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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: H is currently away...triggering bad right now
RedRaven6500
♀ 39626
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH is out of the country right now, job related, and is currently establishing himself overseas, yet again. I am supposed to follow in a few weeks. This is the first time he has been on his own, without me or the kids since DDay, and I have been freaking out. I have been trying to keep myself on an even keel, but everyday he is overseas, alone, the more anxious I feel. I also feel that because it has been almost two years since DDay, that he has become complacent and relaxed with his boundaries. Not that I have/had any proof until today.

I have been noticing that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring when we are on FaceTime together (it has happened three times now). The first time I noticed it, I didn't say anything, but thought about it all night. I had also noticed him not wearing his ring the day I took him to the airport, so I then mentioned it to him before we caught his flight and the look he gave me said, "well, where is YOUR ring?" as he looked at my hand. Now he knows damn well why I don't wear mine! I haven't worn the ring he gave me on Valentine's Day 2008 because it was a lie when he gave it to me. He was currently cheating on me with several women at the time and had had two previous "serious" LTPA's between 2004 and 2008. That RING he gave me was a lie. It was for whomever struck his fancy at the time, and it just happened to be me because we were leaving the states for his job and he wasn't going to be able to see his women anymore, or so he thought. What a shame to let it go to waste, so I might as well have it!

I will never again wear a wedding ring from him until he buys me something and gives it to me because he is willing to honor his vows from that day forward. It could cost $10.00 and turn my finger green, for all I would care, but I would never take it off if I knew it was a promise that he would never break. Well, it has been almost two years and it still hasn't happened, so I know that he is either still unsure of me and our marriage, or he is still playing the field, and will drop me when something better comes along. Our kids are now in college, so no more staying together for the kids.

Today was also the first day in several months where I felt the need to check his password to his email and FaceBook account, and yep, they were both changed! I am so F*cking mad right now. This is the kind of sh*t that sets me back in our R. How can I trust when he is starting to go back to old behaviors?

[This message edited by blking at 10:24 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

Personally - I'd get to the very bottom of what's going on with the "not wearing his ring" and why the passwords have been changed BEFORE I FOLLOWED HIM OVERSEAS!

There's no way I'd follow my husband - if I could verify he was back in affair mode. My next move would be hiring a divorce attorney, and kicking his butt to the curb, and moving on with MY LIFE.

How many more D-Days do you plan to give this man?
Only you can decide when "enough is enough!"

Again, I'm really sorry. You deserve so much better than this.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blking.... gently....

This is the kind of sh*t that sets me back in our R.

These aren't setbacks. These are betrayals in motion. I'm really sorry, but there's only one reason he's not wearing his ring and has changed his passwords, and it's not a good one.

(((((blking)))))))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:06 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, you asked him why he wasn't wearing his ring, but he didn't tell you, did he? He threw it all back on you to keep you from looking at him and his actions.

If your support system is where you live, please don't move. If you do have to move, then make it a move to where your support system is.

I'm not sure your WH is ever going to be trustworthy...

To me, it is kinda like talking to an alcoholic who supposedly quit drinking. You say to them, why are you holding that beer in your hand? and they say, "Well, you had a beer in your hand last week"... They try to throw the whole issue back in our face so that we never get the answer to our question that is an OBVIOUSLY good question!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:12 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Jan 2012
RedRaven6500
♀ 39626
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear what you are all saying to me, and I am grateful. It helps to hear my fears are valid. I also know what it probably really means, and that I'm going to have to dig for truth, then follow through and leave him if he did indeed cheat and blow away his second chance with me. That was a deal-breaker for me. You get a second chance because I believe everyone deserves one, but if you throw it away, you won't get another one with me, ever.

Sometimes, I think he says and does things like that just to shock me or to get back at me for the way I might be feeling that day, something I said or when I trigger. It is hard. I have noticed as well, that because of the move, we haven't been communicating as well as we normally have, and that isn't all his fault. I have been moody, distant and quiet during this new faze as well. I'm not excusing his behavior, just telling the truth.

Unfortunately, I can't back out of the move. Everything has been shipped, job interviews are in the works, and the kids are in college and the house here in the states is gone. But, I do have options: being in a new environment, pursuing a new job and using his opportunity of living overseas as my opportunity as well are positive things to me, and I thrive on personal change when it is for the better.

I just thought we were beyond this type of shit. Not wearing my ring is not a game to me, there is no winning or losing either way you look at it, I don't wear it because the ring he gave me is meaningless, yet I feel that is what he is trying to do, play a game by changing passwords and not wear his ring to prove whatever childish point he is trying to make.

Well, at least if this is a huge red flag, I am actually aware of it this time and can prepare myself, unlike DDay in 2011 that completely knocked me down and out. I look back on the timeline of 2004-2011 and look for those signs that MUST have been there but I was too snowed to see it or in major denial. But I swear, he had the double life down to a science, I had no idea of what he had been doing. His several OW had no idea either (except one, but she didn't care that he was still married because she is/was a psycho!). There weren't any bills, he had a secret phone, email and FB and he kept all of it hidden. It was a fluke that I found his email account open back then, and the only reason it was open was because of the computer not closing/shutting down the way it was supposed to. The whole thing just blows my mind. And now I'm just a paranoid mess trying to make sure I don't get fooled again.

Well, I guess if I get there and the ring is still off and the accounts under password, I'll know what he is really doing, then move out and move on. smh


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW... I'm not sure what to think or say. I'll just wish you good luck; because I believe this situation is beyond "red flags" --

It appears you're in Denial, and would rather Rug-Sweep - than confront your WH about ongoing issues that strongly indicate he's cheating.

GOOD LUCK.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 6

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