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I don't even feel like I have a mother anymore...

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She11ybeanz posted 7/16/2013 11:17 AM

My mom called my sister today asking her if she cared if she didn't attend my daughter (her ONLY granddaughter's) 1st birthday in a couple of weeks. My sister told her that she would be very mad at her because its not about her or me...its about Piper!

She told my sister that I hurt HER feelings. Um...she is the one that insulted me and my daughter during the whole last visit.....and then when I defended myself later....she got mad and told me that she can live without the person I am now and if I find the "old me" to let her know.

She can go to hell.

But, it still hurts. I only have my sister and my dad left...and I feel like I'm hanging on to what little family I have left for dear life....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:17 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

ExposedNiblet posted 7/16/2013 12:05 PM

(((shelly & Piper))))

She sounds so toxic.

I'm sorry Honey.

((((((shelly & Piper))))))

meaniemouse posted 7/16/2013 12:06 PM

I am so sorry Shelly--I know mother/daughter relationships can be difficult but you've spoken so many times about how you mother has treated you and it always breaks my heart for you. Unfortunately not all women have the "mom" gene--the one that is caring, nurturing and capable of unconditional love. I'm sure she has stuff in her history that has caused her to be this way and while you can feel sorry about that for her--you have to protect yourself and your baby girl from that kind of nonsense for your own good. If she can't understand that you need support, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on and an every-so-often sitter for your precious little girl--well I sure hope you have a circle of supportive women who can be there for you since your mom can't. Heck if you lived around here I would gladly fill in. Hugs, Sweetie.

foreverempty posted 7/16/2013 12:25 PM

Shelly I feel for you. As has been said already you've posted about similar a few times now.

It's her loss not yours. As long as you keep the option of communication open and invite her to family do's then you've done all you can.

When Piper asks in the future you can be honest when you tell her you did all you could to keep her in your daughters life.

She11ybeanz posted 7/16/2013 13:22 PM

Thanks everyone....I'm just at a loss. I feel like I've tried...but I'm at the point where NC works best for me because I was taught "if you don't have anything nice to say...say nothing at all..."

Pentup posted 7/16/2013 14:03 PM

Ditto Meaniemouse's entire post. ((Shelleybeanz))

Crescita posted 7/16/2013 14:18 PM

(((Shellybeanz)))

when I defended myself later....she got mad and told me that she can live without the person I am now and if I find the "old me" to let her know.

That is such a gross comment. How dare you grow a spine!

Your mamma is spiraling and lashing out because she is losing control of you. She wants you to feel bad and guilty and go back to being a proper doormat. Let her find somewhere else to scrape her shoes.

Piper is going to have a kick ass 1st birthday party surrounded by the people who love her the most.

She11ybeanz posted 7/16/2013 14:34 PM

Piper is going to have a kick ass 1st birthday party surrounded by the people who love her the most.

Yes. She. Is.

tesla posted 7/16/2013 14:54 PM

Shelly - my mom's mother is toxic. I remember growing up watching my mom try to jump through all of my grandma's hoops to get her approval, love, and acceptance. It was painful and sad because the location of the hoops kept changing. My mom could never do right by my grandma. Finally, at the age of 50, my mom said enough. She stopped playing the game. Has only had a couple of conversations with her mother in the last dozen years. Of my grandma's 7 grandchildren, only one remains in contact with her. I will occassionally write her a letter...but seeing how tormented my mom was because of her treatment just killed me. I was so relieved and happy that mom cut grandma out of her life. She is clearly happier without the toxicity in her life.

I'm sorry Shelly, it sucks. But it's her loss.

She11ybeanz posted 7/16/2013 15:08 PM

I agree. I guess I never saw this coming. Ever since she became a WS and left dad after 32 years of marriage (2 weeks before my D Day in 2009!).... she expects my sister and I to accept her new boyfriend (MOM - ironic and still not officially divorced after 3 years) and she expects us to just forgive and forget. Then, when we "try" to act normal and move on....she is rude, makes mean comments, and expects us to just take it. She also refuses to make any effort whatsoever in visiting my daughter. The only times she has seen her in the past 11 months of her life is when we have brought her to see her (with the exception of 3 times.) Once at the hospital the day she was born (my mom left and never came back to visit me), once a week later (because my sister gave her a guilt trip), and once at my sister's house while my sister was watching her(because she was really there to bum some of my sister's medication from her - my sister has cerebral palsy).

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Kajem posted 7/16/2013 15:12 PM

Shelly,

Your mom sounds a lot like mine, unfortunately.

Have you ever read the book, " Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown? It helped me put somethings into perspective with my mother. I have learned to take very little that she says personally... but to always correct her misconceptions (lies) about my life, my kids, my grandkid.

You are an awesome mom, and a great person. learn from her example of what not to do to Piper. I did took that lesson... my relationship with my girls is very different than I had/have with my mother.... for that I am grateful.

Hugs,

K

cmego posted 7/16/2013 16:14 PM

My Mom is not like yours, but in the same token, she has no interest in my life beyond very superficial. When I tried talking to her last year, she would say, "Why can't you just get over this???" Then we would go a month or two without talking.

When I complained to my IC, she said, "cmego, your mother is not and never will be emotional support for you. Stop treating her like she will be." Lightbulb!! Just like ex, I can't expect her to be someone she isn't...just because she is my Mom.

She is a good person, but we were not an emotionally connected family. Rug sweepers was more like it.

So, I stopped expecting her to be emotional support and although everything is much more superficial now, it is peaceful.

(((shelly)))

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