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getting by posted 7/16/2013 07:39 AM

I have been away from here for a long time.

But, after an 18 mos. separation and divorce and going on 4 yrs. since D-day I have to ask.

When does the feeling of humiliation and sadness go away?

Williesmom posted 7/16/2013 07:43 AM

((getting by))

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with this.

It just takes time for you to realize that you did nothing wrong - that's the humiliation.

The sadness takes a while also. I looked at my new life as an opportunity to be and do whatever I want - a second chance at the life of Williesmom.

Keep plugging away. It will get better.

Pippy posted 7/16/2013 08:18 AM

9 years ago today I was making supper and my now EX walked in, sat down and gave me the "I'm not happy" speech, ending our 30 year marriage. I was devastated to put it mildly.

9 years later there is a hint of sadness for the life plans lost.The divided holidays my kids and grandkids have to endure. But do I miss him. Nope.

Life does get easier and doable. It just takes that dreaded word....time.

SBB posted 7/16/2013 17:27 PM

Everyone is different. Time, NC, space and distance all help with detachment, with detachment comes indifference.

Time itself doesn't get you there - you have to work at it. Consciously at first then it becomes second nature.

I never wanted to be divorced or a single mum or to have my girls split like this. For it to happen this way is definitely a sting in the tail.

Ironically the way he is living his life has made this all less humiliating for me. He was ready to introduce OWUmpteen to my then almost 5 and 2 year olds 20 weeks after the end of a 3m False R where he acted like the good guy who made a terrible mistake. Like it was an aberration.

Turns out it wasn't a mistake - that is who he is. The rest was a mask. He is the aberration.

He is a fuckwit - he is making that loud and clear for all to see.

The humiliation I now carry is for ever being associated with him. For having been his wife, for having had children with him.

I'm still sad for my girls and sad for myself for having wasted almost a decade with him.

Infidelity is one of the cruelest things a person can do to another person. That it is the person who should have had our back and who we trusted is the humiliating part. I trusted long after he was deserving of that trust. That is the humiliating part.

I no longer feel humiliated by his actions - just that I put up with them for so long.

((getting by)) Keep working on it friend. One day you'll roll all of this sadness and humiliation into a ball and walk away from it. Rolling it up is painful and difficult.

Must Survive posted 7/16/2013 21:33 PM

Strongbutbroken,

How do you "work at it" I've had IC for just over a year. Read some books. Still feel like a hot mess of yuck.

I am afraid I will never be normal again.

SBB posted 7/17/2013 04:13 AM

@Must Survive, the things that have worked for me have been maintaining strict NC. No chit-chat, no harsh words. Nothing.

I have fallen off the NC wagon and it set me back.

I also worked on channeling my thoughts away from the past and to the future. I spent several months in a blind rage about how fucked over I was - emotionally, via the loss of 50% of my time with my children, financially.

Then it hit me - I could waste another X years stuck on obsessing about what should have been. I can't change it.

I accepted it.

I surrendered to it.

Acceptance was enormously difficult, went against everything I was feeling at the time and terribly terribly painful. Surrender was too.

But both were essential.

I am not there yet myself. I still have bad days but they are nowhere near as intense, do not last as long and are happening further and further apart.

I also have a tremendous support network IRL who took turns holding me as I sobbed in their arms in the early days. I have friends who will rage with me when I need it, laugh at the absurdity when I need it and give me space when I need it.

I have also embraced my vulnerable side for the first time in my life.

I also had 50% of my time without my girls to fall to pieces. I had many weekends of PJs and forcing myself to even eat a bit of toast.

I just stopped fighting it. This acceptance and surrender and time/space has allowed me to start focussing on my future. The one I DO have control over.

I reminded myself of the future I have avoided by not being with that hot mess of a human being.

I did not want to waste another moment stuck in the limbo hell that I was in. I didn't want this man - I needed to divorce him, turn around and never look back. But for a time I wanted MY husband back. The guy I thought I married.

Part of the acceptance was accepting that he never really existed. To me that guy died a long time ago and I still mourn his death today. I'm OK with that - I've surrendered to it.

It is often said here when a BS is being abused/manipulated by a WS "It stops when you say it stops".

In regards to your NB and healing I believe "It starts when you say it starts".

If you look closely at the things you do or think each day you may see a pattern of things that keep you stuck in this place. You may also notice the things that bring you joy and move you along this rough path.

Shine a light on those things that bring you joy. Start daydreaming about your new future and what it might look like. Dream big!

In the early days I had to force myself to do it for even a few mins a day. Now I do it all the time.

The future I dream of now is something I could never have had with that guy and even better than the small(ish) dreams I had with him. I'm excited about my future again.

Ashland13 posted 7/17/2013 08:45 AM

At times, those feelings are very deep for me and other times this period of ...relief...for lack of a better word, is beginning to come.

The emotions we go through are a process, in my mind, and people may agree or not with the idea. 18 months is a long time in daily life, but from advice I get from "recovered" people, some have taken many, many years. Even with new lives, new loves perhaps, the pain of humilation and sadness gets lighter or duller but some say still lingers.

What they also say, trying to be positive, is that the person who caused the pain and grief may become less important to non existent and that is what I wait for and hope it will help at all to read.

A few things that help me are realizations that I've had to work really hard to make.

There are many and I am long-winded already, but one very hard one is to realize that life is continuing for me, even without Mr. Peckerwood in it. It's not something I could comprehend when this horrible journey began, but I get it now. The days are going to keep coming and that is a realization, that I need to slap myself in the face sometimes and stop losing time or letting him ruin time for me any longer.

FWIW, when the humiliation comes for me, I remind myself of other things-that I stayed the course, I did no wrong and I can go on living and looking in the mirror daily with that knowledge. It helps push some of the humiliation away, with the realization that I can only contol myself and my own thinking.

getting by posted 7/17/2013 23:05 PM

"I also had 50% of my time without my girls to fall to pieces. I had many weekends of PJs and forcing myself to even eat a bit of toast. "

I don't remember how to quote on here, but this is definitely the worst part of it I know this feeling to well thank broken.

Thanks for your posts everyone

[This message edited by getting by at 11:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]