"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/15/2013 22:10 PM

someone recently posted about how they hate facebook. A lot of ppl like it but I am in the hater crowd.

I think in general its a no wonder that so many ppl don't know where to draw the line in boundaries. With something like facebook or twitter...you get to talk to women whenever you want. Its no longer taboo to talk to facebook women anytime of night. See, when I grew up if you made a phone call to anyone after 9 o'clock pm it was seen as rude. It would have been improper for a husband to talk about anything even silly topics after 9pm with another married woman when he was married and his wife was in the room etc... But now, no one cares.

My husband gave me all his passwords. So I log into his facebook. Its weird to log on when he is on at the same time in another location. I can sede what he is typing as he is typing it. Not sure if I move the page back if he can tell I am on at the same time though? He's talking to another woman. its just weird. Its almost 11pm and its now socially acceptable for a married man to talk about silly topics with another man's wife.

So this is where I have boundary issues. This just screams not right to me but so many ppl see nothing wrong with it.

just my thoughts tonight

TrulySad posted 7/15/2013 23:11 PM

It's so wrong and I completely agree with you. What he's doing would make me very uncomfortable. Honestly Facebook is a social network. If he's been unfaithful, he shouldn't be having any social interaction with other women right now. And Facebook, I've seen it lead to cheating in more ways than one. Have you asked him to cancel the account? Is there really a good reason for him to have it at this point?

Dare2Trust posted 7/16/2013 03:04 AM

ionlytalkedtoher,

I've read your profile and postings:
Your WH has a LONG, LONG TIME history of internet chatting, and inappropriate affairs based on Facebook and other type contact with women.

So, my questions to you are:
---WHY do you tolerate him having access to a COMPUTER and any type of SOCIAL NETWORK SITES?

---WHAT is your WH doing to FIX this MESS he's made with his ongoing adulterous affair?

---Does your WH recongnize this destruction and damage he's doing to you with his ongoing infidelity behaviors?

Personally --after reading all your posts; I feel great compassion for you - and the fact that you feel STUCK in this marriage, because you're a SAHM with 6 children and feel you have no way to escape.

You are correct: It is not "right" that your WH is chatting it up with other women, while you are home taking care of his 6 children.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/16/2013 06:49 AM

well because right now I am still deciding what to do. I need to think still what a good plan would be for us to move forward. Last weekend I found out about the phone records. I didn't think they would be that extensive because I am a trusting person and I never doubted him.

He never contacted his OW through facebook. Although she has a blank profile to just look at his stuff which is now blocked per me. It was all emails and phones with his OW. Besides the main OW there were multiple online chat room ppl. They aren't facebookers either.

I am still trying to figure out where to draw lines and boundaries. I don't want to be an overlord but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

He needs his computer for work.

I would love to say smash the computer with a hammer but that would never happen. If I said that then there would be no reconcilliation. I want to draw up something that is fair not just me making irrational rules. I am having a hard time figuring out what is fair to both of us.

If i told him to delete facebook that would never happen. I could see him limiting it maybe. But for sure I need the password which I have already.

He isn't here with me right now. For the past 10 days we had a bit of a break.

But I totally feel something like facebook is childish and needless. It is a social network of course designed for meeting up with people. I don't think he feels the same though. I think if he had to chose between facebook or me he probably would chose facebook. Sadly.

frankiebaby posted 7/16/2013 07:01 AM

I totally understand where you're coming from-- I use my Facebook to keep in contact with people, but almost NEVER to chat, and after reading my husband's nocturnal activities in all their glory on Facebook, it disgusts me too. It gives him licence to peruse and pursue in ways that he would never get away with "in real life."

Facebook can be childish and needy, but then again he's a childish, sneaky, sophomoric and needy person, so it fits his needs perfectly.

confused615 posted 7/16/2013 08:46 AM

Why are you allowing him to tell you what he won't do? Better question,why are you putting up with it?

he has quite the history of cheating. The OW may not have been found on facebook..that doesn't mean he isn't looking for his next OW on facebook..and from what you said,he is. It is NOT acceptable for a married man..especially a wayward married man...to be chatting it up with a woman on facebook..at ANY time of the day of night.

You need to tell him your requirements for R..and stand firm. As long as you let him drive this R bus,you will find yourself with another dday.

Tell him NO more friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Unless YOU feel they are friends of the marriage.

And no more facebook. He doesn't like it? Too bad.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:47 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 7/16/2013 10:55 AM

Until your WH reacts basically the same way that the husband on Fireproof reacted, then he will always return to his behavior be it chat rooms, emails, etc. etc.

For those that don't know the movie, the H in the movie has a porn problem and it takes a good half of the movie for him to see how his porn was helping destroy his marriage. Once he realized it, and realized that as long as the temptation of the computer was there that he would succumb to it, he took the computer and monitor out to the trash and beat them with a baseball bat.

I'm not saying WS's need to go to that extreme, but they could react similarly. For example, my H searched for most of his hookups on Craigslist, and he also emailed with many people, had a fake myspace account, secret email, all that good jazz. So on DDay, he closed his fake email accounts, and to this day he refuses to go on Craigslist without me sitting right next to him looking for innocent things together. He will tell me "I want to look for a lawnmower on (insert name of innocent web search tool here so he doesn't even say Craigslist), do you have a minute to help?" We'll then look through the site together, by HIS own request, not mine.

So until your WH sees the destruction he's causing, until he truly gets it and wants to change, he's going to keep using these tools to get the attention and ego stroke he's looking for no matter what site he's using.

There's nothing wrong with the tool, it's the inappropriate way that some people use it that is the problem.

Amazonia posted 7/16/2013 12:17 PM

Its almost 11pm and its now socially acceptable for a married man to talk about silly topics with another man's wife.

No, actually, it's not socially acceptable. Just because something is easily accessible doesn't mean it's acceptable. Rat poison is easily accessible, but that doesn't make it socially acceptable to bake it into a meatloaf.

If your husband is chatting with a woman at 11pm about inappropriate things, that's because he has a boundary problem, not because facebook exists.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:18 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/16/2013 13:08 PM

well they weren't chatting about anything inappropriate just stupid stuff about their day. But you would be surprised about how many married women that he knows through work or wherever that are all eager to talk to a man at night. I have no idea what is with all their relationships. I guess their husbands don't talk to them? I guess their husbands don't care.

I definately think my husband has an addiction to facebook in general. I asked him multiple times over the course of a few years to delete the whole account. But he refuses. Yes, he probably honestly would prefer choosing facebook over me. I look at what he posts and its all politics and religion mostly. Then he meets ppl that share his beliefs and they come up to him and stroke his ego that he is knowledgeable in these fields. I think he sees it as some sort of mission to educate ppl. I don't agree with a lot of his opinions so we just don't talk about these topics together so he seeks out others to talk about his "hobbies". No one really argues with him either they just think he is so great and smart.

if it really was just talking about his politics that he "needs" I have told him in the past that I wouldn't mind if it was an hour or so a day when i didn't need him to be with the kids...but no I do not think its right that he talks with women in the wee hours. I think its too easy for the other women to sit there and think he's great and have thoughst that ohhh wow this guy and I have so much in common and blah blah blah.

so you think i should say no facebook women period? What about all the women he does have as friends now? Delete them? what? Or just plain no facebook at all?

Like I said I don't think he will go for none at all.

solus sto posted 7/16/2013 13:13 PM

He never contacted his OW through facebook.

Gently, this is not true. You observed as he chatted with "another man's wife."

With his history and poor boundaries, I'd say he's working on acquiring yet another OW.

Really, there's NO moving forward with a remorseless WS who's continuing with cheating behaviors.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/16/2013 13:26 PM

i am not being clear I guess...the one OW that there was an emotional affair with was his ex girlfriend from 1995-7. We met in 1997 and married. he didn't speak to her until she contacted him via email in 2010. then he has a cyber chat issue in addition with random nameless women--not facebook ones.

the facebook ppl he befriends are separate but I do feel they have the potential to become emotional affairs in the future because they are so in awe of his knowledge. That they just "LOVVVEEE" him. He has never talked sexual to them. But, friendly---but at this point...i don't want him to be "friendly" with any female since he broke our trust with the OW and the cyber chatting. married or not.

Amazonia posted 7/16/2013 13:53 PM

i don't want him to be "friendly" with any female since he broke our trust with the OW and the cyber chatting. married or not.

Well, then there's your boundary. I don't think "friendly" is limited to "cyber" chatting, personally.

ETA: If he gets off facebook, what's to stop him from meeting women via yahoo chat, or forums, or bookstores, or coffee shops, or work, or church? The issue is whether or not he is capable of keeping appropriate boundaries, not where he's meeting them.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:54 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Dare2Trust posted 7/17/2013 01:35 AM

ionlytalkedtoher,

You posted:

He isn't here with me right now. For the past 10 days we had a bit of a break.
So - your husband is "away" and you're home with 7 children; and you're reading your WH's Face Book posts to Other Women???
Something is terribly "off" here...don't you think"

You also posted:

But I totally feel something like facebook is childish and needless. It is a social network of course designed for meeting up with people.

I have a Face Book account; and I probably log on daily..and I ASSURE YOU - I've never used Face Book or any other social network for "meeting up with people." I don't cheat, and I've never intend to cheat.
So, that's not a true statement.
HOOKING UP WITH PEOPLE FOR AFFAIRS is not the purpose of FaceBook.

IF you hope to have a successful marriage with a man who does not engage in adulterous affairs -- Your husband must STOP his ongoing activities; and he must be willing to set his own boundaries that don't include inappropriate realationships with Other Women.

Only you can decide when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
You already have 7 children...I'd think the last think you need is a GROWN UP MAN acting like a "misbehaving child."

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 1:37 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]