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lisafish posted 7/15/2013 14:08 PM

I am having such conflicting emotions. I am angry at what my husband is doing. I am confused why he wouldn't want to try reconciliation or isn't truly remorseful. He keeps apologizing, but won't stop the affair (we are separated), so I tell him I can't believe he is sorry. I am sad that my best friend and marriage is ending. And I get angry with myself when he doesn't reach out to chat with me, even if I really don't want to talk to him.

I hate OW with a passion. She is smug, childish and until WS told her to leave me alone, made sure to post things on FB specifically to hurt me. I want to hit her with a shovel just for her attitude towards this, as though she is in the right, completely justified since she has loved him since they broke up 20 years ago. She has told me I was just a placeholder until she was available again. He has told me numerous times that is not the case, but of course she has worked that idea in and it is hard to kill.

He refuses to see the manipulations she is doing, which everyone else sees ... even people who don't actually know us can see that she has been chipping away at him for over 3 years and was just biding her time until she could nail him. If I was a more superstitious person, I'd swear that he was under a spell. My church, my MiL's church and by BiL's family keep praying for him, us, our family ... but it is so hard.

I have been attempting to 180. I have been moderately successful when actually around him and speaking to him, and I have stopped pussyfooting around, calling his BS as it happens. But when alone, and even right after, I just cry and can't get over what is happening. He seems to be getting quite a wake up call in the way I am treating him now. He seems surprised that I am now all business when talking to him. All kids and bills we share. When we are spending time with our oldest daughter together, I am friendlier, but not welcoming ... if that makes sense.

The part I feel retarded for? If he NC'd the Black Magic 'Gina and truly tried to start rectifying the damage he has been doing, I would take him back. People keep telling me that even thinking that way is foolish, but even though he is being a jerk, I still love him.

How can I still love him in spite of the active pain he is causing me and my children? How can I be angry but still be willing to forgive and work on the marriage?

I feel dumb.

kiki1 posted 7/15/2013 14:26 PM

I'm so sorry Lisafish. Your feelings are very normal. you didnt have the knowledge that your marriage had ended like your wh did. he had time to adjust, you didnt. I understand. All of us here do. I love your tag line , your a fighter. Keep sticking to that 180, it sounds as if its working for you. its to help you detach. what you need to do right now. I dont mean to discourage you, only give you my experience. It takes them some time to come out of their "affair fog". Hold on tight, take care of yourself!!

LisaReg posted 7/15/2013 15:14 PM

I'm a fellow Lisa and I'm a Pisces so also a fish of sorts....I also dealt with an h having an A with his college girlfriend from 20 years ago. I too relish the thought of hitting her and him in the face with a shovel. See how much we have in common?

At this point keep up the 180. Have you seen an attorney? Does not mean you have to D but it shows you are no door mat. Hit him where he lives and show him you will survive. There is no room for 3 in a marriage. If he wants a girlfriend he does not need a wife. Attorney info might wake his ass up. You cant nice him back. Time to get tough my fellow Lisa. You can do this. Post here often. Feel free to PM me anytime.

(((lisafish)))

lisafish posted 7/15/2013 15:27 PM

I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I haven't told him about it, mainly at the urging of his parents.

I have been joking that not only am I getting all our friends in the divorce, but his family as well. His parents are pushing me to take him to court. His father looked me in the eye and said, "He has hurt and devastated all of us with this BS, but the only one who can take him to court is you. I am counting on you to make him pay for your pain, the damage to the girls and the complete disappointment of me and his mom."

I feel like me going to the attorney means I want the divorce, which at my core, I don't. I want him to get his head out of his ass and come home to me and our children. But his parents are pushing me to do this hoping it will make him wake up and fix all this. I am just afraid that he will take it as me saying that I give up and don't want our marriage anymore.

I don't know what to do, even if I am doing it anyway.

Lisa, my 'fish' came from online gaming. I had a really hard name to pronounce (Kishefmakher) andfriends started calling me K-fish. After that, all my characters had 'fish' in the name ... Later, I was a non-IT person working on an IT desk and I made a sign that said, "I am a lonely fish trying to live with birds"

The 'fish' thing just keeps working for me :)

LisaReg posted 7/15/2013 15:58 PM

I know it seems counter productive to see an attorney when D is the last thing you want. However, if he does not come around you could end up in a bad position. You are truly blessed to have such strong support from his family. They are giving you good advice. Your wh is getting to live the single life right now while still
having a wife who I suspect handles everything at home and with kids. Screw that. Time for a wake up call. There is always hope that he will come around. If he doesn't at least you will be prepared.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 3:58 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/15/2013 20:34 PM

I am going through something very similar, lisafish and it sounds normal to me.

This, to me, is key:

you didnt have the knowledge that your marriage had ended like your wh did

They've known what they've been up too much longer than we have. They have a head start. And, when it comes to something like an A that takes *time* to process and understand... that gap is huge and confusing and the most painful thing you will ever experience.

I'm only a few weeks into this and going through every emotion in the book. I initiated 180/NC and having to force myself to "get over him" and soberly face the situation has been agony. I've said elsewhere that my mental monologue throughout the day is "OMG. I can't do this" but I keep moving forward, too (as you are with seeing a lawyer).

Sometimes I do think about it like a race. If DDay was the start signal, he was at least a mile ahead of me. Every day that goes by and I maintain NC, find a new job, get my own place, close down another account, etc etc... I catch up a little bit.

It's going to be hell, no doubt. But keep reaching out to your friends and family. Keep coming back here. There are some seasoned vets who will really help you. Again, I'm only a few weeks in and I already think I'm doing much better than I would have been if I tried to make sense of all of this alone.

Good luck ((hugs))

Skan posted 7/15/2013 22:06 PM

Lisafish, take a look at this http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167. It's called, if you love them, divorce them. There's a lot of truth there. You cannot nice them back, you cannot allow there to be three in a marriage, so essentially you let them know, with no uncertainty, that if they refuse to commit to your marriage, then you will not allow them to place you as an option, a plan b, a bystander in your marriage. No ifs, ands, or buts, if they won't commit to you, then you divorce them. Please take a long, deep look and think. And continue to 180 him kids and finances only. (((hugs)))