I have felt confused, sad, hurt and terrified all at the same time today. I don't know what to do.
(just a little of my story, the PA with him occurred in 2003 when my DS was born. I forgave...we moved on. While I cannot confirm that he has cheated physically since that time, I have definitely seen texts to women, where he called one "sexy". That was his name for her. He expressed that he wished to see her, but could not bec he was with DS, when in fact he was with ME. This happened only a few months ago. He was arrested last year and now has a felony on his record. This caused him to loose yet another job (2 in another state and 4 in the present state that we are in). I am tired of carrying him. The day that he was arrested, I got into an argument with one of his female friends, who called his phone as I picked up my then 9 year old DS from a police officer on the side of the road as he watched his father get arrested. I am tired of secrets. I have tired of 1/2 truths. I am grieving terribly over this. I feel responsible for him, but know that I shouldn't.
Even now, there is no tranparency in our relationship. I don't want to repair it. I have given it my all over all of these years and I need some peace. BUT even in separating, I am so afraid that I still won't find, peace, happiness and be burden free. Is this normal?
I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being taken advantage of by H and others. I live in a city now where I have no family. I am here for work and this is a career, not a job. Therefore leaving isn't an option. My M was supposed to last, but there are never any consequences for his actions when it comes to me. I have anxiety attacks because of this mess. His actions are starting to affect my physical body in many ways. I just can't do it anymore...
[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 7:55 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
Your fears are normal, but don't let them control your life, you will find the peace and happiness you are seeking.
It will take time to sort through it all though. One step at a time. It will be okay! I dare say - It will even be better!
Am I codependent? Is this what this is?
I am usually the "negative nelly", but in your post I find myself feeling more "pollyanna-ish"...You sound like a very level-headed, responsible person who just loves deeply.
You also said you have a career and not just a job. That is priceless. Although, I know when you're feeling the way you're feeling (anxiety-ridden) and are going through big life changes, it can affect your work as well. But look at this as a HUGE positive for you. You have a CAREER. There are many out there who need to start a new life with no job and no skills.
You have a great DS.
YOU are not responsible for your H. HE is an adult just as much as you are, and he needs to get his shit together.
I know I'm just kind of rambling here and I'm sorry - your post just spoke to me and I wanted to tell you that you are strong and you can do this - and with less burder of you having to clean up after your H, your life will just get less and less stressful until you find yourself enjoying it despite it being different than before.
You are forging a new and healthy life for yourself and your child, and in the process you are teaching your child valuable lessons on what behaviors we should and should not accept from a partner. For that I applaud you.
Your mixed emotions and concerns about your ex are signs not of codependency, but of a kind and loving person that cares deeply about others...even those that have hurt you.
I sense strength and great resolve in your words. I know you will be fine. As for your ex, he will have to find his way on his own. You can no longer sacrifice your own well being for him. If you get sick, who will care for your child? Keep that in mind when you feel weak.
Stay strong sweetie.
Peace, PPGA
