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so frustrated (embarrassing, tmi post)

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HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 09:08 AM

We are having sexual issues and have been for a few months now. It's really wearing me down. Before the A, we were the perfect match, sexually. It was amazing, we did it pretty frequently.

Post A, after the HB wore off, WH has problems finishing way early, pretty much every single time. I'm talking, a 2-3 minutes and he can't take anymore, he's done. It's so frustrating as a woman, because we need time to build up. He tries to rally and continue after he has finished, but he can't finish again or loses his stamina and I'm left feeling like I'm not "doing it" for him and it makes me so upset.

Sex is hard enough for me half the time, because of triggering and the fact that I have pretty much no self-confidence post-A. I can't tell you how many times sex ends in me crying and it's getting to the point where we start and I'm thinking "why bother, you won't enjoy it and you will end up in tears in a few minutes, anyways".

Sex has gone from being one of the best things in our marriage, to the worst. I don't know what to do... and WH is only 30! I've been patient with him, we've read suggestions on how to help his issues... he doesn't really stick to them or try them for more than a day or two. I'm so frustrated and upset and I'm ready to swear off sex all together because frankly, it causes more harm than good!

Anyone else have issues like this?

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/16/2013 09:17 AM

Sex has been really difficult for but since we've established a "she comes first" policy, it's been much improved.

confused615 posted 7/16/2013 09:21 AM

He needs to see a may be something physically wrong. Or it could be mental..guilt maybe?

In the meantime,there are other ways to satisfy you.

What about foreplay? If your WH can not last long enough to bring you to orgasm,then there are certainly other ways to get you *there.* He could satisfy you orally or manually,then move on to vaginal sex...that way both of you can "finish." It also will mean the two of you can spend more time being intimate.

WH always..always..bring me to orgasm first..before sex..

Im bothered that he knows this is an issue for you...rightfully so. After an affair,the BS has very little confidence,and sex is a huge trigger for many...but he's not putting forth any effort to change this. I don't understand why he's only "trying" these other suggestions for a day or two..which isn't really trying.

WHY is he not putting more of an effort into this? His lack of effort here is more of a problem then his getting off in 2 minutes,IMO.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

realitybites posted 7/16/2013 09:27 AM

I agree that it is time to be upfront and ask for more. Do you talk about this with him? I mean truly talk?

What about introducing some toys that he can use to play with on or with you? Some other spicy things outside of just your bedroom sex?

You may have done these things, don't know you but I do know that if you don't talk about it out loud you will get very frustrated at not getting what you want.

sailorgirl posted 7/16/2013 09:34 AM

Is it possible that sex is "too good" for him since he is finally being honest and open with you?

We have had a similar problem and WH says it's because sex is emotional for him now. It's better on a new level for him--emotionally intense.

It might help if he comes earlier in the day through masturbation (with you). Then he'll be able to last longer when you have sex.

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 09:34 AM

Oh don't worry, I'm not shy about telling him what I want. I guess I'm just bored with the usual practice of using other methods to get me off before he finishes. I just want to be intimate with him for more than 2 minutes... it makes it really hard for me to feel that connection with him :(

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 09:36 AM

sailorgirl, yeah I read lots of things about masturbating earlier in the day to help with lasting longer. He like refuses to do it, says he doesn't have time. I said "hello, do it in the shower in the morning!" lol. It just seems like he doesn't care enough to try to fix his issue to help me out, and it hurts me.

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 09:45 AM

PS, omg this is hard to talk about! I'm so embarrassed!! I'm a fairly private person so admitting this to the "world" is so embarrassing!!

wanttogoforward posted 7/16/2013 09:49 AM

I think sex changes for a lot of us post A.... I know I struggled... and then it was even worse when I tried meds that killed my ability to have fun (TMI- sorry )....

First it's important to be open about it and not embarrassed .... in our house we talk about it and he takes pleasure in making me orgasm.... you could let him know the things that get you in the mood... for me sex is a lot more than just what happens in the bedroom... it's the kisses and touches throughout the day.... it's the snuggling before and the slow touching that builds into the act itself.. it's the spending time together as a couple... the holding hands..... sounds to me like you feel the intimacy of those things are the areas you need more.... have you read the 5 love languages book? It helped us!
It's not the amount of time it takes for him to get off... it's about mutual pleasure and expressing the love and at this most vulnerable time you should both feel close and not worry so much about the actual orgasm... I worried about that for awhile and now don't as much....
I've heard of couples that set specific parameters for building intimacy... like days of just touch and talking.... and rebuild to the actual act.
He needs to understand what your brain and heart have gone through and that it takes time to rebuild that which has been broken.... he needs to put the intimacy first and the sex second... it's not really about who finishes first (in my house he likes to make sure I am pleasured first because he says that makes him so much more in the mood )....
what do you do when the sex is over?? Do you connect and snuggle and talk?? do you have nights where you just lay in bed and touch without the actual sex?? All of those things help to build the intimacy you seem to lack...

To me this post screams lack of intimacy and not so much the sex.... let him know what you need or you will continue with the unhappy pattern of frustration.... I'm positive there are other books out there to build intimacy both in and out of the bedroom.

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 09:55 AM

Lately, the only thing that happens after sex is me crying, and he falls asleep. WH isn't really into cuddling after sex, and he never has been. I am, but I've just accepted that he's not into it.

We do foreplay and all that, I just want to actually be able to have sex with him, for more than 2 minutes. THAT is what I like the most... and it just isn't happening because of his issues.

Last night I got so upset. I feel like the A has robbed me of everything

DWBH posted 7/16/2013 10:10 AM

Just speaking in raw guy-mechanics mode here... but does he masturbate a lot, alone? If so, this could be the culprit. Most guys don't prolong that process, and your body quickly can quickly become accustomed to reaching climax in minutes. And if you can climax in minutes while masturbating, then sex for more than few minutes is immensely challenging. Especially if sex is not frequent.

Just my two cents, unless there truly is some other medical or physiological issue going on with him.

confused615 posted 7/16/2013 10:21 AM

So you cried yourself to sleep..and he fell asleep..while you were crying? And he didn't hold you afterwards?

I understand,you just need to feel CLOSE to your husband,and you need to *feel* him longer than 2 minutes..not sexually..but you need that intimacy.

And he is making no effort to fix this. THIS is a huge problem. After an A,the WS needs to be more in-tuned to what their BS needs. You said you've told he knows. The problem is he is choosing to do nothing about it.

It sounds like there is very little intimacy going on.

atsenaotie posted 7/16/2013 10:22 AM

WH isn't really into cuddling after sex, and he never has been. I am, but I've just accepted that he's not into it.

Many things need to change after dday for a M to R successfully. NC with OP is not enough.

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 10:34 AM

AFAIK, he doesn't masturbate at all!

Yeah, my WH has a horrible time staying awake once he hits the bed. So more often than not, I cry myself to sleep after stuff like this happens :(

sad12008 posted 7/16/2013 10:48 AM

I'm so frustrated and upset and I'm ready to swear off sex all together because frankly, it causes more harm than good!

Anyone else have issues like this?

PS, omg this is hard to talk about! I'm so embarrassed!! I'm a fairly private person so admitting this to the "world" is so embarrassing!!

Yes , and I agree!

Though the details of the post-A sexual issues are different, the impact is the same. So emotionally I can relate to the hurt involved for you. As for the "OMG-I-can't-believe-I'm-writing-this!" sentiment... well, after having your heart stripped bare and raw by infidelity, there's a certain bond here on SI that makes even the TMI stuff seem like not such a big deal by comparison, if how I'm putting it makes any sense.

It just seems like he doesn't care enough to try to fix his issue to help me out, and it hurts me.

This is the bigger issue; I don't like this.

Lately, the only thing that happens after sex is me crying, and he falls asleep. WH isn't really into cuddling after sex, and he never has been. I am, but I've just accepted that he's not into it.

If you haven't had the conversation about your needs, than it do it. If he wants to R, then some things have to change. He's not into cuddling after sex? From what I've read, not uncommon among men. However, you're not into infidelity...and the latter trumps the former. He devastated you and your marriage. He ran you through with a rusty sword and you're trying to understand about him being squeamish at the feel of blood when you need him to apply firm pressure at the site of the wound.

I know sometimes it's hard to paint a full picture of the situation in a a post, so what I'm going off of may not be what you're living. However, I don't like the sense I've gotten about his grasp of how integral sex is to repairing the shattered intimacy of your relationship. He needs to be applying numbing cream or whatever he needs to do to go more than 2-3 minutes!

Are you guys in MC?


HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 10:49 AM

No MC. WH told me he was calling around for a therapist and once they hear that we don't have health insurance, they never call us back or return our calls.

Sal1995 posted 7/16/2013 11:03 AM

Will be sending you a p/m shortly, please delete and disregard if this violates any boundaries. If you find anything helpful, feel free to share.

Dawnie posted 7/16/2013 11:32 AM

I dealt with my XWH's sexual issues starting way back in 1997... he couldnt perform and I felt the same way you do, but there was no A at that time, just an issue he was having. At the time he was 31 years old and rugswept the issue for so long that we ended up in a sexless marriage for 7 years.....from 1999 till 2006 we did not have sex because he refused to deal with the issue. I believe that this lead to his A in 2009 and untimately destroyed our marriage.

He needs to go to a Dr to be evaluated and possibly to get Viagra to help him. This issue will eventually wear you both down and will not help your healing from the A.


HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 11:40 AM

I've been wondering about an ED med but thought those were for men who couldn't get an erection. IDK, I feel like he is so young to be dealing with this!

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 13:18 PM

You are dealing more with just not being able to last. You are dealing with some intimacy issues. If he isn't able to last for a few minutes that's one thing, and there are ways to fix that.
However it is unacceptable for you to be crying yourself to sleep after these failed attempts. If he passes out after he does the deed then you need to get his A** out of the bed immediately after and tell him you need him to make you feel safe, loved and secure. My H was never a snuggler, and when we slept it was an understanding that we did not touch each other. After the A he understood my need to feel safe and secure and would almost nightly snuggle me as he fell asleep. It helped tremendously.

I would say as far as getting him to last longer though there are a few simple tricks.
1. He needs to masturbate every other day at a minimum so that he isn't ready to pop the second he is stimulated.
2. Make him wear a condom, this decreases his sensitivity and will get you a little more time.
3. Change positions where you are in control, on top, when you see him getting close, stop. Until the sensation passes. This builds stamina.
4. Make it all about you. If you need to feel initmate after and aren't getting it, then try snuggling and holding each other before. Then allowing it to build to that.
5. For Gods Sakes do NOT be embarrassed by this. Every Adult in the world has sex, and nearly every sexually healthy person masturbates, and if they tell you they don't they are either sexually unhealthy or are lying.
6. Try not to cry during or after this can become a deterrant for males rather quickly. They know they are going to cause you grief, and therefore won't even try.
If you can focus just on the act, and not on the emotional bond for a brief period it can really change things up for both of you.
Find time for being intimate other ways for a few weeks. You may find where the real problem lies.

ED meds for those that don't need them physically can make that person the one the warnings are about. You know...."If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours..."

I hope this helps some.

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