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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: Handling the trigger?
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH is at work and obviously triggered by something there because I just receive the following text:

"I hate women they are all ------- they will screw anything"

I had a hard time figuring out how to respond. He has no one but me to talk to about triggers etc because he does not want to out the A to anyone. And he doesn't unload on me often at all. This sort of text is very rare.

It's a little scary for me because I can't be like a guy friend and say, "yep dude all women are ------'s". Can I? I was a (whatever) when I had the A, lied, gas lighted, blame shifted, etc. but I'm working very hard to be my best self. But I don't even think he was talking about me in his text. I think he's just upset and venting a little. He needs understanding.

I'm really not as accomplished as many of you on here in expressing myself. So I thought really hard and replied, "I'm sorry your day is sucking."

I think I could have done better. I hate texting stuff like that.

Please let's don't talk about this like it's abusive. You would not believe how well he treats me or how kindly he normally speaks to me.

It's a relief for me when he will share his pain even if it's hard to hear sometimes.

I'm looking for how could I have handled this better. Or how I can still handle it better...

PS---he's not going to be happy I shared this on SI but we are anonymous.....

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:15 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You acknowledged his expressed sentiments with your reply. I wouldn't worry too much about how well you crafted your words or beat yourself up that you should have done better. They were sincere. Compare that to the words you uttered during your affair. If you're anything like me, sincerity had nothing to do with the drivel and selfish sounds I uttered at my spouse.

And though you've asked for no comments about his choice of words, they do add up, taken at face value, to a pretty ugly sounding sweeping condemnation and generalization of the fairer sex. While you say he's treating you kindly and well, could perhaps those words uttered at the entire female population be considered to INCLUDE you? Perhaps what he won't say directly he is saying indirectly. Does he have reason to be angry at every other woman on the planet...or does he have a particular reason to be angry at you?

Don't want to read too much into something that might be just blowing off steam, but then again...seems like some raw and intense feelings might be in play here. Worth perhaps asking him directly, seeing how you've shared here. imho.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
EmotionalFool
♀ 37362
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why wudnt u just ask what bothered him? To me it looks like u din even want to hear his story. U just assumed that it was a trigger. May it was but y not give him a chance to say that?


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect he is having to deal with an infidelity situation with someone he's taking care of at work. These situations are really tough for him post dday. He doesn't hate all women and he doesn't believe they all have loose morals. He's just angry and hurting.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why wudnt u just ask what bothered him?

He won't have time to explain it right now. I will definitely ask when he comes home.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:44 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EmotionalFool
♀ 37362
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont suspect. Ask him


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While you say he's treating you kindly and well, could perhaps those words uttered at the entire female population be considered to INCLUDE you?

Yes, they include me...something has triggered him. He's probably thinking all sorts of uncharitable things about me right now because I had an A and now he's dealing with the fallout. But what he said could have just as easily been, "I'm dealing with a nasty situation here at work. I'm having a hard time with it, I'm hurting, and I'm angry." That's how I choose to read it. Am I crazy or delusional?

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:22 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
MystiKay
♀ 36401
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Why not take the focus off what he said and focus more on what he is feeling? We all know he doesn't really mean that. When I say men suck, i don't mean all men and most of the time I don't mean my husband. I am just hurtting. If it is in a text. Why not just typed back. "I am sorry something has upset you so much. Call me when you can and we can talk. I love you." ? Covers all the bases. You know he is hurt, you are open to him talking about it and telling him once again you love him?

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am sorry something has upset you so much. Call me when you can and we can talk. I love you."
That would have been better.

Some of the staff were joking about one of the nurses who he HAD a lot of respect for. They informed BH today that she had been cheating on her husband while he was deployed and while she was pregnant. He is feeling that no one on earth is faithful.

Just expressing anger and frustration.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is where those communication skills you are supposed to be working on together come into play.

"Help me to understand what you are feeling right now." This would be an appropriate response.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. That too would have been better.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 11

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