@Must Survive, the things that have worked for me have been maintaining strict NC. No chit-chat, no harsh words. Nothing.
I have fallen off the NC wagon and it set me back.
I also worked on channeling my thoughts away from the past and to the future. I spent several months in a blind rage about how fucked over I was - emotionally, via the loss of 50% of my time with my children, financially.
Then it hit me - I could waste another X years stuck on obsessing about what should have been. I can't change it.
I accepted it.
I surrendered to it.
Acceptance was enormously difficult, went against everything I was feeling at the time and terribly terribly painful. Surrender was too.
But both were essential.
I am not there yet myself. I still have bad days but they are nowhere near as intense, do not last as long and are happening further and further apart.
I also have a tremendous support network IRL who took turns holding me as I sobbed in their arms in the early days. I have friends who will rage with me when I need it, laugh at the absurdity when I need it and give me space when I need it.
I have also embraced my vulnerable side for the first time in my life.
I also had 50% of my time without my girls to fall to pieces. I had many weekends of PJs and forcing myself to even eat a bit of toast.
I just stopped fighting it. This acceptance and surrender and time/space has allowed me to start focussing on my future. The one I DO have control over.
I reminded myself of the future I have avoided by not being with that hot mess of a human being.
I did not want to waste another moment stuck in the limbo hell that I was in. I didn't want this man - I needed to divorce him, turn around and never look back. But for a time I wanted MY husband back. The guy I thought I married.
Part of the acceptance was accepting that he never really existed. To me that guy died a long time ago and I still mourn his death today. I'm OK with that - I've surrendered to it.
It is often said here when a BS is being abused/manipulated by a WS "It stops when you say it stops".
In regards to your NB and healing I believe "It starts when you say it starts".
If you look closely at the things you do or think each day you may see a pattern of things that keep you stuck in this place. You may also notice the things that bring you joy and move you along this rough path.
Shine a light on those things that bring you joy. Start daydreaming about your new future and what it might look like. Dream big!
In the early days I had to force myself to do it for even a few mins a day. Now I do it all the time.
The future I dream of now is something I could never have had with that guy and even better than the small(ish) dreams I had with him. I'm excited about my future again.