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Out of town work trip

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painpaingoaway posted 7/16/2013 08:32 AM

Late yesterday afternoon H's boss suddenly requested he go help out with a problem situation in another city. For 2 weeks. It was a request, not mandatory, but highly encouraged.

This will be the first semi-lengthy out of town work trip since D-day. (He had another trip about a month ago but it was only for 2 days).

H handled it well. He called and asked me if it was okay with me that he go. I was surprised of course, and was thrown into a state of anxiety that I didn't expect, (thought I was 100% healed but I guess maybe that's not possible after infidelity ). I said I needed to process for a minute, and that I would call him back in a few minutes.

Everything came flooding back in a torrent of pain. Wow. My first thought was how will he go without sex for 2 weeks? He is highly highly sexual and physical. Like twice a day kind of sexual. But not just sex, he has a great need to touch, cuddle, spoon. I'm also very sexual, so it's never been an issue, but I know I can go without for a few weeks without becoming tempted.

It's really kind of ridiculous, because I go out of town more often than he does, and I am sometimes gone much longer than 2 weeks, but I rarely worry when he's at home and I'm out of town.

I guess my fears center more around the mentality of his coworkers (all male) and their 'tradition' of going to strip clubs.

He offered up the names of the coworkers on this trip...I don't know these particular ones.

He told me would answer all my calls day or night. That he would answer even in the middle of the night and send me a pic of where he was any time I wanted one.

He told me to 'find my iPhone' him 20 times a day if it would make me feel better.😳

He said there was no way in hell he would ever set foot in a strip club again. He also agreed to no bars of any kind.

Not that any of this would prevent someone from cheating if they really wanted to, but it did make me feel safer.

He is leaving a key for me at the front desk if I should decide to 'surprise' him on the weekend. (Yeah, I know what that's about ).

So, I guess that's about all one could ask for.

But I still feel a little sad that all this is necessary to make me feel safe.

forgivingnow posted 7/16/2013 09:32 AM

I understand how it feels to be thrown into a state of anxiety when they travel, even when things are going great....
Just want you to know you are heard and what you are feeling is normal. Travel will always be a trigger for me too.
It sounds like he is making some good steps to make you feel safe.
(((painpaingoaway)))

unfound posted 7/16/2013 09:40 AM

ugh. I remember going through something similar around the same time...and it sucked. not so much due to the state of our R at the time, but having to face a new unexplored situation. kwim?

sounds like he's trying to be proactively transparent and giving you reassurance . that's great.

it's a huge HUGE leap of faith. keep talking about it. keep puttingi plans in place. keep going over scenarios and how they'll be handled, ie: what will he do/say if the others want him to go to a strip club/bar? what if he's in the middle of a conversation and can't talk on the phone? (can he keep it in his pocket and hit 'answer'?) what if he's somewhere he doens't have a signal? etc....

if the sexual side is weighing heavy on your mind, talk with him about it. skype ? or whatever the cool kids are using these days.

it won't be easy, and it does suck that you need all this to feel safe. try to keep in the front of your mind that this is a product of all the work you've done put into action. that this is the ehalthy way to deal with the situation and you both have the tools to go through it together. be proud of that . and when he gets home, you'll be able to let out a big sigh of relief and know that there's one more thing you've tackled and won...together.

[This message edited by unfound at 9:42 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

painpaingoaway posted 7/16/2013 10:22 AM

what will he do/say if the others want him to go to a strip club/bar?
he plans to say, "nope, no strip clubs/bars for me". Of course what I would really like him to say is, "you guys sure you want to do that?, it's a great way to ruin your marriage" lol. Whatever.
what if he's in the middle of a conversation and can't talk on the phone?
he plans to call me back immediately.
can he keep it in his pocket and hit 'answer'?
he forgets to end his calls all the time! I can't tell you how many times I've listened in on him, lol. So far, everything I've heard is above board.
what if he's somewhere he doens't have a signal? etc....
now that is a problem I've not yet figured out an answer to.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 10:23 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

painpaingoaway posted 8/6/2013 07:06 AM

Well, this has turned into a much longer work trip than expected.

He has now been working out of town for a month. Been working 13 days on, one day off. I've gone there to be with him the 2 days he has had off.

He came home on Sunday, and told me there was possibility he would be asked to go back again tomorrow. I said 'fine, but only commit to a week at a time, as our DD is due with her second child on the 17th', she wants us to be there to see the new baby, and I committed to watching G-baby1 while she is in the hospital.

Well last nite he tells me that yes, they do want him to go back. I said, "you committed to only a week at a time right"? And he looked like this: 😧. And I looked like this:

I was like, "WTF!!! I told you to only commit to a week at a time, as we need to be there for DD"! And what do you think he said? "I forgot". WTF??? I said "Bullshit, and I told you the words 'I forgot, or I don't remember' are to never come out of your mouth again"???? And what did he say to that? "Oh, I forgot about that".😡 Good God I am so pissed I can't stand it.

My DD will be extremely hurt if he misses the birth. I don't know how he can do this?

I trying to let go of the outcome. Trying to remember I can't control another person. But I can't stand to see my DD hurt.

So, I have printed this out, and plan to put it in his wallet before he leaves:

HFSSC posted 8/6/2013 09:39 AM

PPGA, this is what we were talking about last week. I swear, I think there is brain damage to these men. Crap, I am so sorry that he's being a doofus.

I love that poem. Love it.
(((PPGA)))

painpaingoaway posted 8/10/2013 23:03 PM

Well, H redeemed himself. 😊 My daughter went into labor last night, baby girl was born at about 7:00this morning. H worked all day, finished at 4:30 PM, rented a car, and drove like a bat out of hell to get to the hospital to see the baby. He surprised us all!

I was so sad this morning when my daughter asked (for the 3rd time this week) if her Dad would be able to see the baby today, and I had to say I didn't think so.

I'm so glad he came home, even so briefly. It meant the world to my daughter, and too me.

authenticnow posted 8/11/2013 06:40 AM

Congratulations on the new baby!!!

I'm so glad your H made it home .

Williesmom posted 8/11/2013 06:49 AM

HFSSC posted 8/11/2013 07:30 AM

Yay! for Mr PPGA. I'm so glad he stepped up like that.


I've got a question for you, and not sure if I should pm or post it. Has to do with a comment someone made to one of your pictures. You want to pm me? Or is it okay to post it here?

brokensmile322 posted 8/11/2013 08:05 AM

PPGA

Hooray for your Wh!!

And congratulations on the new grandbaby girl to love!

jo2love posted 8/11/2013 08:29 AM

Congrats on your new grandbaby!!!

Getting to Happy posted 8/11/2013 12:18 PM

Hooray for the new baby girl!!!

I am so glad for you and your family. Congratulations!

How really great it is that he was able to surprise everyone by making an effort to drive in.

Way to GO Mr. PPGA!

SoVerySadNow posted 8/11/2013 13:46 PM


Congratulations!!!

painpaingoaway posted 8/11/2013 21:54 PM

Thanks everyone! It's been a action packed weekend to say the least. New G-baby girl's birth, taking care of G-baby1 while daughter and her H were in hospital, cooking and freezing loads of food for them, and all on maybe a total of 7 hrs sleep all weekend.

And HFSSC,

Has to do with a comment someone made to one of your pictures.
I am assuming you mean the 'sexy' comment on H's Facebook pic holding the baby? Yeah. And you know who it was that made that comment? My old roommate from 30-something yrs ago. Someone I've often wondered about as to whether or not something had ever gone on there...yeah, we need to talk about that.

HFSSC posted 8/11/2013 23:02 PM

I am assuming you mean the 'sexy' comment on H's Facebook pic holding the baby? Yeah. And you know who it was that made that comment? My old roommate from 30-something yrs ago. Someone I've often wondered about as to whether or not something had ever gone on there...yeah, we need to talk about that.

Yep. That was the one. It raised my hackles immediately. I wasn't sure if it was a FOM that you had history with and could get away with a statement like that. (Okay, I'm not sure how that could EVER be an okay statement to make to someone who is married.)

I just do not understand people.

However, congratulations on the baby. She's super cute and I'm so glad everyone is healthy.

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