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Phoenix1 posted 7/16/2013 00:47 AM

Haven't cried for over two months. POS texted and said he was sending someone tomorrow to pick up the trailer with his stuff. Then sends another text: "Tell the children I love them. Have a good life and thanks for all the good times." Those two sentences have sent me into emotional meltdown and I can't stop crying (even as I am typing this). After he told me last week he has no intention of ever coming back to this state, this just makes my heart ache for the finality and his willingness to ditch his kids so easily. This just breaks my heart. Why? Why was our M not worth fighting for? I don't understand and probably never will, but I can't stop crying...

tabitha95 posted 7/16/2013 02:53 AM

He's telling the children to have a good life? I'm so sorry!

Jrazz posted 7/16/2013 03:23 AM

Tell the children I love them. Have a good life and thanks for all the good times

I'm trying to think of anything to say besides "what a fucking bastard."

Nope... that's all I got for him.

Please don't think that you or the kids aren't worth fighting for. You are worth everything in the world to someone of value.

My heart aches for you and the kids as well, but they will be better people not having him around to drag them into his sociopathy. I know it's a small consolation when your heart is in pieces on the floor. I'm so very sorry.

(((((((((Phoenix1))))))))))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 7/16/2013 05:22 AM

This hasn't happened because you or your M are not of value or because he doesn't value you or your M.

It has happened because he doesn't value himself. Kind of ironic given how selfish these POS's are but selfishness and self-value are completely different things.

*I* would love it if the sad clown fell off the face of the earth. I also know my heart would break into a million pieces for my children.

The day of the final house exchange the sad clown sent me some sentimental bullshit text asking if I was sad leaving that house. He then went on to say he was sad because he had some 'fantastic times' in that house.

All I could think of is all the pain and misery I went through during his supposed 'fantastic times'. I'm certain he brought his whores into my home - I found random hairs on my couch and in my vacuum cleaner head more times than I care to remember.

Someone here said this to me during that painful time "Lean into the pain when it gets bad". I visualised just that in those early months.

Has he formally given up custody? If not I would ensure you get it in writing so he doesn't swan in and out of their lives anytime he likes. THAT would be worse than an absent father.

I'm so very sorry Phoenix. Your kids deserve so much better than he ever gave them. They deserve so much better than he will give them in the future. You do too.

You will get through this. One day you will see his lack of remorse as a gift. I know it is hard to believe now - I didn't believe it when it was said to me.

But, its true. It is absolutely true. The kindest thing he ever did to me was having zero genuine remorse.

It doesn't mean it is not still agonising for a time. I promise you won't feel this way forever.

((Phoenix))

tesla posted 7/16/2013 11:40 AM

What a cold-hearted fucking asshole. FTG.

((((phoenix))))

FaithFool posted 7/16/2013 11:49 AM

Wow. What an asshole.

dmari posted 7/16/2013 12:20 PM

How are you doing this morning Phoenix1? I am so sorry you are hurting.

"Tell the children I love them. Have a good life and thanks for all the good times." He can tell them himself. That is not your job anymore.

Please please don't interpret his actions as an indicator of the value of your M, you, and your children. Nope. Nope. Nope. His actions indicate that he is a sorry POS. Your M was absolutely worth fighting for.

As much as this hurts right now, it does lessen over time. My stbx walked out on the kids and I and never looked back. I was absolutely devastated for myself and my children. That "man" that walked out ... I don't even know who he is. Seriously. I think that made it easier for me to focus my energy on myself and kids.

I know your kids are older (I think?) but this is going to have a HUGE impact on them. Continue to be there for them when they start to feel that they were not good enough.

Be gentle with yourself today. Process all the feelings that come out. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs!!

Rainbows posted 7/16/2013 12:26 PM

I'm so sorry, your post made sad. Sending you lots of hugs.

I really believe this is true:

One day you will see his lack of remorse as a gift. I know it is hard to believe now - I didn't believe it when it was said to me.

My therapist said I shouldn't try to understand STBX's choices and behavior. Because to truly understand someone's actions, you have to engage in the same behavior.

Seeing it that way helped me stop spending as much time worrying about him. It's given me the freedom to redirect that energy and focus on my own healing.

Abbondad posted 7/16/2013 12:33 PM

What a pointlessly nasty thing to say. Intended purely to hurt out of malice.

If ever you doubt your decision, remember actions like this. I do the same.

I'm sorry.

nowiknow23 posted 7/16/2013 12:59 PM

Phoenix - You, your kids, and your M ARE worth fighting for. He isn't up to the challenge, however. That's on HIM ALONE - not you, not your kids. Just him.

((((((((phoenix))))))))) Sending you so much strength and comfort. Be gentle with yourself, honey.

Housefulloflove posted 7/16/2013 20:06 PM

As others have said, your family is absolutely worth fighting for. But it would take a MAN to stand up and fight for his family. It takes a MAN to recognize and admit that he failed and to make amends.

He is not a man. He is a cowardly little boy in a man's body. Someone like that can't fight. They slink away and hide from their mistakes like the snakes that they are.

(((Phoenix))) Hugs to you and your children. You all will get through this together!

Phoenix1 posted 7/17/2013 18:35 PM

Thanks for the support everyone. It has been a sad few days. Yesterday someone (unknown people) came and picked up the trailer with his stuff so all his personal stuff is now officially gone from the property. I didn't know any of these people and when I asked POS what he wanted me to do with the trailer locks key he said to put it in a sealed envelope and leave it by the trailer. In a sad, sick way I think it would be very humorous if these were less than trustworthy people and ended up stealing items from the trailer! We snapped a bunch of pics of the trailer, the contents, and the rather dubious looking person holding the envelope with the key...just in case... but it is not my problem any longer.

And in just over two weeks I get to have the long conversation with my DS who just returned from Afghanistan (I will be seeing him in person). He will hear the whole sordid story for the first time. He still doesn't even know his father is gone...

Lastly, mailed him the dissolution paperwork yesterday. He said he would sign whatever I sent. I put in for full physical and legal custody of DD, which made her happy when I told her. If he signs and returns quickly this could potentially be signed off by the judge within 30 days of my official filing. He is basically walking away with his personal possessions, a few other items he asked for, and half the debt. It is so nice to know the kids and I are so easy to dismiss from his life!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 6:35 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

caregiver9000 posted 7/17/2013 18:44 PM

(((hugs)))

Some people lack coping skills. Some people lack stamina. Some people lack courage. Some people lack a soul.

I think your ex hit the jackpot. I am sorry, Phoenix, but I can guarantee it is not you or your kids.

Give the son from Afghanistan an extra hug from me and tell him I said "thank you" for his service.