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DoneWithLove posted 7/15/2013 17:30 PM

FWH reads alot of posts that he can relate to but will not post anything about how he feels. I told him that I would only read the ones that hes comfortable with me reading but him not postings has me wondering why hes scared. I get that he doesn't want to mess up but c'mon, im not holding back. And right now I rule the roost but dont be coward about it, just dont be a dumb ass and really try to filter everything accordingly. Honestly, what's worse: letting me think your being resistant and or secretive... Or saying what's really on your mind and then answering any questions I might have? I feel like this should be obvious to him.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 5:32 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 7/15/2013 17:56 PM

And right now I rule the roost but dont be coward about it, just dont be a dumb ass and really try to filter everything accordingly

That doesn't sound very inviting if I were him

solus sto posted 7/15/2013 18:01 PM

Does he say he's afraid, or are you assuming that?

Perhaps it's a way of exerting control when he feels he lacks it. Perhaps he is gaining a lot from reading, at this point, and is digesting what he reads before posting.

As hard as it is (and truly, I do understand that it is), I'd step back a bit, and see what happens. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to let nature take its course. If he's in it to R, he will show you. But it may take a different form, or follow a different timetable, than you currently expect.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/15/2013 18:04 PM

Is he doing other things that your are requesting? e.g. transparency, honesty, IC...things of that nature? Is one of your requirements that he post here?

I ask because I basically forced my FWW to post here, and she really really didn't want to...mostly because she was unremorseful at the time, but also because she just doesn't like posting on forums.

Soo, her posts were meet with a lot of 2x4's. 2x4's that she was not receptive of. And then the whole damn thing spiraled out of control. It was a lot of not-so-excellent drama in here.

She still reads posts, but hasn't posted herself in months. And you know what...as long as she is doing the other stuff, I am totally fine with that.

Just saying, it isn't always the best idea to have a wayward post. Especially if this is your safe place.

Of course, many many couples both post on this site, and that works out fantastic for them.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 6:04 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

sportsfan posted 7/15/2013 18:11 PM

SI is not for everyone and certainly not an uncommon reaction for a WS whose BS is a recent member. Try to be patient in terms of him engaging this site, it might help in the end.

Nothing is obvious to either BS or WS although we might think it should be.

Hang in there...

DoneWithLove posted 7/15/2013 19:05 PM

I know I sound bitchy but I let him read whatever he wants, I dont keep anything hidden, I don't care. He thinks I will be overly critical about his posts but ive told him I will stay away from his posts. That should be the other way around. Hes doing everything else he needs to be doing so why is this so hard for him. I don't even bother checking his phone because I know if it were me and I wasnt trying to fix anything, I would be deleting everything as soon as I could. I know how I think so I don't put anything past him. I don't trust him and hes given me every reason not to. I will try to play nice but in the end everything should be about my needs and wants till im content.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 7:07 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Unagie posted 7/15/2013 19:06 PM

Speaking as a wayward I was terrified of posting at first (no longer my issue...) and lurked for awhile. I found this site and SO refuses to even read here. Wayward can be intimidating at first and we swing some hard 2x4's sometimes. Maybe he is absorbing and trying to figure out some of his own issues before he posts.

Deeply Scared posted 7/15/2013 19:14 PM

DWL...

You're right, you shouldn't trust him, he's given you no reason to trust him...that comes with time and you watching his actions.

However, if you want him to start posting here, then you both need to establish some boundaries. How are you going to react to his posts?

If coming at him with anger and belittling (not saying you'll do that, just letting you know how it would make him probably feel) I highly doubt he'll be open to posting more. It takes a lot of open communication between you two to have rules with both being here.

it's not easy and it's not for everyone, so talk to eachother...figure out what will work best for you both

Clarrissa posted 7/15/2013 20:06 PM

One rule that seems to work with both WS and BS posting here is you stay completely away from each others posts/threads. You don't read his, he doesn't read yours. Keep your usernames to yourself.

As others have said, he may be afraid of how you'll react to his posts and that will inhibit him from really opening up and takimg full advantage of the support he'll get here. Or, he just may not like posting to *any* forum.

We've had many a long time lurker here and almost to a one, they've said they learned loads just reading before screwing up the courage to post. If he's reading, that's a good thing. He's getting an idea of how this works and getting advice even if it's not specifically aimed at him.

Give him time and he may decide to start posting on his own.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 20:23 PM

My wife is close to joining this site...partly in wanting to respond and stick up for herself as a reaction to some of my posts. She views posts here some...not sure of the frequency, but it is more often then I thought she was reading here. She, too, has shown some apprehension to posting on this site....think that is pretty typical of a WS.

I am fine either way. I know it is helping me. I sometimes really wish I had a local support group...but then think the bonding risk of such a group would be too high...am very grateful for the anonymous setting of this site.

I am comfortable with her reading my posts. She has agreed that almost all of the time what I post she has already heard. When she has a negative reaction it is usually to the responses my posts have generated from other SI members.

While it can be a bit uncomfortable having her read my posts and the subsequent thoughts that they trigger...I am okay with this interaction....it is real...it is open. I try to filter so as not to rant and rave. This is out of respect for her but also it helps me process strong negative feelings....I sincerely do not want to become a negative, jaded person. I was so happy and cheerful pre-A. I want to get back to that person...for my wife, but more importantly for me.

Certainly my perception of the situations I speak of differ from hers...but this does not make them lies. In fact, it provides a format to work through a process and reshape our perceptions to align better.

We are far from mastering this....but are getting slightly better each time we process.

None of this is easy. SI is a good tool to have in our tool boxes.

I hope she joins. I could see the benefit of keeping each others nicknames secret...but any sort of secret between us right now is a flag....so we are going into this with full sun shining down on us.

I don't know if this is the right way...just think it stands a better chance of getting us to a real understanding of each other and our situation.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:28 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

DoneWithLove posted 7/15/2013 22:39 PM

Idk what to think. Is it fear? Is it secrecy? Idk. Why is he afraid if he has nothing to hide, if hes being faithfull then being honest shouldn't be so frightening. Lying has always been my pet peeve, if he cant be honest then he doesnt haven't a place in my life. Him not wanting to post, whether I read it or not, says one thing to me, hes got something to hide. Im better just off not trusting him until he proves to me I should.

Elpis posted 7/16/2013 01:51 AM

If you WS is reading SI, you are doing better than me at 1 1/2 years of R.

Reading is a plus. Posting is beyond expectations for my WH.

cancuncrushed posted 7/16/2013 14:34 PM

because theres always more. emotionally or physically.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/16/2013 14:56 PM

Him not wanting to post, whether I read it or not, says one thing to me, hes got something to hide.

On the one hand, only you know your gut and your WH and whether or not this is true. But my FWH has done basically everything "right" since D-day, but he was never, will never and wouldn't even think about posting here! He knows I"m here, he knows it's a great place for me to have support, but honestly, internet forums are not his thing. He's not great at writing, especially his feelings. Our MC had him write me a letter and it was seriously one of the hardest things he's ever done, not because the emotions weren't there, but written language isn't his strong suit.

I get that you don't trust him right now. I get that you're looking for all the signs that he's doing everything to make this "better", and if he's doing everything else- is this a hill worth dying on?

DoneWithLove posted 7/16/2013 17:34 PM

Yeah hes doing everything else that he should be doing but I cant get past how long ive waited and what it took for him to see how valuable I am to him... If he even really sees that. He never cared before and he made it a point to let me know so this 180° personality change is out of our element. Hes not a good liar or at least he didn't used to be, so idk.