work.

And five years of no physical contact? That *really* needs to be addressed...imho.

solus sto posted 7/15/2013 14:52 PM

I do think that commitment to reconciliation is important. MC with a spouse who is not yet there can be profoundly damaging to the BS.

I think it's quite important, in cases such as yours (and mine) for the initial focus to be on IC.

Your wife needs to get into real recovery before, really, you can make marital headway. That she's symptom-substituting (for example, increasing her alcohol intake as she "controls" the bulimia) is very worrisome, and needs attention--fast. Cross-addiction is very prevalent with eating disorders, and she needs to be aware of this and take precautions to prevent it.

betrayed1965 posted 7/15/2013 15:16 PM

I just called to make an appointment for marriage counseling. The counselor said that she didn't feel like marriage counseling was really appropriate for me in this situation and that I need to focus on individual counseling right now. She said that she would be put in the position of taking sides, and if she suggested that my wife deal with her underlying issues that my wife would just bolt - like she has three times before.

realitybites posted 7/15/2013 15:20 PM

Do you have to be committed to reconciliation for MC to work?

Yes. For you and your sitch? Yes.

I would highly suggest IC as something very much needed before MC could maybe possibly help.

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