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I Finally Have My Answer.

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HeartInADustpan posted 7/16/2013 09:56 AM

Since my last, somewhat meaningful, post at the beginning of June, I have been in a funk. I've been searching. Searching for what? I didn't even know. I just kept reading, searching and scouring for that one "thing" that I needed. I was driving myself crazy trying to find "it", but didn't know what "it" was or where to look. I believe I was "bargaining" for the magic pill.

In that time, I managed to organize my feelings about my WH A's. All of my feelings. From how he vilified me as justification, to the emotional and sexual neglect, the physical contact and emotional sharing he had with his AP's. I had all those feelings in my head, but they were just thoughts. Running around like mad fiends who would rear their ugly heads whenever they deemed fit. I needed control. So, I began organizing. I've been organizing for over a month. I've spent days (feeling like years) in my own head shutting out the outside world just to organize. It wasn't something I did consciously. I didn't even realize at the time what I was doing. All I knew was I needed order.

Even after I completed the inventory, I was still searching for "it." Well, I found "it" yesterday. The answer I needed. The answer to the one thing I had not figured out and I have SI member inshockandhurt to thank. Her tagline was "it."

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."

I was stunned. I glanced over it, stopped, reread and it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me. That was my answer. That was my "it."

I went back to my now organized thoughts and began to individually accept there was no hope that those events could ever be better. I reread the emails. I revisited every conversation. I dredged up everything I had packed away in neat little boxes in my head. This was a lot harder than you'd expect. I was to the point where I told WH I wanted to separate because the cumulative pain of each thought and the realization there was no hope those events would ever be better killed me inside all over again.

Then, I poured it all onto my WH. The contents of every box in my head. It hurt and was the hardest thing I ever did. I saw the pain in his eyes as I pointed out every instance, every detail, every way I "knew" what was going on but was in denial to myself. I made a point to clearly expose every way he tried vilifying me and who was the real 'bad guy'. I could see he understood it was all him projecting on me.

You could say I showed him no mercy as I emptied my boxes. Then, I forgave. Sounds so simple, but I did. I let go of it all. I accepted there was no hope any of those past events were ever going to be better and forgave.

Had anyone told me before the "it" I was looking for was forgiveness, I would have laughed, called them crazy and noted forgiveness was light years away. "Are you insane?? How can anyone forgive betrayal such as this?!?" But, that was it. That was my answer.

Are we R'd? No.
Is R over? No.
Am I going to have good and bad days. Yes.
Will I still trigger. Yes.
Is there still much to be learned from this? Yes.

This is only a stop on our journey to R, but a stop I had to make. I'm sure many will disagree and state forgiveness is the LAST step in the process, but it simply wasn't for me. I had done all the feeling and organizing and was stuck. It was what was missing and what I needed in order to move forward. I'm glad I have empty boxes now. Now I can file away only the catalog of events into my memory bank and throw out those empty boxes that were filling my head.

So sorry this turned out as a book. I hope everyone here finds their answer. Hang in there.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 10:04 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

JanaGreen posted 7/16/2013 10:01 AM

I am so glad you had a lightbulb moment and found some clarity. Hang in there ((hugs)).

unfound posted 7/16/2013 10:06 AM

beautifully explained.

everyones definition of "it" is unique..forgiveness, acceptance, coming to a place of peace... I'm so glad you've found your "it" and hope you continue to find many more "its" on your journey.

musiclovingmom posted 7/16/2013 10:28 AM

I actually read that tag line too. I copied it and sent it to my H - who is currently working out of town. We had a good discussion about how I know what I need to do is forgive, but I'm not ready yet. Something is holding me back. I'm so glad you're there. Wishing you luck in what's to come.

Sal1995 posted 7/16/2013 10:47 AM

I'm sure many will disagree and state forgiveness is the LAST step in the process, but it simply wasn't for me. I had done all the feeling and organizing and was stuck. It was what was missing and what I needed in order to move forward.

Beautiful post, Heart. I'm one SI member who gets what you're saying completely. Only 5 months past D Day, and last week I forgave my wife. It was the only way to get unstuck and move forward. Since that day I've had two trigger days, but instead of the bad feelings lingering for days at a time, they were resolved the same day. Me forgiving her made her feel much better, sure - but what it's done for me is indescribable. I feel like a huge burden has lifted off of my shoulders. It feels like an ugly black cloud (divorce, breaking up our children's family) is no longer hanging over our marriage.

Like you, I recently accepted that the facts of my wife's affair were not going to get any less grisly, no matter how much I analyzed them or tried to make sense of them. I think that's called acceptance. It's a beautiful thing to realize that you're beginning to free yourself from the pain caused by someone else's bad choices and behaviors .

sisoon posted 7/16/2013 13:55 PM

We all have to find our own path through recovery. I'm very glad you're finding yours, and this one sounds like a GIANT step forward for you.

Wisdom comes early to some people, I guess....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:56 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

catlover50 posted 7/16/2013 14:07 PM

Good for you, and very eloquently stated!

I have read that forgiveness is no longer letting the betrayal stand between you. I think I'm getting there.

HeartInADustpan posted 7/16/2013 18:40 PM

Thanks everyone. I do feel so much better. There still is pain, but like sisoon said, it is a giant step in the right direction. It's nice to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my healing and the mending of our M.

Teach8 posted 7/16/2013 18:48 PM very inspiring. Thank you for explaining how you got some ways it feels so much more attainable to you in this new part of your R.

Hearthache again posted 7/16/2013 23:48 PM

great post and happy you have had this enlightening event the past couple of days. Please remember that Forgiveness does not include never feeling the hurt again.

I had a light bulb moment when I realized that forgiveness did not include me giving up the feelings I felt from the betrayal.

blakesteele posted 7/17/2013 04:25 AM

I am going to think on your post for a bit...almost seems as if this is my it as well...but a part of me still wants to think on this.

Regardless...I am so happy for you!

God be with us all.

ItsaClimb posted 7/17/2013 05:02 AM

I have been wrestling with this very same thing and working out how I feel about it over the last few days too. It has been an uphill struggle for me to accept the fact that NOTHING I do/see on SI/read about etc is going to "make the A go away". Somewhere in me I have had this feeling that "something" will make it go away. Fact is, NOTHING can make it go away.

Now that I have figured this out I have to decide how I feel about that fact, and what to do about it - a part of me thinks that, having accepted that nothing I do will make it go away, maybe it is time to stop obsessively searching for the "answer"? The thing is that accepting that it isn't going to go away doesn't alleviate the pain at all. I think it boils down to the fact that the betrayal won't go away, but (hopefully!!) time will ease the pain of the betrayal.

blakesteele posted 7/17/2013 06:16 AM


more then once I have felt we were on schedule, in rhythm with each other. This is yet another one of those moments.


Maybe I too am moving in this healthy direction.
God be with us all.


It DOES seem more attainable now. Inspiring....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:23 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

CrappyLife posted 7/17/2013 06:44 AM

Holy shit.. What a goosebump moment. I am shaking and about to cry..

I just read upto the quote in your post and just had to say THANKS.

CrappyLife posted 7/17/2013 06:53 AM

I was stunned. I glanced over it, stopped, reread and it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me.

OMG! Exactly what I am going through right now. I cant really express myself right now. Your post has resonated with me so much. Like my whole reason for reading for hours and hours on SI has finally borne fruit. Thanks Heart.

That elusive thing which has deserted me since D-Day. Nothing I did or read ever give me that 'thing'. That power to move on. One small line changes it - Is it that simple? Maybe I need to think a lot more about this post.

ETA - This is the first post that I have ever printed off SI.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 6:56 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

HeartInADustpan posted 7/17/2013 07:32 AM

I can't tell you guys how happy it makes me that my "it" is helping you. Truly. I have found so much support from SI and it feels great to be able to give a little back.

blakesteele posted 7/17/2013 08:14 AM


That is the biggest e-hug I have ever given a member here....wish I could do more to show my appreciation.

tushnurse posted 7/17/2013 08:42 AM


It is a moment of relief and revelation when you figure it out.
You have stated it so beautifully too.

I remember finally being able to accept that what he did was his choice, and that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change it, or make it have happened any differently.
I knew we were going to make it through R at that point since he got it by then too. He was doing the hard work to fix him. But I couldn't let go of the months of lies, and betrayals so quickly. It took me almost 2 years to really forgive him. It took 2 years for me to tell him I had forgiven him. It meant more to me than it did to him. It allowed me to not only put the stuff in the boxes like you say, but to actually close them up, with packing tape, label and move them to the attic.

Your right your not Done with R. But you are making a huge step forward here.

((((and strength))))

Twentyplus posted 7/17/2013 11:52 AM

This was emotional to read. Over a year ago I felt something like that tidal wave of "it" pour out of me. Then, two more months of TT erased my internal access to the acceptance. Now, the forgiveness comes in bits and pieces, stops and starts, as if my eyes are gradually adjusting to the shadowy detail of objects on a moonless night.

Ellephantastic posted 7/17/2013 12:56 PM

Glad you found your 'it', right now I'm not sure I am even looking for an 'it'

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