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Handling the trigger?

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knightsbff posted 7/15/2013 16:12 PM

BH is at work and obviously triggered by something there because I just receive the following text:

"I hate women they are all ------- they will screw anything"

I had a hard time figuring out how to respond. He has no one but me to talk to about triggers etc because he does not want to out the A to anyone. And he doesn't unload on me often at all. This sort of text is very rare.

It's a little scary for me because I can't be like a guy friend and say, "yep dude all women are ------'s". Can I? I was a (whatever) when I had the A, lied, gas lighted, blame shifted, etc. but I'm working very hard to be my best self. But I don't even think he was talking about me in his text. I think he's just upset and venting a little. He needs understanding.

I'm really not as accomplished as many of you on here in expressing myself. So I thought really hard and replied, "I'm sorry your day is sucking."

I think I could have done better. I hate texting stuff like that.

Please let's don't talk about this like it's abusive. You would not believe how well he treats me or how kindly he normally speaks to me.

It's a relief for me when he will share his pain even if it's hard to hear sometimes.

I'm looking for how could I have handled this better. Or how I can still handle it better...

PS---he's not going to be happy I shared this on SI but we are anonymous.....

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:15 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

JustDesserts posted 7/15/2013 16:33 PM

You acknowledged his expressed sentiments with your reply. I wouldn't worry too much about how well you crafted your words or beat yourself up that you should have done better. They were sincere. Compare that to the words you uttered during your affair. If you're anything like me, sincerity had nothing to do with the drivel and selfish sounds I uttered at my spouse.

And though you've asked for no comments about his choice of words, they do add up, taken at face value, to a pretty ugly sounding sweeping condemnation and generalization of the fairer sex. While you say he's treating you kindly and well, could perhaps those words uttered at the entire female population be considered to INCLUDE you? Perhaps what he won't say directly he is saying indirectly. Does he have reason to be angry at every other woman on the planet...or does he have a particular reason to be angry at you?

Don't want to read too much into something that might be just blowing off steam, but then again...seems like some raw and intense feelings might be in play here. Worth perhaps asking him directly, seeing how you've shared here. imho.

EmotionalFool posted 7/15/2013 16:36 PM

Why wudnt u just ask what bothered him? To me it looks like u din even want to hear his story. U just assumed that it was a trigger. May it was but y not give him a chance to say that?

knightsbff posted 7/15/2013 16:39 PM

I suspect he is having to deal with an infidelity situation with someone he's taking care of at work. These situations are really tough for him post dday. He doesn't hate all women and he doesn't believe they all have loose morals. He's just angry and hurting.

knightsbff posted 7/15/2013 16:40 PM

Why wudnt u just ask what bothered him?

He won't have time to explain it right now. I will definitely ask when he comes home.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:44 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

EmotionalFool posted 7/15/2013 16:42 PM

Dont suspect. Ask him

knightsbff posted 7/15/2013 17:20 PM

While you say he's treating you kindly and well, could perhaps those words uttered at the entire female population be considered to INCLUDE you?

Yes, they include me...something has triggered him. He's probably thinking all sorts of uncharitable things about me right now because I had an A and now he's dealing with the fallout. But what he said could have just as easily been, "I'm dealing with a nasty situation here at work. I'm having a hard time with it, I'm hurting, and I'm angry." That's how I choose to read it. Am I crazy or delusional?

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:22 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

MystiKay posted 7/15/2013 23:45 PM

BS here. Why not take the focus off what he said and focus more on what he is feeling? We all know he doesn't really mean that. When I say men suck, i don't mean all men and most of the time I don't mean my husband. I am just hurtting. If it is in a text. Why not just typed back. "I am sorry something has upset you so much. Call me when you can and we can talk. I love you." ? Covers all the bases. You know he is hurt, you are open to him talking about it and telling him once again you love him?

knightsbff posted 7/16/2013 00:23 AM

"I am sorry something has upset you so much. Call me when you can and we can talk. I love you."
That would have been better.

Some of the staff were joking about one of the nurses who he HAD a lot of respect for. They informed BH today that she had been cheating on her husband while he was deployed and while she was pregnant. He is feeling that no one on earth is faithful.

Just expressing anger and frustration.

womaninflux posted 7/16/2013 01:02 AM

this is where those communication skills you are supposed to be working on together come into play.

"Help me to understand what you are feeling right now." This would be an appropriate response.

knightsbff posted 7/16/2013 01:53 AM

You're right. That too would have been better.

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