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If he's obsessing over her...

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lamplighter posted 7/15/2013 21:51 PM

So I'm not really sure if my husband's emotional affair is indeed "put on hold" or not. I do know that based on his browsing history he is looking at her messages 3-4 times a day. When I check them, there are no new ones. She sent the last one. That said, he could easily just be deleting the new ones. I also found a document with a letter that seemed like a response to the last message she sent him. Obviously it was all apologetic to her, saying he wasn't being fair to her, reiterating how drawn to her he was, and sort of dismissing me . The fact it was a document makes me unsure that he actually sent anything. I think it's possible he is sticking to his word to not contact her and channeling his obsession into a word document, like a letter he plans to send later.

As it stands we are separating at the end of the month and do not have plans for reconciliation. That said, I put my two options on the table last night : 1) we work on reconciling while living apart for a while which would include total permanent NC with OW, or 2) we NC completely except about our child, and that needs to remain business-like.

I got the sense that he was definitely torn as neither option appealed to him too much. He has expressed some hope over the last few days about a future for us, and he has also admitted that not talking to her has opened him up a little to reconnecting with me.

So my question is, do I confront him with what the browsing history and document suggest? There is no proof he is still contacting her and I don't think I could prove it. But if he's just obsessing about her day in and out, should I confront him about that? Make him delete all those messages?

Really I guess I know I should take reconciliation off the table . I had given him two days to think about it, tonight being day one, with expectation for communication tonight about where he is at with things so far. Right now he's out with friends. He really is taking strides toward me so it's very very hard to initiate the NC that I know I need to initiate, in order to stop spiraling and obsessing over him and his feelings for her.

I don't know. Any insight for me tonight?

isadora posted 7/15/2013 22:04 PM

I know going NC seems counter productive. But he has to maintain NC, mental and physical or else reconciliation won't work.

Know you are worth more than he is capable of giving

myperfectlife posted 7/15/2013 22:29 PM

I am not far out from DDay but I wish I would have found this forum from day 1. I would have done NC with him (aside from child issues) and maybe things would have gone better all around.
I hope your roller coaster doesn't have as many loops as mine did.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/16/2013 10:07 AM

NC is mental too, so yes, I personally would confront him about checking her messages etc.

Is he doing any sort of IC?

confused615 posted 7/16/2013 10:17 AM

You say you are separating at the end of the month,and have no plans to reconcile. He has never said he would give up the OW. You're finding lurrve letters to her that he has written since he said he would put her "on hold." He waffles a little when you put your foot down,but just enough to make you doubt your decisions.

He is eating cake.

You need to go NC with this man. Treat him like an annoying room mate...steer clear of him except for finances and your child. Don't initiate any small talk. Avoid him. And stop looking at his browser history. He has given you no reason to think he will stay and work on the marriage. Looking at his history will only hurt you.

There is a saying around must be willing to lose the marriage if you want to save it.

HARD 180. NC. File. He doesn't like it? Then he needs to pull his head out of his ass NOW. You are his wife. You do not share your husband. Husband's don't get to have girlfriends "on hold." Find your bitch boots,strap them on,and kick his ass. As long as you allow him to eat cake,he will eat cake.

Jospehine85 posted 7/16/2013 10:21 AM

Could your WH be employing the "Petraus" method where you write an email, leave in your draft folder and the other person logs in to your email and reads it? Alternatively could he be writing documents to her and she is logging in to his computer and reading them?

Meanwhile, confront. Absolutely, no bones about it. Confront. Tell him that is completely unacceptable to you. Tell him he goes 100% NC now or he can pack his bags and get out.

lamplighter posted 7/16/2013 12:40 PM

It is so painful to give up on our marriage when a part of me sees little bits of him waking up here and there, and then going back to sleep.

I can't comprehend choosing to give up on our marriage without really trying, now that the issues are out on the table, communication is now open, he's expressed what has bothered him. While at first he was just acting like it was too late for me to do any changing, he'd simply hit a limit and didn't feel that love anymore, he has admitted in the days since not talking to OW that he has started to reconnect to me during moments now. He has even said he still "has feelings for me" although he later kinda took that statement back by saying he "cared" about me. He is physically attracted to me. He says he loves me very much as a person. He has said he knows all the reasons he fell in love with me are still there. He has said he's fascinated by the possibility of reconciling while living separately.

And yet, he just doesn't really want to try, but he doesn't want to say so. It's so painful because when I feel even a glimmer of hope, the love for him and desire to work things out lights up wild and bright inside me. Despite everything I know I have the capacity for forgiveness, except that he doesn't even want to be forgiven.

He really cares more about her than about me. And he really has been the most loving, adoring person up until her.

If I could leave a little part of me in waiting for him, I feel I would, but of course that is impossible. And in order to move forward with life and to be happy while he maybe comes further out of the fog and maybe realizes he regrets his choices, I need to emotionally distance myself enough that I don't care anymore, period. And I know that means it's over for good. I am not the type of person who can disengage so drastically and force myself to stop feeling for someone and then turn it on again later. I know that when I finally 180 and NC it will be forever, and it feels fucking tragic.

It feels absolutely tragic that I know there is no hopelessness except for his lack of inner-strength and willpower to make the brave choices he needs to make to overcome his mental fog and his disillusionment.

I know I'm attractive, funny, intelligent, loving, resilient, self-aware, talented, interesting. I know that by the end of the summer I'm going to be in the best shape of my life and creating music and art that he would be drawn to. I know, because I know why he fell in love with me, and I know I'm only going to be a better, healthier, wiser, even better-looking version of that person after he lets me go. And by then it will be too late.

I feel angry that he won't accept the gifts I've offered him - the chance to work on things with me at all after what he's done. He truly, truly seems to believe that this happened because of me, because I didn't try hard enough for the relationship until it was too late.

Just so, so sad. But on the road toward the 180. Last night he asked me to just wait until we talked once more in counseling on Wednesday. So Wednesday will be the day I let him go for good. Until then I will prepare myself to handle it as unemotionally as humanly possible when inevitably all this time he tries to buy for himself is proven to be a waste.

ninebark posted 7/16/2013 12:47 PM

Trying to R with just one person invested is a exercise in futility. Its like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a holey bucket.

Unless he is committed to R, and give himself to the process completely it will be doomed to fail.

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