Warning: this is going to seem a bit out there-- but it's an issue that has been bothering me since DDay and I wonder if anyone else has experienced something similar...
So I'm 2+mos into NC with my WS. By month 1 my fog had cleared enough to realize that R was next to impossible. By month 2, I was able to face some of the "red flags" in our 10+ year relationship, even though I thought I was blissfully happy. I got into IC. I found a new job. I put money down on a new place. I'm still crying myself to sleep every night and my internal monologue throughout the day is "Omg, I can't do this"... but I am doing it, I'm moving forward each day and maintaining NC.
Through IC, I'm discovering that I was a bit of an emotional rug-sweeper. I'm pretty self-sufficient emotionally and so never really put him on the spot. I didn't want to be his babysitter or to nag him. I wanted to have a true partner that I knew was in it with me. If we needed to work something out, I was ready to talk about anything... but I also didn't like to have to have drawn out "emotional" conversations for no reason. I'm not sure if I was entirely avoidant, or if I just prioritized other things (e.g., my career). I'm still working on that. But, at the very least, I'm seeing now that a lot went unresolved. And there were signs over the years that he was *definitely* an avoidant or PD person (rarely finishing important tasks and that sort of thing)-- but I didn't fully explore them with him as a potential character flaw because, at a certain point, I would feel like he was adult and he could sink or swim on his own and face the consequences.
But, that said, I always promised to be there for him if he succeeded or failed... I just didn't consider it my job, for instance, to have to tell him over and over he had to meet his work deadlines instead of spending hours at the gym. At a certain point, it's his life. But I think I should have considered it a warning sign when he kept going to the gym anyway and got in trouble at work. At that point, it was clear he didn't respect me enough to listen to what I was saying and he made selfish decisions that affected our collective future. But he's a really intelligent guy, so he almost always "got out of" whatever he got himself into... so it got easy to forget about stuff like that.
Similarly, I didn't tell him that he couldn't have a friend who was a female coworker. I trusted him. But when she asked him, shortly after they met, to help her move out of her place because she was leaving her husband-- I told him I didn't want him to get involved. He told me he had to because she had no one else. I cried. He did what he wanted to anyway and helped her. Guess who became the OW 4 months later.
The funny thing is, with this last example, for the first time in 10 years when it came to other women, I felt something was off. My gut kicked in. Something wasn't right about this one. But he had never given me a reason to worry about him in that department before. He always had sort of a KISA complex, and they only just met, so nothing else could be up. She wasn't that attractive, anyway. Her life is a mess. She has children and he doesn't even want children. I rationalized it away.
Since DDay my friends and family have been very gentle with me... but they have started to remind me of a few things that suggest my gut knew something was wrong with him/us way before any of this A stuff happened. I'm starting to wonder now: did I rationalize/gaslight myself in this relationship and should you always trust your gut?
Here's what I keep thinking about:
It took him 5 months to convince me to go on a date with him. We were becoming good friends and he wanted more, but I can still remember the second time I hung out with him thinking to myself "he seems really, really great... but something is off with this guy... don't get involved with him." Did I listen? No. Eventually he told me we had to date or he couldn't be my friend anymore. Respect boundaries much? I was young (early 20s) and dumb and said "fine, we'll go on a date and you'll see we're better as friends." Fast forward 10 years later and here I am.
TMI: I was allergic to his sperm. Even my body said no way immediately!
It took me 6 years after he proposed for me to begin to plan the wedding. 6 years. I was in noooo rush. Even as I was planning it, close friends have reminded me that I would occasionally say to them that I felt like, if I went through with it, that I wasn't being true to myself somehow. I thought it was because I felt like I was being "transferred" from my father to him in some ways (primarily financial) and, as a feminist, I resisted that. But maybe my gut was saying something more.
I knew I never wanted to have children with him. I don't know why, I just knew. I didn't even know if I wanted children for sure. I just knew I didn't want his.
DDay happened and I immediately told my parents and best friend. They came over and I was sitting in my room, staring off into space and stunned. My mother came in with a cup of tea to tell me how sorry she was. The first thing out of my mouth? "For some weird reason, deep down, I'm not that upset." Okay, since then I've been on a daily train of despair and emotional agony... but I can remember having this initial sense of "I'm free."
I initiated 180 within 72 hours of DDay #1. Never broke it. I initiated NC immediately after DDay #2. Still haven't broken it and have no intention of doing so. I miss him like crazy, but I don't feel like I need to talk to him. People keep telling me that shows how strong I am. I think it's a sign something is really, really f-ed up with me or with this situation. I should at least want to scream at him or defend myself against his blame shifting. Something.
I could go on... but I guess what I'm venting here is I don't know how to separate the crippling emotional agony I'm in (I really, truly did love him more than I've loved anyone else in my life and I'm devastated) from all of these signs along the way. Were my instincts good all along? If so, how do I make sense of that?
I know the reason I stayed with him was because I thought he was a good man. Strong, ethical, smart, loving and kind. He was my best friend. I thought I was so lucky to find him. In 10 years he hardly said a harsh word to me. We were clearly in love. We were that pain in the ass couple still holding hands on a walk. Still texting love notes daily. He woke me up in the morning by kissing me all over my face; we snuggled to sleep every night. No one around us can even believe he was capable of an A and, of course, I never saw it coming either.
But my gut. It told me to run. Not to get involved. Not to marry him. Rationalization be damned.
And, in the end, he may have seemed ethical, but he was capable of lies and deceit. He may have seemed kind, but the way he raged at me after DDay was insane.
Maybe I'm just rationalizing even now to make myself feel a little better... but I definitely did have these hesitations from the beginning. Again, it doesn't mean I didn't love him or still love him. I just think it's weird it looks like we're going to end now in the way that my gut told me we would on the second "date" (i.e. in a ball of flames that would ruin my life).
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:05 PM, July 15th (Monday)]