Since my last, somewhat meaningful, post at the beginning of June, I have been in a funk. I've been searching. Searching for what? I didn't even know. I just kept reading, searching and scouring for that one "thing" that I needed. I was driving myself crazy trying to find "it", but didn't know what "it" was or where to look. I believe I was "bargaining" for the magic pill.
In that time, I managed to organize my feelings about my WH A's. All of my feelings. From how he vilified me as justification, to the emotional and sexual neglect, the physical contact and emotional sharing he had with his AP's. I had all those feelings in my head, but they were just thoughts. Running around like mad fiends who would rear their ugly heads whenever they deemed fit. I needed control. So, I began organizing. I've been organizing for over a month. I've spent days (feeling like years) in my own head shutting out the outside world just to organize. It wasn't something I did consciously. I didn't even realize at the time what I was doing. All I knew was I needed order.
Even after I completed the inventory, I was still searching for "it." Well, I found "it" yesterday. The answer I needed. The answer to the one thing I had not figured out and I have SI member inshockandhurt to thank. Her tagline was "it."
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I was stunned. I glanced over it, stopped, reread and it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me. That was my answer. That was my "it."
I went back to my now organized thoughts and began to individually accept there was no hope that those events could ever be better. I reread the emails. I revisited every conversation. I dredged up everything I had packed away in neat little boxes in my head. This was a lot harder than you'd expect. I was to the point where I told WH I wanted to separate because the cumulative pain of each thought and the realization there was no hope those events would ever be better killed me inside all over again.
Then, I poured it all onto my WH. The contents of every box in my head. It hurt and was the hardest thing I ever did. I saw the pain in his eyes as I pointed out every instance, every detail, every way I "knew" what was going on but was in denial to myself. I made a point to clearly expose every way he tried vilifying me and who was the real 'bad guy'. I could see he understood it was all him projecting on me.
You could say I showed him no mercy as I emptied my boxes. Then, I forgave. Sounds so simple, but I did. I let go of it all. I accepted there was no hope any of those past events were ever going to be better and forgave.
Had anyone told me before the "it" I was looking for was forgiveness, I would have laughed, called them crazy and noted forgiveness was light years away. "Are you insane?? How can anyone forgive betrayal such as this?!?" But, that was it. That was my answer.
Are we R'd? No.
Is R over? No.
Am I going to have good and bad days. Yes.
Will I still trigger. Yes.
Is there still much to be learned from this? Yes.
This is only a stop on our journey to R, but a stop I had to make. I'm sure many will disagree and state forgiveness is the LAST step in the process, but it simply wasn't for me. I had done all the feeling and organizing and was stuck. It was what was missing and what I needed in order to move forward. I'm glad I have empty boxes now. Now I can file away only the catalog of events into my memory bank and throw out those empty boxes that were filling my head.
So sorry this turned out as a book. I hope everyone here finds their answer. Hang in there. 
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 10:04 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
