But my subconscious keeps at me. I pray every day to let it go if that is all there is. But it won't let go. I am being obsess with this shit, or are my feelings real. How in the hell will I ever know that. If the damn polygraph test would have gone through, I would have my answers. So now I am stuck in this feeling.
His eyes seem very sincere, 75% of me believes him, but there is still a doubt. How on earth can a women know if her feelings are right or wrong.
Even more telling, from my very remote perspective, was the reaction he had to the polygraph BEFORE he failed it. He KNEW he was going to fail it and gave you all sorts of grief about it in ADVANCE.
I'm so sorry. Sometimes we have to evolve into understanding the enormity of the betrayal. Hugs and strength to you dear.
True intimacy comes when two people trust each other with opening their hearts when the feelings are bad. I understand the feeling of risking everything by telling him how you feel, but if you don't you'll never know and the relationship will eventually dwindle from the secrecy and lack of trust.
If he's blameshifting or gazlighting when you open up, then trust your heart.
If there is something to loose, it's already lost, just hidden. Otherwise, opening up is the only way to fix this.
When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.
I went through broken NC multiple times. He would be ok for a few days, and then get pissy when he knew I had snooped. I went through the secret email, that was his first sneaky thing. A secret Cell phone, another secret email. And finally a keylogger. That was what got me my proof. If I didn't have proof in hand I would get a song a dance and half truths. When I had that though I had the strength to end it, I handed him my rings, and told him to pack his shit and go. That was what FINALLY cleared his fog. Making him know I was done.
My point is as bad as this hurts, finding out in a month, or 6 months that he is still up to old tricks, or that you didn't get it all will crush you. If you are really going to R. You have to be comfortable that you have the truth, and that he really really gets it.
Going to approach him tonight. He has 2 options: 1) give me the whole truth; or 2) take the damn polygraph. If he refuses both, then my option is to leave. He won't leave, so I will have to pack my things and leave my home. Does not thrill me in the least, but I will have to be the one to leave.
This is just turning into a game for the both of you. He's toying with your emotions and seeing how far he can control you. You're dancing with this thing that will give you the answers that you want but then refusing to get the answers because you are scared that they will be as you suspect and cause you to have to re-evaluate what you think you know about your M. You have got to make a choice though... either stop doing this dance and just accept that you'll never have the truth, or demand the poly and get it over with and stick by your guns and stand up for yourself for once and for all. If you don't, you guys will continue this dance for the next decade just driving each other more mad each time. It's not healthy, it's not good, and it's not productive.
I don't want to rock the boat. And I don't want to seem like a nagging wife, and a suspicious one at that if after all he has told me everything.
Don't tip toe around your WH for fear he will get upset. You must find it in you to run this show.
He's toying with your emotions and seeing how far he can control you
Demand what you deserve...answers, honest answers and if you do not feel you are getting them then kick him out. I know, you said he won't leave but don't hesitate to ask him to.
He is manipulating you...180 him.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
My H is absolutely and definitely not having an A now.
Never be so sure. I recently started visiting one of my old forum haunts that has a support forum for OW/M and WS. One OW started a thread about how her MM's wife thinks they are 110% in reconciliation, but the truth is he is still talking and sleeping with her. They just took it way underground. Her advice was how to help keep the affair a secret when they have a married partner who wants to keep the marriage. Always trust your gut.
Mine did that too and still does, but with other things because he ruined the trust so much.
I hope for the sake of happiness that it will not pan out and that he is honest, but if you are waking up at night, that's a big signal, LBTS. And I'm sorry.
Mine did that and it led to being able to sniff out false R, while my brain was screaming, "no, no, no, not again." It's like parts of me separated and I didn't know which to believe.
To this day, STBXH has not told me everything, but I got to a point where I didn't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't stand it.
The other posts have good ideas. Some of the clues I found, if if it helps, were in the demeanor with which he used his electronics, which changed drastically over solidifying with OW.
Yes, STBXH is a master at being stonefaced, but I'm getting "smarter", too and bet that you will, over time.
I am concerned that he gave you a hard time about the polygraph test...STBXH here gave me similar hard times and I'm sorry to say, they became red flags.
It's not something I like hearing, but even though we have to wait, time does do wonders. If he is hiding something, it won't take too long until he can't keep up a charade or hide parts of his life from you.
Truth has a crazy way of seeping through the lies and hidden agenda.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
He tells me that we will fix it together. Same story, we do not need "outside" help to fix this. I tell him, I need help. I needed the damn polygraph test done to give me peace. He will not budge.
We had it out again tonight. He insist that I know everything. Nothing more to tell. He is very convincing. The only thing now that gives me doubts is that he refuses the polygraph test. Is that enough to keep me doubtful???
Why wont he go to counselling with me.
Because the sonovabitch wants to maintain control over your reconciliation. A counsellor might drag something out of him you don't want to know.
A truly remorseful WS or FWS does anything and everything that the BS needs to heal, without hesitation. even if he/she feels it is a bit out if the ordinary, or against what they may feel is needed....they do it anyway. That means no conditions, complaints, or excuses.
I'm sorry but he is hiding something.
“♣The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive if they choose to but do not forget ♣.”
Thomas S. Szasz
Did you lay down any consequences for NOT agreeing to any of the requests? What now? I know these are hard questions, but you deserve to be loved wholely, respected enough by your spouse for him to do whatever it takes, and to heal and be happy.
Hang in there, but find your strength.
It sounds like he is guilty and he knows it. He won't even go to counseling with you after you told this is what you need to heal. That is the least he could do. You deserve better.