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New to the forums and need some advice

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sikhari posted 7/15/2013 23:25 PM

I know I have a long story, but it would help if you read it before you reply. I think that's how that works.

Basically, after about a year of him not trying to be supportive or there for me emotionally or physically, (even while I was pregnant with his child) my boyfriend has finally come around and is starting to act like Super Boyfriend. He's been putting himself out there quite admirably.

My problem is that I feel like it took way too long for him to come around and part of me thinks that he's only holding onto me now because he fell in love with our son and doesn't want to lose him.

I also just feel very bitter. Sometimes, it's easy to forgive him, and yet other times I hate his guts. I'm not quite sure what to do.

I'm convinced he is my soul mate, and I still feel heart-broken when I consider leaving him. I'm also worried about how it might effect our son.

Yet, we sleep on the bed he cheated on me on. He uses the laptop he used to cheat on me with. We drive around in the car he had sex with his ex in. We live in the town where his ex lives.

There are so many things that remind me of what he's done to us and I find myself randomly reminding him of what he did, as though some part of me wants to make sure he doesn't forget.

How have you all learned to stop being bitter? Or is it even possible?

By the way, he was my first love. I didn't bother dating in high school because I've never before felt a connection. I was 20 when I met him, 23 when we started dating, and I'm 24 now. He's three days older than me and has had quite a few "loves".

unfound posted 7/16/2013 09:16 AM

welcome to si sikhari

I read your profile... I know how hard that must have been to write out, Im so sorry..

it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is remorseful. he may be being "super boyfriend" right now, but as long as his past actions aren't being addressed and resolved, you probably won't ever feel safe in the relationship.

he has horrible boundaries with other women. he's not doing the hard work (and it IS hard) to regain your trust and figure out why he allowed himself to cross those lines with not only his ex, but those other girls and the porn issue.

you can't MAKE him do anything. you CAN take care of yourself. I know you love him. that's what makes all of this so sucky for anyone dealing with infidelity. but don't let your love for him overshadow your love for yourself.

it doesn't sound like any of his past behaviors have been dealt with other than you letting him know how you feel. what has he done, not said, DONE to show you he's changing, that he's humbled that you're willing to stay with him, that he WANTS to be a better person, boyfriend, father?

at the very least, please find a good ic to help you through this. someone who can not just help you with the bitterness you feel (perfectly justifiable considering the circumstances) but to help you find your strength to believe that you are worthy of love...real healthy love, and that you'll have the tools, no matter what happens, to be okay.

ladies_first posted 7/16/2013 14:12 PM

sikhari, welcome to SI.

Regarding advice, what's your question(s)?

Have you read the Healing Library here? It's accessible in the yellow box, upper left of your screen -- and it covers all of the frequently asked questions.

sikhari posted 7/16/2013 15:35 PM

I would really love to get myself an IC, but I'm not insured and barely scraping by financially. I'm not sure that I'll be able to get one.

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