D-Day, June 10, 2012
This isn’t even about infidelity, really, as I am nearly sure Husband isn’t involved emotionally or physically with another woman.
Last night I asked to see his phone as I have felt something has been off for a number of weeks. And indeed, the log showed that he had exchanged some messages with a co-worker who is, for lack of a better term, a desperate soul seeking validation. I have been very vocal about how I feel about his work friendship with her and how I dislike that they are FB friends.
Thing is he fucking lied. Said he had no idea why the log would say that, as there were no messages on his phone. AYFKM? Eventually he admitted to deleting the messages
Which of the two is true? (Hint: "then proceeded to change all of his passwords to everything and lock his phone because I “violated his privacy by looking.”)
He got angry.
He changed all of his PW.
I would seriously watch his every move and yes, if he refuses to give you access to those PWs I would tell him to leave.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I’m confident that there isn’t anything.
Gently, if he does not see this, then you're at square one.
I'm really sorry.
He has boundary issues and I see there was a dday years ago?
He no longer is able to have opposite sex friends unless they are friends of the M in my opinion.
The fact that he is not being transparent is a huge no no.
If he is unwilling to give PW, and what not would be grounds for me to kick his ass out.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me twice, now what?!?!
Oh, and passwords? I have them all and so should you. As someone before me said, "privacy is for the bathroom."
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Work-related - my ass.
Take care of yourself.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Even if its not an affair yet, something about this isn't adding up.
Trust your gut. The first time he even mentioned her, I got nervous for the first time in 10 years. Never had a problem with him having a female friend before. But with this one, something was different.
Your instincts are good.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:15 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
While I'm sure they had very valid reasons to speak about work, it was obviously too friendly. She was not a friend of the marriage, and he was lying about it. I hadn't checked anything in a very long time, but something in my gut was screaming that things were off, and I was sure she was involved, sadly I found it was the case. Would it have eventually turned into something more if I hadn't put a stop to it? I don't know, but it still wasn't good. And he didn't/doesn't seem to get why it brought us right back to day one, 4.5 years later.
Sorry you're going through this, both our husbands are truly asshats for sure! A truly remorseful spouse doesn't do this because they have learned boundaries, they do not need to have female friends more than they need to make sure you feel safe. Period. Following that train of thought, there's never anything to lie about, nothing to delete and nothing to hide!
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman
Of course he will deny a co-worker affair till the cows come home, especially if he thinks his and OW's jobs are at stake. He might do anything to keep it a secret.. That's good you've been keeping tabs on the down low.. Perhaps he has a "secret" email, FB, phone?
I think his disrespect and mantrums and changing the passwords are reasons enough to kick him to the curb for now, but maybe you want to investigate the home computer and his phone more thoroughly to make an informed decision.. His attitude sounds like an active, unremorseful wayward to me..
If he wants to choose his "friends of the opposite sex" over his marriage, that's his choice. He should know the rules and boundaries by now without having to be told or reminded, and you shouldn't have to defend that decision. He needs to protect the marriage with boundaries if he wants to keep it..
Big hugs to you..
I have been very clear that transparency and openness are a requirement. One false move and I am done.
I am so sorry...
You don't have to put up with anything. But WH has to have correct boundaries. Maybe he should review "Not Just Friends"?
I get that this is going to be more of an uphill battle (again). He's a KISA and I am co-dependant.
Point is he lied and then got angry at me because he “can’t have friends of the opposite sex,” and that I need to “learn to fucking trust him.” I told him he needs to earn that. To which, and here’s where my heartbreaks, he screamed at me, then proceeded to change all of his passwords to everything and lock his phone because I “violated his privacy by looking.”
So sorry. This sounds heartbreakingly familiar. Stick to your guns. Don't let him bullshit you and make you think you're the bad guy. ((HUGS))
If your M is a battle, then one partner isn't pulling his/her weight.
[This message edited by Broken613 at 4:52 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
If she doesn't come off of his Facebook tonight, though, I will be moving on down to D/S.