Now my wife gets triggered any time she sees the model of car driven by my AP, and she has taken to thumping me on the upper arm to let me know this has triggered her, because previously when she would mention it to me, she tells me I ignored her.
This needs to stop. Physically "thumping" someone is not an acceptable way to communicate.
You posted you are conflict avoidant. There isn't a whole lot of detail in your posts so just going on what I've read. I know that CA can create huge issues in a relationship, however, if a majority of interactions other than the bicentennial moment updates about schedules and kids are worthy of a suplex one would tend to deflect and avoid engaging.
You posted that it's over 2 years past dday and divorce is mentioned frequently along with the thumping. Doesn't sound like a safe environment for anyone.
Boundaries are important for healing WS's. I think it's appropriate to state, "I understand your uncertainty about our marriage. If you feel divorce is your only option I respect that. It needs to not be a threat or weapon in our communications."
Answer questions without being defensive. If the conversation escalates or starts resembling a match, table it until calmer heads prevail.
Accept this may be a dealbreaker for her and she doesn't want to or have the tools to pull the cord. Doesn't mean your sentence is life long. Tolerating disrespect from another doesn't help either party. Yeah, the affairs were the ultimate disrespect. No need to finance payouts with more.
Kids pick up so many things from seeing this on a regular basis.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth