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what do I do with this???

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cantaccept posted 7/16/2013 08:24 AM

H and I had a conversation, actually a couple about his why.

first he told me the marriage was failed and I had to get away from you.

Then he told me he had to get away from me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.(he had been awful to me for years, verbally and emotionally, no self worth of my own).

He didn't want to hurt me anymore so he had an affair and left me???

I call BS!

Told him I felt like he was lying, it was his justification kicking in to make him feel better about what he did.

He agreed. Said that at the time he just did not care about me.

Ok, honest, I already know that. It was pretty obvious.

My confusion now is, why do you care now???

I was always so easy before, forgiving, pleasant, willing to give.

Now, not so much, for obvious reasons. I am not so easy to be around, I am sad mostly, I cry a lot, rarely laugh, ask lots of painful questions, express anger, express needs, not so physically affectionate.

Why does he want me now?

I asked him, all he says is that he always believed there was a connection.

Nothing he says seems to mean anything to me.

I just don't know if I will ever feel better. I want the sincere words from him that he is so sorry for being so selfish, that he hurts for the hurt that he caused me. I want to know if he really feels this way without my asking.

He does tell me he feels shame. He tells me he loves me, but he said that every day, even on the day he left, before I found the email. He talks to me, I think he is trying to be open, but then sometimes I feel like he turns things around and starts picking on me for being too tense, I clench my hands, for looking away when I am talking, for not responding fast enough. I think maybe this is a defense mechanism to shut down conversation.

He keeps telling me he knows what I need, his expressions of remorse but he is not able to give it to me yet. He wants me to be more physically affectionate. If I don't think I can do this. If my pain rises up I become resentful. He wants from me but will not attempt to give me what I need.

I have asked him to read. Please it will help us learn how to get through this, to help each other.

He says he will, but does bare minimum. a couple of pages and then days of nothing.

When I ask if he has read something, maybe something I printed or wrote, he says I am shoving it down his throat.

He says that I should focus on and accept and appreciate what he is able to do and accept who he is. He says I want him to be someone else.

Now that I just wrote that, I think, YES, of course I want you to be someone else!!!

I want you to be the husband that I can trust, I want you to be the husband that will do things for me just because I ask, because it will make me feel better.

I want you to be the husband that will do whatever is in his power to help me feel loved, safe, special, important and valuable to him.

Am I off on all of this???

I sometimes think I am being too hard. I wonder if I am shutting down his efforts.

This is so confusing. It is hard to find a balance between self sacrificing and self protective.

I have never acknowledge that I had needs. Accepted what ever crumbs were tossed my way and I guess never valued myself, never even thought about it, just put everyones needs above my own. I didn't resent it then, didn't even see it. To do for others made me feel good, to see others happy made me feel happy, I just never stopped to consider myself. I think I was trying so hard to be loved. I believed that if you were a kind, giving person others would treat you that way.

Left over from childhood, survival tactic that I never outgrew. If I was sweet, gentle, quiet, asked for nothing, sometimes I was overlooked and did not get hurt. Invisible.

unfound posted 7/16/2013 09:27 AM

it sounds like he's saying a lot, but not doing much. the words are the easy part. backing them up with consistent actions aren't.

you've expressed your needs, now what are the consequences of him not making the effort (a real effort) to meet them?

cantaccept posted 7/16/2013 10:02 AM


Yes, he talks and does not follow through.

What are the consequences?

It seems that they are occurring naturally. Not things that I am deliberately doing, not thought out but just in response to his treatment.

I feel myself withdrawing physically. I don't hide it tell him why. It just happens when I don't feel loved, feel that he is giving enough.

I have tried to explain how the two are so connected for me. He keeps asking for touch, massage, physical touch. I hate to think that this is just a downward spiral and that if I can give what I don't feel he would respond with what I need. It feels wrong to me.

He actually said a few words to me the other day that touched me. That night we were lying on the couch and I found myself just stroking his arm and shoulder, no reservation, no forethought, it just happened naturally, I wanted to.

I pointed out to him the next day, the outcome of his kindness to me, his expression of me being the most important thing to him now. How much I need that and how it frees me to be vulnerable to him.

I am trying so hard to be patient with him, I know this is all new. I just cannot imagine watching someone I love in pain because of my actions and not doing everything I could to help them.

Which brings me back to "do you really love me? Why are you back? Why do you love me now? I

Duffy1958 posted 7/16/2013 11:25 AM

It feels wrong for him to expect intimacy FIRST, before he has shown true remorse because you can't feel safe, letting someone who has shown such disregard for your life.

It sounds like he hasn't done anything or much besides, "Hey baby! Be grateful I'm here!" That is SO wrong. No. Do not accept it. And don't let him pressure you in ANY way.

I hope you continue on your journey to finding your self worth. Your self worth has NOTHING to do with him.

Step back from him. He is NOT good right now or yet. Let him step up & act like a man or not.

The most important thing is you finding who you are & knowing no matter what anyone else acts like, you are valuable to this life. Very valuable. Then he can bust rocks or man up. It may seem like a daunting task but it's not. Writing, writing, writing & reading. Having TIME to think without pressure. You need it. I hope you can.

Take care! Keep in touch!

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