In that time, I managed to organize my feelings about my WH A's. All of my feelings. From how he vilified me as justification, to the emotional and sexual neglect, the physical contact and emotional sharing he had with his AP's. I had all those feelings in my head, but they were just thoughts. Running around like mad fiends who would rear their ugly heads whenever they deemed fit. I needed control. So, I began organizing. I've been organizing for over a month. I've spent days (feeling like years) in my own head shutting out the outside world just to organize. It wasn't something I did consciously. I didn't even realize at the time what I was doing. All I knew was I needed order.
Even after I completed the inventory, I was still searching for "it." Well, I found "it" yesterday. The answer I needed. The answer to the one thing I had not figured out and I have SI member inshockandhurt to thank. Her tagline was "it."
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I was stunned. I glanced over it, stopped, reread and it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me. That was my answer. That was my "it."
I went back to my now organized thoughts and began to individually accept there was no hope that those events could ever be better. I reread the emails. I revisited every conversation. I dredged up everything I had packed away in neat little boxes in my head. This was a lot harder than you'd expect. I was to the point where I told WH I wanted to separate because the cumulative pain of each thought and the realization there was no hope those events would ever be better killed me inside all over again.
Then, I poured it all onto my WH. The contents of every box in my head. It hurt and was the hardest thing I ever did. I saw the pain in his eyes as I pointed out every instance, every detail, every way I "knew" what was going on but was in denial to myself. I made a point to clearly expose every way he tried vilifying me and who was the real 'bad guy'. I could see he understood it was all him projecting on me.
You could say I showed him no mercy as I emptied my boxes. Then, I forgave. Sounds so simple, but I did. I let go of it all. I accepted there was no hope any of those past events were ever going to be better and forgave.
Had anyone told me before the "it" I was looking for was forgiveness, I would have laughed, called them crazy and noted forgiveness was light years away. "Are you insane?? How can anyone forgive betrayal such as this?!?" But, that was it. That was my answer.
Are we R'd? No. Is R over? No. Am I going to have good and bad days. Yes. Will I still trigger. Yes. Is there still much to be learned from this? Yes.
This is only a stop on our journey to R, but a stop I had to make. I'm sure many will disagree and state forgiveness is the LAST step in the process, but it simply wasn't for me. I had done all the feeling and organizing and was stuck. It was what was missing and what I needed in order to move forward. I'm glad I have empty boxes now. Now I can file away only the catalog of events into my memory bank and throw out those empty boxes that were filling my head.
So sorry this turned out as a book. I hope everyone here finds their answer. Hang in there.
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 10:04 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
everyones definition of "it" is unique..forgiveness, acceptance, coming to a place of peace... I'm so glad you've found your "it" and hope you continue to find many more "its" on your journey.
I'm sure many will disagree and state forgiveness is the LAST step in the process, but it simply wasn't for me. I had done all the feeling and organizing and was stuck. It was what was missing and what I needed in order to move forward.
Beautiful post, Heart. I'm one SI member who gets what you're saying completely. Only 5 months past D Day, and last week I forgave my wife. It was the only way to get unstuck and move forward. Since that day I've had two trigger days, but instead of the bad feelings lingering for days at a time, they were resolved the same day. Me forgiving her made her feel much better, sure - but what it's done for me is indescribable. I feel like a huge burden has lifted off of my shoulders. It feels like an ugly black cloud (divorce, breaking up our children's family) is no longer hanging over our marriage.
Like you, I recently accepted that the facts of my wife's affair were not going to get any less grisly, no matter how much I analyzed them or tried to make sense of them. I think that's called acceptance. It's a beautiful thing to realize that you're beginning to free yourself from the pain caused by someone else's bad choices and behaviors .
Wisdom comes early to some people, I guess....
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:56 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
I have read that forgiveness is no longer letting the betrayal stand between you. I think I'm getting there.
I had a light bulb moment when I realized that forgiveness did not include me giving up the feelings I felt from the betrayal.
This too shall pass I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Regardless...I am so happy for you!
God be with us all.
Now that I have figured this out I have to decide how I feel about that fact, and what to do about it - a part of me thinks that, having accepted that nothing I do will make it go away, maybe it is time to stop obsessively searching for the "answer"? The thing is that accepting that it isn't going to go away doesn't alleviate the pain at all. I think it boils down to the fact that the betrayal won't go away, but (hopefully!!) time will ease the pain of the betrayal.
more then once I have felt we were on schedule, in rhythm with each other. This is yet another one of those moments.
(((catlover50)))
Maybe I too am moving in this healthy direction. God be with us all.
(((teach8)))
It DOES seem more attainable now. Inspiring....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:23 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
I just read upto the quote in your post and just had to say THANKS.
Don't know where we are headed..
I was stunned. I glanced over it, stopped, reread and it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me.
OMG! Exactly what I am going through right now. I cant really express myself right now. Your post has resonated with me so much. Like my whole reason for reading for hours and hours on SI has finally borne fruit. Thanks Heart.
That elusive thing which has deserted me since D-Day. Nothing I did or read ever give me that 'thing'. That power to move on. One small line changes it - Is it that simple? Maybe I need to think a lot more about this post.
ETA - This is the first post that I have ever printed off SI.
[This message edited by CrappyLife at 6:56 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
That is the biggest e-hug I have ever given a member here....wish I could do more to show my appreciation.
It is a moment of relief and revelation when you figure it out. You have stated it so beautifully too.
I remember finally being able to accept that what he did was his choice, and that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change it, or make it have happened any differently. I knew we were going to make it through R at that point since he got it by then too. He was doing the hard work to fix him. But I couldn't let go of the months of lies, and betrayals so quickly. It took me almost 2 years to really forgive him. It took 2 years for me to tell him I had forgiven him. It meant more to me than it did to him. It allowed me to not only put the stuff in the boxes like you say, but to actually close them up, with packing tape, label and move them to the attic.
Your right your not Done with R. But you are making a huge step forward here.
((((and strength))))
"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"
