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Newest Member: AdriftSailor (46058)

User Topic: What do I do?
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS says that the one thing she wants from me, I can't give her (fidelity, 7 years back, husband that won't cheat, etc.). In that case - and since she doesn't know or can't give me any other suggestions because she herself is either in too much pain or can't process it right now - what can I do to be proactive?

I know that she has been under additional stressors today that don't normally impede.

Any and all advice welcomed. While this feels as though it's part of what is currently "normal," I hate to make any kind of assumption, especially when it comes to her pain and suffering.

Thanks.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I'm 10 1/2 months out from the first dday.
She's at the place where I am a lot. What she wants is what I also want most and what Finally10 is never, ever able to give me. I can't "unknow" and he can't undo his betrayal. I've become fixated on that.
Everything else, WH can improve on, make up to me...except the act. It's torture to us both at this point.

I don't have a resolution, but hopefully someone will come along and offer one. I suspect it will involve introspection and time (hating the time thing myself).

I just wanted to assure you that this not uncommon for a BS to desire above all else. I tell Finally10 that the best he will ever be is he the guy who cheated in me before. Unfair--- that's not the best he will ever be. He will do the work, the course correction, and become the guy who made the worst unilateral decision ever and but will never do it again.
My pain doesn't aways allow me me say that but I'm saying it tonight, right now.
There's hope that with hard work, no TT, honest introspection, great love and devotion, being the spouse you want to be/need to be (common desire here, I imagine) that you will overcome the taint of the "husband who cheated" and be just "husband" once again.
Also, as a BS, I am in an amount of pain that is beyond my ability to cope with and even I am not able to say what would help me. I try various ideas- none help for long- most not at all. (Both WH and I are flying blind here and are out of our depth. IC is helping him, and I will start IC soon, followed quickly by CC.)

I think you hit it when you said your BS is unable to process it right now. Processing for me goes in fits and starts. Not linear at all.

I wish you both healing.
Sorry so wordy tonight- it's been a weird few days.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No apologies, SVSN. That was heartfelt, and I appreciate your insights into the matter.

I like your idea of working from "husband who cheated" to just "husband." I hope that's part of the forgiveness that we remorseful WSes seek.

Consciously and logically, I know that this is processing and that it comes and goes and that it's not linear. Consciously and logically. That doesn't help, though, when the emotions run high and one or both of us are at our wit's ends.

She hates the time thing, too, SVSN ... you're definitely not alone.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 3

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