H and I had a conversation, actually a couple about his why.
first he told me the marriage was failed and I had to get away from you.
Then he told me he had to get away from me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.(he had been awful to me for years, verbally and emotionally, no self worth of my own).
He didn't want to hurt me anymore so he had an affair and left me???
I call BS!
Told him I felt like he was lying, it was his justification kicking in to make him feel better about what he did.
He agreed. Said that at the time he just did not care about me.
Ok, honest, I already know that. It was pretty obvious.
My confusion now is, why do you care now???
I was always so easy before, forgiving, pleasant, willing to give.
Now, not so much, for obvious reasons. I am not so easy to be around, I am sad mostly, I cry a lot, rarely laugh, ask lots of painful questions, express anger, express needs, not so physically affectionate.
Why does he want me now?
I asked him, all he says is that he always believed there was a connection.
Nothing he says seems to mean anything to me.
I just don't know if I will ever feel better. I want the sincere words from him that he is so sorry for being so selfish, that he hurts for the hurt that he caused me. I want to know if he really feels this way without my asking.
He does tell me he feels shame. He tells me he loves me, but he said that every day, even on the day he left, before I found the email. He talks to me, I think he is trying to be open, but then sometimes I feel like he turns things around and starts picking on me for being too tense, I clench my hands, for looking away when I am talking, for not responding fast enough. I think maybe this is a defense mechanism to shut down conversation.
He keeps telling me he knows what I need, his expressions of remorse but he is not able to give it to me yet. He wants me to be more physically affectionate. If I don't think I can do this. If my pain rises up I become resentful. He wants from me but will not attempt to give me what I need.
I have asked him to read. Please it will help us learn how to get through this, to help each other.
He says he will, but does bare minimum. a couple of pages and then days of nothing.
When I ask if he has read something, maybe something I printed or wrote, he says I am shoving it down his throat.
He says that I should focus on and accept and appreciate what he is able to do and accept who he is. He says I want him to be someone else.
Now that I just wrote that, I think, YES, of course I want you to be someone else!!!
I want you to be the husband that I can trust, I want you to be the husband that will do things for me just because I ask, because it will make me feel better.
I want you to be the husband that will do whatever is in his power to help me feel loved, safe, special, important and valuable to him.
Am I off on all of this???
I sometimes think I am being too hard. I wonder if I am shutting down his efforts.
This is so confusing. It is hard to find a balance between self sacrificing and self protective.
I have never acknowledge that I had needs. Accepted what ever crumbs were tossed my way and I guess never valued myself, never even thought about it, just put everyones needs above my own. I didn't resent it then, didn't even see it. To do for others made me feel good, to see others happy made me feel happy, I just never stopped to consider myself. I think I was trying so hard to be loved. I believed that if you were a kind, giving person others would treat you that way.
Left over from childhood, survival tactic that I never outgrew. If I was sweet, gentle, quiet, asked for nothing, sometimes I was overlooked and did not get hurt. Invisible.
"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie