I'm sorry, FrankieBaby.
The milestones were really awful for me the first year and seemed to highlight how lost I had become in my own life.
People came to be with me or invited me and I would go for as long as I could tolerate it. I have a relative who is very annoyed with my trying to be independent and needing some space or when the nerves come and I want to go home and he is not ready, so I find myself backing away further.
Also, FWIW, if a person can't handle my difficult times, I put them aside for now. It sounds very selfish to say and read, but I've never been one to hide what I feel and I can't right now. So when I'm down, I seek solace and just let it flow...otherwise, the longer it is stifled, the longer it takes to get rid of. These are things I learned the hard way and will share willingly, if they help anyone and will be glad of that.
Sometimes I just tell a person, it's a down day, I'll be in touch and they can know I'm not ignoring them or worse off.
I'm sorry you feel lonely, I do too, and I come here when that happens, also.
I turned 40 this year and it was the first year I got no gift from STBXH, merely a very short text message. For his 30th, I threw him a massive party and spent all kinds of money-for my 30th, I got nothing of the sort.
My relatives, though threw me a 40th party last year and I choose to remember them instead. Some drove for hours and took time off work.
One thing that lifts me eventually, is remembering any kindness that has been shown to me or to our daughter, who has loss and change, too. It's hard to believe that there is still goodness and caring in the world, but there is-without a spouse it feels harder to find and is less immediate, but is there.
When the lonliness came, I also burst out of my house and went walking or driving. I took daily drives for a whole year and created a blog with different things I saw on the same routes...I tend to make projects out of anything and it really helped.
I wish you Happy Birthday, and some times of quiet and goodness to come in your life with this new year.
Another thing I will close with, is when the grief hits hard, like this week, I work to find things in my life that existed before I knew him. Going back to roots has helped even if I cry and trying to engage my senses also helps.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.