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i don't want to go home tonight

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frankiebaby posted 7/16/2013 06:28 AM

just feeling particularly low today. i'm tired and haven't been sleeping well (my impending departure is weighing heavy on my mind, I guess) and he still doesn't have an idea i know anything, so it's exhausting pretending everything is all right. my birthday is Thursday, too, and i'm thirty, and none of my friends or family are here, no one to celebrate with except WH, and the people I do know here i've been holding at arms length lately simply because i can't deal with socializing, and well....i feel pretty lonely right now. i never thought the eve of my 30th would look like this. there hasn't been a day since this whole thing started when i didn't wish i never got married. i don't want to go home, i don't want to see his face, i don't want to think anymore about the whats and the whys. i don't want to second guess myself anymore or wonder why he did what he did or wonder if maybe i'm making a horrible mistake by leaving him.

i just keep telling myself that this will be over soon. i've come SO close to confronting him over the past few days simply because the limbo is driving me crazy, but i know it's better to wait. this place has been a haven for me for the past two months. thank you all so much. <3

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 6:31 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/16/2013 06:57 AM

happy birthday. Take some time to love yourself on your special day.

I don't have any words of wisdom. But, stay focused on yourself and your healing right now.

RedRaven6500 posted 7/16/2013 07:02 AM

((((HUGS)))) My birthday is on Thursday too! But I'm a bit older than you.

Having those Low Days are so hard, especially if we aren't with our support system, or a specific day/holiday/anniversary is looming. I have had to play the "we are just fine" game as well. His family doesn't know about his A's. I would feel physically ill after pretending like that for days on end, when we were visiting or chatting via Skype to his family. Very difficult moments. I feel for you and I'm sending you some happy birthday wishes, from one who can understand a bit where you are coming from.

(((Hugs and Happy Birthday)))

Threnody posted 7/16/2013 07:53 AM

Turning 30 didn't affect me me very much, but it sure did a lot of my friends. I think you have a great opportunity to get away from everything for a few days by copping to a birthday freakout and booking yourself into a hotel or cabin or spa or horse ranch or whatever else you can think of that offers distractions and the occasional umbrella drink.

I hope your coming year is filled with peace, frankiebaby.

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 08:06 AM

Thren is one smart Chickie.

Ashland13 posted 7/16/2013 08:26 AM

I'm sorry, FrankieBaby.

The milestones were really awful for me the first year and seemed to highlight how lost I had become in my own life.

People came to be with me or invited me and I would go for as long as I could tolerate it. I have a relative who is very annoyed with my trying to be independent and needing some space or when the nerves come and I want to go home and he is not ready, so I find myself backing away further.

Also, FWIW, if a person can't handle my difficult times, I put them aside for now. It sounds very selfish to say and read, but I've never been one to hide what I feel and I can't right now. So when I'm down, I seek solace and just let it flow...otherwise, the longer it is stifled, the longer it takes to get rid of. These are things I learned the hard way and will share willingly, if they help anyone and will be glad of that.

Sometimes I just tell a person, it's a down day, I'll be in touch and they can know I'm not ignoring them or worse off.

I'm sorry you feel lonely, I do too, and I come here when that happens, also.

I turned 40 this year and it was the first year I got no gift from STBXH, merely a very short text message. For his 30th, I threw him a massive party and spent all kinds of money-for my 30th, I got nothing of the sort.

My relatives, though threw me a 40th party last year and I choose to remember them instead. Some drove for hours and took time off work.

One thing that lifts me eventually, is remembering any kindness that has been shown to me or to our daughter, who has loss and change, too. It's hard to believe that there is still goodness and caring in the world, but there is-without a spouse it feels harder to find and is less immediate, but is there.

When the lonliness came, I also burst out of my house and went walking or driving. I took daily drives for a whole year and created a blog with different things I saw on the same routes...I tend to make projects out of anything and it really helped.

I wish you Happy Birthday, and some times of quiet and goodness to come in your life with this new year.

Another thing I will close with, is when the grief hits hard, like this week, I work to find things in my life that existed before I knew him. Going back to roots has helped even if I cry and trying to engage my senses also helps.

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