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10 Months and Still Triggering

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Trusttrusttrust posted 7/15/2013 17:12 PM

We have been in R since D-day. It has been a long year. We were released from marriage counseling and I am still in IC. He left for a business trip today and called when he got there. He told me last night, after I had gone to bed, he was pulling rings in our driveway. I immediately triggered. I know he used to call HER after I went to bed and did this on our driveway. I can not believe after all we have gone thru that the affair is still going on. I plan to tell him what I have been feeling. We just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. OR I can start snooping again... Any thoughts?

KBeguile posted 7/15/2013 21:08 PM

What, if anything, has he been doing to try and demonstrate that the A isn't still ongoing? If he was callous enough to do something he should have known would trigger you even more, then I question his dedication to R.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 21:10 PM

Speaking from someone who also entered MC immediately following my discovery of the affair...that was a waste of 2-3 months of energy and money. My wifes A went from EA to PA during this time...while we were in counseling.

Hindsight...we should have both entered IC.

My wife was still connected to her AP. Then the fog entered and she went through withdrawals. While these things were happening we were definitely NOT in R. I was ignorant then...I thought the fact that we were not divorcing meant we were R. of my favorite members on this site...speaks of a time between DD and before R...kind of a leveling off of the work site before the foundation that sustains R can be laid.

We did this without knowing it.

I was surprised to hear you have been released from MC. We are still meeting triggers are less...but still very much there. I have learned how to see them coming better....and can handle them better...but they are still there.

I still snoop....though don't think that is the right word for it. My wife knows I have access to her accounts.

But, truthfully, anyone can set up a yahoo email account within minutes and easily conceal another affair. So what does the checking up really do?

We are on the verge of really moving on the R path...but it has been a long road getting here.

If I read your post correctly, your husbands actions on the driveway are similar to that which he was doing during the affair. That is just not right or should be accepted. WS role is to change that which is broken so as not to repeat history or add insult to injury to the BS.

If he has to talk on the phone after you go to bed (which is what I think he is doing) why cant he go to the back yard rather then the driveway where he fed his desire to cheat? Better yet, why doesn't he just give that up all together. If it is work related or about he wake you up and you can sit and listen to him work?

Lots of opportunities for WS to use actions to display they are ready and willing to do what it takes to fix themselves for both their sake and the sake of you and your marriage.

God be with us all.

Trusttrusttrust posted 7/17/2013 08:18 AM

Thanks so much for your replies. My husband has come thru once again with very sweet emails cause he is on travel. Of course, I feel he is not telling me the truth cause it will probably upset me. This is so hard.

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