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The little voice saying "lies!" in my head every time WS speaks

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CatchyUsername posted 7/16/2013 06:19 AM

My WS has been amazing. Full access, MC/IC, etc. We are 10 weeks since DDay. He is so expressive with his remorse. When I am having a bad moment he just tears up and starts apologizing. He is saying all the stuff you would think I would want to hear him say - and I believe he is sincere - but I still want to scream "liar!" at him. I had a rough night last night tapping into my anger about the fact that the sex was unprotected even though he knew she was having sex with other men. I went to bed and told him to sleep on the couch. After I calmed down I told him that I wasn't sure that I could every move past the hurt/pain, but that I appreciated that he was trying.

Thoughts? I consider us to be actively working on R...

painpaingoaway posted 7/16/2013 06:46 AM

Infidelity is a HUGE trauma that takes a great deal of time to process. And as we say here, 2 - 5 yrs is the norm.

At 10 weeks out, your R is in its infancy. The rage comes and goes in waves as we process each and every detail of the horror of it all.

Be kind to yourself, but as your H is trying to do the right things, try also to be kind to him.

I think you handled it well by expressing to him how you were feeling, and by thanking him for trying.

Some are never able to move past the pain, and the rage that we feel at trying to cope with something we had always sworn we would never tolerate. That adds an extra burden to our already painful predicament.

For some it simply is a dealbreaker, but I encourage you to give it more time before deciding.


struggling3 posted 7/16/2013 06:56 AM

I can feel your pain through your words. I can tell you the same advice I got from so many wise people on this site. Give yourself some time before you make any major decisions. I was in a TOTAL fog and blur for many months. No sleep...eating like crap...many stomach issues..extreme anxiety and hours and hours of hysterical crying. It does get better. It helps if your WS is doing all the right things. I hope that continues as I believe it is a major key in how well you can reconcile. Some people cannot get past this but many, many do and successfully. Take care of yourself every day and consider getting some IC and MC. It helped me tremendously as did this site. It makes you feel like you are not going crazy when you realize we are all basically wired the same way and go through very similar emotions and ups and downs. Best of luck to you.

wert posted 7/16/2013 07:14 AM

I am glad he is being remorseful. I am very glad you feel his support.

My two cent is that you think "liar" because is he is one. It's been 10 weeks. I don't know how long you had been M'd prior to the A, but it take a while to earn trust. After a while that trust we become to depend on. When it is violated regardless of how remorseful or sorry someone is they are not to be trusted for a while at a minimum. I think it not only normal, but very rational. He really needs to prove for while that he is worthy of your trust.

On the other hand there is you. Often it is said here, there are 3 healing's after an A. WS, BS and M. All separate. While the A was about your WS, your recovery IMO is about you. You walk that journey alone, in your head. Why do you want to stay with someone who cheats? What is in it for you? What do you want your life to look like in that context. For me resolving those types of questions my the 'liar' voice go away. I got comfortable with that is who she was, that she was working to fix herself and was telling me about it and that I was developing the life I wanted still regardless of her.

take care...

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 08:18 AM

This is normal.
I can remember thinking, I am not sure I will ever believe him, or trust him again, and I sooo very much wanted to.
I can become a cycle too. I found that if I focused on who he was being that day, that moment, the past few days, etc I would see he wasn't the same lieing J'off he had been through the A. That he was doing the right things now. That he was working on fixing what was broken withing himself.
It was very much a "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" thing for us. My H truly got lost in his own mind for a while. He was depressed, he was an ass, he couldn't come to grips that he was depressed and that he was an ass, so continued to cycle and spiral downward into the darkness as he chose to have his A. It took him nearly dying to figure out what he was doing. He started to wake up at that point. IT SUCKED BIG BALLS for me for a long time. But when we finally had our DDay I was vindicated, I wasn't crazy, and I what my gut was telling me was right on.
The layers and complexity of dealing with healing from infidelity are many. Obviously as I digressed here from the initial issue.

I would say try to focus on what he is doing now, is he being the man you want? Is he remorseful? Does he get it? If those answers are yes, then just try to ride it out, and be happy in today.

(((and strength)))

DixieD posted 7/16/2013 09:06 AM

Catchy, you are getting a lot of good advice on this thread. The only thing I would add is that although your husband is remorseful I think you are getting a lot of 'I don't knows' and 'I don't remembers'. A lot of us did at this point.

Whether these are legitimate 'I don't remember's remains to be seen.

Looking back shortly after dday, I thought my husband was remorseful but it was more regret than remorse at that point, and he ended his affair on his own and 'confessed' (his original version didn't match the truth however). IMO remorse transforms from what I saw in the beginning. But I only say that now with more distance in the rearview mirror. He was supportive, wanted to work on himself and the M and did many things right, which helped me.

I would guess (another leap ) that you wanting to scream LIAR is because your gut is screaming at you for the simple reason that you are getting 'I don't remember' answers. So therefore, you don't have all the answers you need to quiet that voice yet. The frustration of that will add to your anger.

Until you can be given answers or piece things together for your own satisfaction in your mind, it will be unsettled. This is a long process.

CatchyUsername posted 7/16/2013 09:14 AM

I only want to yell "LIAR" when he is talking about me. Examples: I love you, i am here for you, i never stopped loved you, i am ashamed, i hate that I have placed this burden on you, i will never do it to you again, i will do whatever it takes, i will be worthy of you going forward, etc.

He rarely says "I don't know" when asked questions about the A. In fact I have been rather astonished at some of the questions he could have lied to that he chose to tell me the bad awful truth to instead. It has made me be a wee bit more careful about what I actually ask.

Thanks for all the replies thus far. Your guidance and wisdom means so much...

DixieD posted 7/16/2013 09:24 AM

Yes, all normal. After hearing all the stuff you never thought your spouse could do, you are left with 'how can you say you love me?' etc.

It's hell Catchy. It truly is. Two things that will help you believe this is time and consistency.


JanaGreen posted 7/16/2013 10:04 AM

Ditto time & consistency. It takes a long time but it DOES get better (((hugs)))

sisoon posted 7/16/2013 15:18 PM

A couple of random thoughts...

As a BS it's hard to keep up one's self-esteem. It's easy to think - we've been taught to think - that our WS cheated because of some failure in us. It's hard to feel lovable or loved when our best friend and lover has cheated.

There's only one tactic I've discovered for combatting that thought - I keep telling myself I'm loving, lovable, and capable. Lots of repetition is necessary - but it's true for all of us, so it bears repeating.

Second, your H has just come off a period a serious lying, and it stopped - possibly - only 10 weeks ago. The fact that you don't trust is a point very much in your favor. I'm 30 months out from a very smooth R (I mean, it sucked, but it was pretty much as smooth as R can go, I think), and our MC says it makes perfect sense for me not to fully trust my W.

Be gentle with yourself. That means, in part, protect yourself against your WS until he gives extremely solid proof you can trust him an something. Step by step....

meplusfour posted 7/16/2013 15:57 PM

I am going to echo what sisoon has stated, namely to engage in rebuilding your self esteem through self-talk. My fWH continues to be expressive about his remorse and is working with me on R. When my fWH tells me that he loves me, that he is sorry for the pain he has caused, he never stopped loving me, I used to challenge him on these statements, by calling him a liar and saying other similiar statements (if you loved me, how could you do this to me). This was counterproductive because it would start an argument. I would be angry and upset and fWH would feel like he was being stomped on by sharing his feelings which did not help R. Now, when fWH expresses loving feelings for me, I think/say "okay" or "thank you" or "I needed to hear that" or "I am worthy of being loved/appreciated/cared for". Hopefully, the urge to call WS a liar will subside.

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