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4 o'clock this morning ...

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livebythesea posted 7/16/2013 08:22 AM

Wide awake at 4 this morning. In my mind and soul, (at 4 am that is), felt so strong that he is still hiding something from me. We have been so good to each other during the past week and a half that I don't want to rock the boat. And I don't want to seem like a nagging wife, and a suspicious one at that if after all he has told me everything.

But my subconscious keeps at me. I pray every day to let it go if that is all there is. But it won't let go. I am being obsess with this shit, or are my feelings real. How in the hell will I ever know that. If the damn polygraph test would have gone through, I would have my answers. So now I am stuck in this feeling.

His eyes seem very sincere, 75% of me believes him, but there is still a doubt. How on earth can a women know if her feelings are right or wrong.

Edith posted 7/16/2013 08:30 AM

Dear LBTS,
I'm sure you've heard this before, we have a saying around here to trust your gut. This is your gut telling you something is amiss.

Even more telling, from my very remote perspective, was the reaction he had to the polygraph BEFORE he failed it. He KNEW he was going to fail it and gave you all sorts of grief about it in ADVANCE.

I'm so sorry. Sometimes we have to evolve into understanding the enormity of the betrayal. Hugs and strength to you dear.


anewday78 posted 7/16/2013 09:12 AM

Have you installed a key logger on his computer yet? I think that unless you see what he's doing on the computer, you're never going to have any peace.

wanttogoforward posted 7/16/2013 09:33 AM

Trust your instincts.... and investigate thoroughly! When your body says one thing we all try to talk our head and heart into ignoring what it says.... there is a reason they are connected.

burnt_toast posted 7/16/2013 12:33 PM

If he is truly remorseful, he will be accepting that he has to deal with your pain and your suspicion.

True intimacy comes when two people trust each other with opening their hearts when the feelings are bad. I understand the feeling of risking everything by telling him how you feel, but if you don't you'll never know and the relationship will eventually dwindle from the secrecy and lack of trust.

If he's blameshifting or gazlighting when you open up, then trust your heart.

If there is something to loose, it's already lost, just hidden. Otherwise, opening up is the only way to fix this.

Joyless29 posted 7/16/2013 12:38 PM

Don't feel bad I am in the same boat. I don't trust either. I am obsessively looking to catch him in a lie. How does one go about getting a polygraph?

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 12:45 PM

Trust your gut. Mine was never wrong. Even the few times I thought it was, it ended up it wasn't.

I went through broken NC multiple times. He would be ok for a few days, and then get pissy when he knew I had snooped. I went through the secret email, that was his first sneaky thing. A secret Cell phone, another secret email. And finally a keylogger. That was what got me my proof. If I didn't have proof in hand I would get a song a dance and half truths. When I had that though I had the strength to end it, I handed him my rings, and told him to pack his shit and go. That was what FINALLY cleared his fog. Making him know I was done.

My point is as bad as this hurts, finding out in a month, or 6 months that he is still up to old tricks, or that you didn't get it all will crush you. If you are really going to R. You have to be comfortable that you have the truth, and that he really really gets it.

ArableSands posted 7/16/2013 12:47 PM

Don't trust polygraphs. I'm not kidding, years ago I did research with a criminology PhD student and polygraphs did NOT come out well at all. There are a bunch of peer-reviewed studies out there you can reference. Ultimately, polygraphs can be tricked, and they can be misinterpreted, because it's the polygraph EXAMINER who does the interpreting. Polygraph examiners have a vested interest in keeping polygraphs around, for obvious reasons. There are excellent reasons why polygraph results are NOT admissable as evidence in court. Do NOT rely on them.

livebythesea posted 7/16/2013 13:10 PM

My H is absolutely and definitely not having an A now. That I know. What I am not sure of is that he may not be telling me all of the story. Missing parts and pieces. Like other ONS or maybe even a short term relationship.

Going to approach him tonight. He has 2 options: 1) give me the whole truth; or 2) take the damn polygraph. If he refuses both, then my option is to leave. He won't leave, so I will have to pack my things and leave my home. Does not thrill me in the least, but I will have to be the one to leave.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/16/2013 13:34 PM

Honey, you have had this exact conversation with him multiple times. And each time you got a little tiny bit stronger, and he responded by becoming more aggressive and more demanding and making wild threats ("if I have to take that poly, I'm moving out when it's done", etc.). You KNOW how the conversation is going to go because you've had it repeatedly with him. He's going to tell you that you have the truth, you're going to say you want a poly because you don't think you do, and he's going to say "here we go again, didn't you cancel that poly last week ON YOUR OWN?" Then he's going to make you feel incredibly guilty and evil for even bringing it up again when you just cancelled it last week.

This is just turning into a game for the both of you. He's toying with your emotions and seeing how far he can control you. You're dancing with this thing that will give you the answers that you want but then refusing to get the answers because you are scared that they will be as you suspect and cause you to have to re-evaluate what you think you know about your M. You have got to make a choice though... either stop doing this dance and just accept that you'll never have the truth, or demand the poly and get it over with and stick by your guns and stand up for yourself for once and for all. If you don't, you guys will continue this dance for the next decade just driving each other more mad each time. It's not healthy, it's not good, and it's not productive.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/16/2013 13:59 PM

I don't want to rock the boat. And I don't want to seem like a nagging wife, and a suspicious one at that if after all he has told me everything.

Don't tip toe around your WH for fear he will get upset. You must find it in you to run this show.

He's toying with your emotions and seeing how far he can control you

^^^100% agree

Demand what you deserve...answers, honest answers and if you do not feel you are getting them then kick him out. I know, you said he won't leave but don't hesitate to ask him to.

He is manipulating you...180 him.

realitybites posted 7/16/2013 14:40 PM

So what are you going to do after you leave? Do you have a plan in place? Because if you give this ultimatum then you need to back it up when and if he does not give you what you want.

krisdev posted 7/16/2013 17:05 PM

All I have to say is follow your intuition. It never steers you wrong. GL

Dark Inertia posted 7/16/2013 18:11 PM

My H is absolutely and definitely not having an A now.

Never be so sure. I recently started visiting one of my old forum haunts that has a support forum for OW/M and WS. One OW started a thread about how her MM's wife thinks they are 110% in reconciliation, but the truth is he is still talking and sleeping with her. They just took it way underground. Her advice was how to help keep the affair a secret when they have a married partner who wants to keep the marriage. Always trust your gut.

Ashland13 posted 7/16/2013 18:48 PM

The gut, the gut, sometimes all in the gut...

Mine did that too and still does, but with other things because he ruined the trust so much.

I hope for the sake of happiness that it will not pan out and that he is honest, but if you are waking up at night, that's a big signal, LBTS. And I'm sorry.

Mine did that and it led to being able to sniff out false R, while my brain was screaming, "no, no, no, not again." It's like parts of me separated and I didn't know which to believe.

To this day, STBXH has not told me everything, but I got to a point where I didn't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't stand it.

The other posts have good ideas. Some of the clues I found, if if it helps, were in the demeanor with which he used his electronics, which changed drastically over solidifying with OW.

Yes, STBXH is a master at being stonefaced, but I'm getting "smarter", too and bet that you will, over time.

I am concerned that he gave you a hard time about the polygraph test...STBXH here gave me similar hard times and I'm sorry to say, they became red flags.

It's not something I like hearing, but even though we have to wait, time does do wonders. If he is hiding something, it won't take too long until he can't keep up a charade or hide parts of his life from you.

Truth has a crazy way of seeping through the lies and hidden agenda.

livebythesea posted 7/16/2013 21:45 PM

Truly mixed feelings. He will not commit to the polygraph, will not go to counselling either. I dont get why he will not join me in counselling. Had an appt last week with a doctor and cancelled it the same day of the appt. Why wont he go to counselling with me.

He tells me that we will fix it together. Same story, we do not need "outside" help to fix this. I tell him, I need help. I needed the damn polygraph test done to give me peace. He will not budge.

We had it out again tonight. He insist that I know everything. Nothing more to tell. He is very convincing. The only thing now that gives me doubts is that he refuses the polygraph test. Is that enough to keep me doubtful???

ArableSands posted 7/16/2013 22:00 PM

Why wont he go to counselling with me.

Because the sonovabitch wants to maintain control over your reconciliation. A counsellor might drag something out of him you don't want to know.

roomtoheal posted 7/16/2013 22:14 PM

The gut tells all.

A truly remorseful WS or FWS does anything and everything that the BS needs to heal, without hesitation. even if he/she feels it is a bit out if the ordinary, or against what they may feel is needed....they do it anyway. That means no conditions, complaints, or excuses.

I'm sorry but he is hiding something.


tushnurse posted 7/17/2013 07:20 AM

His refusal to do what you need to for you to heal is NOT owwning his actions, that is rugsweeping behavior, and if you allow it, his chances of repeating this behavior are very high.

Did you lay down any consequences for NOT agreeing to any of the requests? What now? I know these are hard questions, but you deserve to be loved wholely, respected enough by your spouse for him to do whatever it takes, and to heal and be happy.

Hang in there, but find your strength.

Josephine01 posted 7/17/2013 09:57 AM


It sounds like he is guilty and he knows it. He won't even go to counseling with you after you told this is what you need to heal. That is the least he could do. You deserve better.

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