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Why can't I bring myself to "unfriend" him?

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PhantomLimb posted 7/16/2013 07:24 AM

I just can't do it. It's our last connection and, once I do it, I'm afraid that will be it. I'm also afraid of looking "mean". Why the hell do I care after what he did to me? I have no idea.

Background: We've been full NC for over two months (no kids, handled 90% of financial stuff in first three weeks). No sign of that changing. (I'm certainly not going to call or email him!)

He's maintaining appearances on FB by keeping up family photos, etc. Part of me is afraid to unfriend him and then he posts a status message trying to control the narrative re: why we broke up. (He said something at work about how our split was amicable and we had just run our course... He's texted mutual friends that things just hadn't been great between us for awhile).

On the other hand, I live in daily fear I'll log on one day and there will be photos of him with the OW and her kid. I only saw a photo of her once and have been spared having a clear image of her in my mind/an image of the two of them together.

I do worry that maintaining a FB connection means that I'm not really NC/180. For example, since we broke up I got a new place, a new job, a new car. I had a great bday party, I have some great photos with my friends at the beach, photos from a trip abroad... all stuff that I would normally post. Have I done so? No. Why? Because I don't want him to think I'm over it.

mysticpenguin posted 7/16/2013 09:31 AM

Post those pics! The 180 means showing yourself that you can be okay without him. Having a great birthday, fun times with friends -- those things are all you showing yourself that you ARE okay without him.

180 means you detach. So detaching from him and the misery he is causing you and letting yourself have a good time is the definition of the 180.

NC? Well, you're not posting the pics for him, so that's not breaking NC. BUT... if you are posting/not posting things to maintain an appearance to him, that *is* breaking NC. You're letting him control your actions and choices.

You don't have the ability to make him think you are or are not "over it" or that you are or are not acting appropriately for the trauma you've just been through.

YOU can only control YOURSELF, your thoughts, your actions.

Be true to YOURSELF. He's going to think whatever the heck he wants anyway.

If *you* want to be friends with him on FB for the time being, go ahead and do so. But don't do it to try to maintain control of the narrative, because the truth is, he's going to say whatever suits him. What people believe is their own business and, again, not something you can control.

If *you* don't want to post the pics on Facebook, don't do it, but don't refrain from posting them just because you think it gives you some ability to change what he thinks.


Ashland13 posted 7/16/2013 10:15 AM

This is what is happening here, too, many common things.

What I've learned is that there's no controlling what Mr. Peckerwood's going to do or tell people, so when I hear something, I tell my version also. Then it's up to each person to determine what they want to believe.

I'm getting stronger sometimes and finally feeling a little bit more like I can handle losing a person who is not willing to hear both sides, which there are. I've lost a close friend because he got to them first but now the true colors have been shown to me and I won't forget. Nor will I go near them or have contact again.

We can't control what they do on the computer, either, it's too wide or broad and it seems common to create a false sense of what actually happened, for it's about saving themselves in the end-your WH and mine, not meant to generalize. I've heard this of some people I know from the Ex's.

Mr. Peckerwood's lies about our relationship are part of what pushed me to file, besides the act of cheating-the disrespect and way he could blatantly turn on me-why not just leave me alone once he got away?

I think, in the long run, that a lie or lying person will be caught. Truth somehow has a way of seeping through and no matter what kind of picture is painted, I still believe in the truth.

I don't believe in a lot right now, but that's one thing.

Why and how of situations can't really be alterted a ton, in my opinion, and if it is attempted, as I said, I bet that over time, it will be sorted out.

Lying doesn't hold up long.

ladies_first posted 7/16/2013 11:05 AM

So he moved out on Dday #2 and you haven't seen him or talked to him in 2 months?

Why? Because I don't want him to think I'm over it.

I'm sorry for the betrayal and the pain of processing -- alone -- the implosion of your world ... presumably while he runs into the arms of OW.

I'm also afraid of looking "mean".

Not mean, you will look *strong* and in control of your life ... rather than stalking his life on FB.

The sooner you DETACH -- emotionally, financially, socially, electronically -- the sooner you can process "The End."


Or waiting for your "moment of justice" on FB... it ain't coming.

EvenKeel posted 7/16/2013 12:21 PM

Dont just unfriend him....block him.

He will tell people what he wants regardless of FB.

People who know you (and who matter) will know the truth. People who listen to his side and believe it....would believe it regardless of your side.

It is hard but you will be glad you did it in the long run.

PS - don't be so hard on yourself about struggle with this. You are still in the very early stages. It takes time but you will get there!


gypsybird87 posted 7/16/2013 18:55 PM

Facebook is so toxic, IMO.... but I have a hard time staying away from it. We are no longer friended but I still sneak peeks at his page and OW's page. I have no clue why I do this to myself... every once in awhile I see something that hurts me, and I realize that I've broken the cardinal rule of "NC = no new hurts." The fact the he doesn't know I've broken NC is irrelevant.

All I can say is that in this utterly fucked up world of infidelity, there is often not much you can control. We find ourselves here because of choices our WS's made, NOT because of choices WE made for ourselves.

So... I find I do better when I keep a damn firm grip on the things I can control. I unfriended him first on facebook because I didn't want the feeling I knew I would have if I logged in one day and discovered that he had unfriended me. I also blocked him and OW.

((phantomlimb)) It sucks how all these "little" things just really aren't so little, and can be so hard. Hang in there.

PhantomLimb posted 7/16/2013 21:51 PM

ladies_first: pretty much. I had been out of town for work and right before I came home DDay #1 happened. He NC the OW. Limbo and discussion of R for a week, then a week each going back to our respective home towns to get some distance/perspective, time with our friends/family to tell them what happened. He broke NC and slept with her before he left and hid it. I figured it out = DDay #2.

I warned him after DDay #1 that if he broke NC that It would most likely be a dealbreaker for me. He told me that his IC knew he had done it and told him that if i had set that "red line" and he still crossed it it meant he had "voted with his feet" and had picked OW. So he told me he wanted me to get a sublet so he could be "free and liberated."

I told him he was about to be really free and liberated, that I wasn't coming home, to ship all of my things to where I was across country and not to speak to me for at least a couple of months while I went into IC to learn to not give a shit about him anymore.

Last I heard from him...

PhantomLimb posted 7/16/2013 21:54 PM


Totally scared he'll unfriend me first!!!!

Maybe block is a nice option...

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 22:10 PM

blocking works , my Ex fiancé and her new BF both shit all over me to all our mutual friends , telling lie after lie after me , ( after I wished them both well and happiness together ) and a few days later both blocked me , so now friends pick and choose what they want to tell me, but its rather annoying to be blocked lol it feels like the person is dead , in Facebook terms , I suppose

PhantomLimb posted 7/18/2013 23:44 PM

Unfriended him this afternoon. Cried for a couple of mins. And then, really, did feel some relief.

I immediately posted all of the photos I wanted to and resumed my normal FB activity with my friends (posting articles, commenting on statuses, etc)... and it felt nice to do something familiar from a time before all of this happened.

And now I have no reason to obsess over his page or when he is and isn't on chat. I don't have to worry that he'll post photos of the OW. At some point I'm sure I'll look up his name and see whatever photos are public, etc. But, for now, this is nice.

... and we have lots of mutual friends... so if a goal is for him to see some of the photos of me out and about, he just may.

SBB posted 7/19/2013 01:06 AM

PL, Don't just unfriend. Block him. Do it. Don't unblock as it takes 2 days to re-block. This helped me resist the urge to unblock to have a peek in the early days.

I waited 2 months. I have no idea why. I cannot tell you how blissful it has been ever since. I don't have to worry that he'll randomly show up or that he gets any kind of window into my life.

The turning point for me came when the fucker posted on a beautiful post I dedicated to my little girl on her birthday. It was about her birth and when I first laid eyes on her. He interjected himself. I felt like I had been mugged. My friends were all like "WTF? Who DOES that??".

I wish I could "block" him like that IRL too. How awesome would it be if he was simply invisible to me and I to him IRL.

Technology needs to catch up with my needs!!

Why? Because I don't want him to think I'm over it.

Who gives a fuck what he thinks. But staying friends with him means what he did was/is OK. When I blocked him I suddenly realised I would unfriend someone who did this to someone else, let alone to me. By 'this' its not just the infidelity but all of the other shit he pulls.

He doesn't deserve a window into your life. He doesn't deserve anything from you.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 1:10 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

solus sto posted 7/19/2013 09:33 AM

I blocked my husband the day he moved out.

He didn't even notice. The "don't want to look mean" thing just doesn't hold water. Seriously, just a couple of weeks ago, when talking to Mr. Trac-fone (a rare occurrence), he was blathering about an article I needed to read (ever helpful, he's still trying to improve my intellect; he does not yet realize he's a mental midget by comparison ), and said I could find it on his Facebook. I said, "I blocked you years ago. Send me a link." (And no, I didn't read the article.)

You're not friends. There is no need to maintain a fake Facebook "friendship" for appearance's sake.

You ask, "Why can't I bring myself to unfriend him?" The answer is easy: you don't want to. The real question is WHY you want to hang on to a source of pain.

ETA: Never mind. I read further and see you unfriended him. I know it hurt--but good for you. (Now: BLOCK HIM. That way, you won't be asking, in two weeks' time, "How do I deal with this friend request?" or "Ex messaged me on FB! How do I respond?"

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:35 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

gypsybird87 posted 7/23/2013 01:58 AM


I just saw this follow up and that you unfriended him. Good for you! I know it was hard but it was also necessary for your own healing.

Now, as others have said and if you haven't already, please PLEASE block him. Again this is for your protection, your healing. Because that's all that matters. You don't need him de-railing you on an otherwise okay day because he gets a bug up his ass to message you or comment on something you've posted on a mutual friend's page. Also, and I didn't know this until I did it... but blocking prevents you from seeing him too. You won't be tempted or able to pop over and view his page. This was a HUGE problem for me, so blocking was the fix. I blocked him, OW, and OW's daughter who lives with them and frequently posts stuff that was hurtful to me.

It's been difficult, but liberating. If you haven't blocked, please consider it. You'll feel so much better, I promise.

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