Hey there ReallySad. First, I think the name you've chosen to use fits pretty much all of us! That's how I feel a great deal of the time - just sad. The anger comes and goes. The horror, disbelief, revulsion, etc. But that sadness is pretty damn persistent.
I'm about seven months out and my wife, like your husband, is doing all the right things (outside of the cheating, that is!). We kinda joke - even though joking is pretty limited these days - that if there were an example of how to do this right, we would be it. She's totally open, extremely remorseful, loving, supporting, basically everything anyone would want in a relationship. I know you've probably read that some marriages can come out stronger after getting through this. I truly believe that to be the case with us. But first - we gotta get through this. Some days I think it will never get better - I will never feel better. But we have found some things that help. Maybe some can work for you. What I do know, is that getting through this trauma takes work - and a great deal of it - on both parts. If you feel/believe your husband is 100% committed to helping you heal and rebuilding your relationship, then it can work. But don't accept anything less. He has to be in it the whole way, not just you.
So here's what we've done -
1. Talk. All the time. Communicate. If you have to, schedule it into your day so it doesn't get set aside while you do everything else that needs to be done. Make it the priority. Not communicating your needs and feelings and emotions only hurts your relationship. Don't hold anything back - it's all important. If your husband wants to help you, he will listen, and respond, even to the "icky" stuff.
2. Live in the "now." This one is hard for me, but I just tell myself, "The past is not what is happening now. Live in the present." Tough to do, but helps. I know it very often feels like the past is still the truth, but it's not. The hurt, betrayal, all that still exists, but hopefully the deception is over and you have to live in the now.
3. Read. Research. Educate yourself. It's not enough to try and just let it get better on it's own. It won't. There are a million sites on the internet for help, this forum being one of them. But one of the best things my wife and I have done is get some books and read them together. You have to get to the "why" of the affair or you can't fully heal. More on that in a sec. With the books, what we do is I read first - like a chapter at a time or so - and underline what I think is important. I also write notes in the margins. Then she reads and does the same. Then we compare and discuss. I know it sounds formal, but it really works. It gives our conversation guidelines. The two best books we've found are:
"Not Just Friends, Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity," by Shirley Glass.
and
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Complete Manual for the Unfaithful," by Linda MacDonald.
Both are very good. The second one is not an easy read for your spouse (damn - too bad, huh?) But this method has done us so much good.
4. Counseling, of course. This is a major trauma and we all need help during a trauma.
5. Journaling helps some - at least for me.
6. Finally - talking and discussing and really being honest about what needs to be fixed. NEVER take responsibility for the cheating. That was his choice and his alone. It was the worst possible thing he could've done to you, but he still chose to do it. He has to make up for that one. Like the commitment I talked about before, if he doesn't take 100% responsibility for his affair, then things are going to be tough. But outside of that - talk about your relationship. Why did this happen? What was wrong in your relationship that helped foster this? I'm not saying at all that you take all the blame, but something wasn't working and a relationship is always about both of you. In my case, we've talked for hours about what we both contributed to the disfunction of our relationship. I'm happy to say, that recognizing the flaws, talking about them, and working on fixing them has transformed our marriage. I have never felt closer to my wife (mixed in with all the crappy feelings!). We both went to both MC and IC and discovered things about ourselves that have truly made us better people.
But again - this is for the relationship. The affair - that's his and he has a lot of making up to do! My wife, one day, said, "I am so sorry. I've hurt you so much. Please give me a lifetime to make it up to you." I said I would, and the reality is, it will probably take most of that lifetime. It gets better day by day, though at times I know I go backwards. But it gets better.
I know this is very long - but one last thing. I want to repeat what I said about your husband being in this 100%. I feel so sad when I read some of these posts and there are these hurting people trying to rebuild a relationship with a spouse who doesn't really give it their whole effort. I wonder why they'd even try to reconcile with someone who treats them with such disrespect. I understand love, more now than ever, but love can only do so much. So again, you can heal and rebuild and have a better, stronger marriage, but only if both of you are totally "in."
I hope some of this helps. Crazy thing is, writing this has helped me. Makes me realize how far we've come. We are determined to be one of "success" stories. One of the couples that make it through infidelity and come out stronger. We are BOTH committed to that. I believe that with my whole heart, and you know how tender trust is at this point!!!
Hang in there. Be strong. And talk - to him, and to those of us who really, really understand what is happening inside of you!!!!!