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Need your Honest Opinion/ Maybe I am making too much out of this

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brokenandconfuse posted 7/15/2013 13:12 PM

My H had kids this weekend. They spent most of the time at their friends and up till late at night. My 9yr old daughter stayed at a friends house where evidentially some murderous horror shows were being watched by the Dad (one of my H's addict buddies...why do they all like creeper shows?)

Also, the reason that I text him is because she kept sleep talking telling me that she had a secret and he told her not to tell. It sounded like her older brother told her not to tell, but I was getting a little scared of what the secret was. Still don't know.

Here is our texts from last night:

Me: Taya is scared out of her mind about some shows Shawn was watching. She sleeps and wakes up scared. She hasn't let go of me since I picked her up, not to eat or even get pajamas on. She told me that she is never going back there.

H: :-( Wish I could help. I will let Shawn know. Sorry, I had no control of that. If she wants she can call me.

Me: She went back to sleep but her eyes are rapid and she keeps deep swallowing and telling me that she can't tell me???

H: Wow! I had no idea. I feel so bad for her. I barely got to talk to her. She said nothing to me.

I"ll talk to Shawn. That can't be healthy for his girls either.

Me: And she is awake again. This will be a long night.

H: Maybe I can settle her down if she calls.

Me: I asked (and I really did), she said no. This time she said ghosts were killing things and her whole body was shaking and she almost threw up. Totally traumatized. :-(

I told her to think about the new kitties.

H: Damn, he should no better than that. Bad enough for his own kids but somebody elses. c'mon, please.

Me: U watch those shows and taya got scared then too. Just sayin.

H: I suppose you got a point:-(

Did that make you feel good :-)


Me: What does that mean? I just thought u were being a bit hypocritical. I am not mad at u for Shawn's movies.

H: Was just chuckling. You kinda got me bout I used to do that.

Me: I guess I don't see the humor. Night.

H: You called me out and made a fine point that I hadn't thought about. Nothing bad. Good night.

Okay, so I don't trust my own thoughts and feelings anymore, but here is where I am at with this. Part of me was being angry that he hasn't seen his kids for almost two weeks and they spend the entire time somewhere else, angry because his friends are not people I even want my kids around not to mention spend the night with, and part of me wanted him to see why watching those shows around kids is not good (because he still does watch them). So looking at it. I probably should had said just that instead of being passive. I didn't really want to start a fight and my main goal was to try to find out what she couldn't tell me? I was fearing it was sexual or who knows. Since I can't trust him, I can't just ask directly because he would lie.

Lastly, I was thrown off a litte when he was "chuckling" because I called him out on being a hypocrite. I just find that strange and I can't even put my finger on it.

When I look at this today, I see the addict and codependent passive speak. I am frustrated with myself because I am trying to break the "old" passive me. Basically, me saying can't you see the damage that you do by exposing the kids to this and him saying let me be the hero and make her feel better, because she should think I am superdad. (which he says btw, that he is superdad and superhusband)

I also see the ? what do you call it?? When he drank he would always say, look at that worthless drunk with no job..ect. The entire time I am thinking...look at my worthless H, who is always drunk and has not job..what a hypocrite.

So, to get back to the point. Should I feel strange about him chuckling about me calling him out?

kiki1 posted 7/15/2013 13:55 PM

hello Broken

I dont know if you should feel strange about his chuckling or not. I just wanted you to know you've been heard. I know my own h can be hypocritical too and i would probably take it as self growth if he was able to see it in himself as your h did. But you would know best and if your instincts are telling you something wasnt quite right about it, well, then you should pay attention to that. Is there a possiblity another child could tell you the secret? though i would hesitate to draw them in too much. it may come out on its own. I"m sorry.

justdoit posted 7/15/2013 14:20 PM

You asked for honest opinion so here goes - Maybe the real issue here is that a 9 yr old child is terrified and isn't supposed to tell some sort of secret. Quite frankly maybe you aren't making enough of this - the real issue.

TrulySad posted 7/15/2013 23:32 PM

Please keep talking to your daughter. Somehow get her to trust you with the truth. No matter how afraid a child is from a movie, it's not a normal response to feel sick from a bad dream about it. I pray there isn't more to it, but please keep talking to her. It doesn't sound right at all. (((Hugs)))

Ariabook posted 7/15/2013 23:51 PM

If I were in your shoes, I would worry about DD not your H. She sounds like she's having a real hard time overcoming this. Poor baby.

Dare2Trust posted 7/16/2013 02:40 AM

brokenand confuse,

Personally - I'd be a lot more concerned and upset if my WH left my 9 year old daughter overnight with one of his addict buddies!!!

WHY is this happening?
If your WH isn't going to ACTUALLY spend time with his kids -- why aren't they staying home with you; SO, you know they are safe?

My suggestion:
You need to talk to your daughter calmly and directly...and find out what bothering and upsetting her. Hopefully she's truamatized by the inappropiated shows she was exposed to watching.
If she continues to refuse to "disclose" what is wrong -you need to make an appointment with a Counseling who works with children. This could be serious.

BUT: If you are aware that your husband is "an addict" along with his BUDDIES...I'd firmly sugguest: You only allow him to have "SUPERVISED VISITATIONS" with these children, until he proves he is Clean-and-Sober.

Your children's safety and well-being must have PRIORITY; and I certainly don't think having your young children "being watched by one of your husband's addict buddies" is in the best interests of your children's safety and well-being. That's a harsh 2 X 4...but you asked for honest opinions.

ladies_first posted 7/16/2013 11:40 AM

Part of me was being angry that he hasn't seen his kids for almost two weeks and they spend the entire time somewhere else, angry because his friends are not people I even want my kids around not to mention spend the night with, and part of me wanted him to see why watching those shows around kids is not good (because he still does watch them). So looking at it. I probably should had said just that

Agreed, you should have said just that.

Personally - I'd be a lot more concerned and upset if my WH left my 9 year old daughter overnight with one of his addict buddies!!!

she kept sleep talking telling me that she had a secret and he told her not to tell.

Listen to me very carefully, brokenandconfuse. Your 9-year-old is having night traumas after being left in the care of strange man, a man who is known addict.
YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON THIS, AND THIS ALONE. Today. Talk to her. Today.

ladies_first posted 7/16/2013 11:57 AM

try to find out what she couldn't tell me? I was fearing it was sexual or who knows.

Yes, I hope is was not sexual abuse, but the issue has presented itself and now you need to follow through.

Maybe a talk about pretend bad guys (ghosts in the movies, etc.) and real bad guys (sexual predators). Make sure she knows the difference. Make sure she know mommy will help keep her safe.

Good luck.
brokenandconfuse

brokenandconfuse posted 7/19/2013 09:08 AM

Thank you everyone. DD said that she was scared of the ghosts that were killing people in the movie and that her brother told her ghost stories after to scare her. I also talked with my H and told him that she is never to stay there again, or with any other of his addict/recovering addicts. H needs to start making good choices. (but I am not going to hold my breath on that)

confused615 posted 7/19/2013 09:26 AM

What was the secret? You need to dig until you find out.

She was left with an addict. She was told not to tell you something. She is having night terrors.

I think there's more going on here..Im sorry.

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