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when it hurts to stay

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undonelife posted 7/16/2013 11:15 AM

What do you do when it hurts to stay? When he hugs me, calls me, has sex with me. It all reminds me of what he's done and him being with her. Im asking myself "did he do this with her"? Just being with him is painful. How do you reconcile when it hurts to be together? MC says I should let him comfort me, that we should keep the emotional connection between us strong, but it hurts! What do the rest of you do?

FaithFool posted 7/16/2013 11:45 AM

I divorced him.

I also never had sex with him after DDay. It would have been just too insulting since I got a lovely STD from the last time I welcomed him into my bed.

When you realize that they made a conscious *choice* to do those things, that's the biggest mindfuck.

Each situation is different, and you probably want to give it more time, like another six months perhaps, but if you don't feel you can manage reconciliation, THAT'S OK.

Big hugs. Nothing about this is easy or fun.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:46 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

sodamnlost posted 7/16/2013 12:39 PM


So sorry you are hurting.

I am here as well. We have similar Ddays. Most days, he makes it harder for me, yet I am still here. I have bad days when not with him but they seem so much worse when I am with him. Some days he comforts me and makes me feel better but most days - HE is still my biggest trigger. I keep thinking it's been almost a damn year already. My reality is with months of him lying, while I have been suffering for 10 months, his "attempts" at real remorse just started only 4 months ago.

Not sue how healthy my current plan is but basically I want my M but only if WH does the work - FOR REAL. I am staying and getting my ducks in a row, knowing either option is a likely ending for us. If we do end up in a true R, the money saved can be spent on the honeymoon we never took. In the meantime, I am working wicked hard on fixing my own shit (and Lord knows my list is honestly JUST as long as his is).


Alex CR posted 7/16/2013 13:13 PM

So sorry you are here but people here at SI can help you through this.

The saying here is it takes 2-5 years to heal. As we approach the four year mark, I think that timeframe is right on target for us.

You just started this roller coaster and time can help R if the spouse is remorseful, transparent and working hard to do what you need to heal. At nine months out from Dday I was so angry at my H, I was breaking dishes and yelling.....for the first few months after Dday, I was in shock and so broken and really didn't strike out at my H. There are different stages and different solutions for us all, but the one thing I think helped most at SI was people telling me I didn't have to make any life changing decisions right away....many recommended waiting a year and I'm glad I did. My emotional roller coaster was all over the place for the year after Dday. It wasn't until I got through the worst of the pain and then the anger that I could really see we might be able to make it together.

I've spent my adult life with my H and this had been the most difficult time in our relationship, but we both work hard at being a couple again and being attentive to each other's needs.

Have you read Five Languages Yet? It helped my H and I understand each other better even though we've been together since our 20's. How about IC for you? It helped me to talk with a good IC who was capable of helping me look at my actions and my feelings logically instead of with so much emotion.

Most of all take good care of yourself and know that for some people infidelity is a deal breaker. But you don't have to make that decision today or even next month...You can decide when you really know what you want and there is no deadline for that.

undonelife posted 7/16/2013 13:34 PM

We r in MC & have both had some IC. He is remorseful & trying to step up. He has self esteem issues other issues and we r working thru things in counseling. We do Mc/IC together. I want him to be open in front of me and work out his issues cause I need to know he is digging deep. I need him ti bd willing to lay open his soul in front of me. Like faithfool said above The whole mindfuck that he consciously chose this is holding me back. He knew It would kill me as we had discussed affairs during dating & all thru our marriage. my 1st marriage ended because he cheated. He knew& he did it on purpose. That'll be the thing that makes me walk if I can't get past it. I've got 28 years invested in this man plus 2 teens. It's hard to walk away.

undonelife posted 7/16/2013 13:41 PM

Alex CR: yes we have read 5 Love languages. 1st time about 15 years ago! We've been to all kinds of marriage retreats/conferences. He has been in men's groups where they discuss marriage. Weve been in church all our lives. He knew better. He claims he had some kind if breakdown or MLC. That he was out of his head & out of control. Well.... Maybe but there were other ways to handle your emotions. It's too much to handle for me some days.

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