It is so painful to give up on our marriage when a part of me sees little bits of him waking up here and there, and then going back to sleep.
I can't comprehend choosing to give up on our marriage without really trying, now that the issues are out on the table, communication is now open, he's expressed what has bothered him. While at first he was just acting like it was too late for me to do any changing, he'd simply hit a limit and didn't feel that love anymore, he has admitted in the days since not talking to OW that he has started to reconnect to me during moments now. He has even said he still "has feelings for me" although he later kinda took that statement back by saying he "cared" about me. He is physically attracted to me. He says he loves me very much as a person. He has said he knows all the reasons he fell in love with me are still there. He has said he's fascinated by the possibility of reconciling while living separately.
And yet, he just doesn't really want to try, but he doesn't want to say so. It's so painful because when I feel even a glimmer of hope, the love for him and desire to work things out lights up wild and bright inside me. Despite everything I know I have the capacity for forgiveness, except that he doesn't even want to be forgiven.
He really cares more about her than about me. And he really has been the most loving, adoring person up until her.
If I could leave a little part of me in waiting for him, I feel I would, but of course that is impossible. And in order to move forward with life and to be happy while he maybe comes further out of the fog and maybe realizes he regrets his choices, I need to emotionally distance myself enough that I don't care anymore, period. And I know that means it's over for good. I am not the type of person who can disengage so drastically and force myself to stop feeling for someone and then turn it on again later. I know that when I finally 180 and NC it will be forever, and it feels fucking tragic.
It feels absolutely tragic that I know there is no hopelessness except for his lack of inner-strength and willpower to make the brave choices he needs to make to overcome his mental fog and his disillusionment.
I know I'm attractive, funny, intelligent, loving, resilient, self-aware, talented, interesting. I know that by the end of the summer I'm going to be in the best shape of my life and creating music and art that he would be drawn to. I know, because I know why he fell in love with me, and I know I'm only going to be a better, healthier, wiser, even better-looking version of that person after he lets me go. And by then it will be too late.
I feel angry that he won't accept the gifts I've offered him - the chance to work on things with me at all after what he's done. He truly, truly seems to believe that this happened because of me, because I didn't try hard enough for the relationship until it was too late.
Just so, so sad. But on the road toward the 180. Last night he asked me to just wait until we talked once more in counseling on Wednesday. So Wednesday will be the day I let him go for good. Until then I will prepare myself to handle it as unemotionally as humanly possible when inevitably all this time he tries to buy for himself is proven to be a waste.