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Newest Member: tryingtosaveus (55733)

User Topic: Anyone successfully R'd hubby not initiating sexual contact
♀ 25518
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just moved back in together however FWH is not initiating sexual contact and has rejected my advances . What gives . Anyone successfully moved to physical intimacy from this initial position . Otherwise he is present in the relationship . Is there any hope here ?

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know the answer to this, but I would suggest that you two need to discuss his lack of interest, and understand where it is stemming from.
Can you talk to him outside the bedroom, so to speak, about this issue? I know any pass on my advances initally after Dday would make me very uneasy. I was still horribly co-dependent, and a pass on it would certainly send me into a tailspin. Now I would be like Oh ok, well then mind if take care of this on my own?

Who knows maybe he feels he can't trust himself, or it's a way for him to punish himself. But you need, and deserve to know.

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11751 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with tushnurse!

I'm not successfully R'd but we are in R and due to hormonal conditions that he doesn't want to address, my WH has absolutely no sex drive. It's been a year since he's initiated sex or done anything for me if ya know what I mean

It was hard immediately after disclosure, to know that other people got what I've been dying for... I had a dream that I was in the desert dying of thirst and was crawling along and saw my WH give a flask of water to another woman. I've since realized that's what I had to come to grips with -- metaphorically, he did give a flask of water to another woman when I was right there, dying of thirst.

Unfortunately I never addressed our dying sex life as it slowly faded away during that time period (summer 2012) and now here I am. Sexless. Hopefully not forever.

He does enjoy, um, things that are not exactly sexual intercourse and I've asked him to reduce my sense of rejection by initiating those kinds of things with me. That has lessened the blow. That, and the realization that this is hormonal and it's not a reflection of me.

I know it's not easy. :(

Talk to him. Find out what the root of the problem is. Low T? Low estrogen? (Rarely tested for, but can crush a man's sex drive.) Is he feeling guilty and can't bear to think of the fact that he used sex to hurt you? Is he feeling ashamed? There are nearly infinite possible causes.



Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, just wanted to say I understand how this can sting for sure. While my WH would be willing if I made the moves, for me, I *NEED* HIM to make the move. Since I rarely am there, the frequency isn't anywhere near where it should be. Our drives have always differed, more so since Dday it seems :-(

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
♀ 25518
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your input , I don't feel so alone in this and will follow your suggestions .

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 5

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