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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: I don't even feel like I have a mother anymore...
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Sad  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom called my sister today asking her if she cared if she didn't attend my daughter (her ONLY granddaughter's) 1st birthday in a couple of weeks. My sister told her that she would be very mad at her because its not about her or me...its about Piper!

She told my sister that I hurt HER feelings. Um...she is the one that insulted me and my daughter during the whole last visit.....and then when I defended myself later....she got mad and told me that she can live without the person I am now and if I find the "old me" to let her know.

She can go to hell.

But, it still hurts. I only have my sister and my dad left...and I feel like I'm hanging on to what little family I have left for dear life....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:17 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ExposedNiblet
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((shelly & Piper))))

She sounds so toxic.

I'm sorry Honey.

((((((shelly & Piper))))))


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
meaniemouse
♀ 10798
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry Shelly--I know mother/daughter relationships can be difficult but you've spoken so many times about how you mother has treated you and it always breaks my heart for you. Unfortunately not all women have the "mom" gene--the one that is caring, nurturing and capable of unconditional love. I'm sure she has stuff in her history that has caused her to be this way and while you can feel sorry about that for her--you have to protect yourself and your baby girl from that kind of nonsense for your own good. If she can't understand that you need support, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on and an every-so-often sitter for your precious little girl--well I sure hope you have a circle of supportive women who can be there for you since your mom can't. Heck if you lived around here I would gladly fill in. Hugs, Sweetie.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2140 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
foreverempty
♂ 34426
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly I feel for you. As has been said already you've posted about similar a few times now.

It's her loss not yours. As long as you keep the option of communication open and invite her to family do's then you've done all you can.

When Piper asks in the future you can be honest when you tell her you did all you could to keep her in your daughters life.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone....I'm just at a loss. I feel like I've tried...but I'm at the point where NC works best for me because I was taught "if you don't have anything nice to say...say nothing at all..."


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto Meaniemouse's entire post. ((Shelleybeanz))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6682 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shellybeanz)))

when I defended myself later....she got mad and told me that she can live without the person I am now and if I find the "old me" to let her know.

That is such a gross comment. How dare you grow a spine!

Your mamma is spiraling and lashing out because she is losing control of you. She wants you to feel bad and guilty and go back to being a proper doormat. Let her find somewhere else to scrape her shoes.

Piper is going to have a kick ass 1st birthday party surrounded by the people who love her the most.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Piper is going to have a kick ass 1st birthday party surrounded by the people who love her the most.

Yes. She. Is.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly - my mom's mother is toxic. I remember growing up watching my mom try to jump through all of my grandma's hoops to get her approval, love, and acceptance. It was painful and sad because the location of the hoops kept changing. My mom could never do right by my grandma. Finally, at the age of 50, my mom said enough. She stopped playing the game. Has only had a couple of conversations with her mother in the last dozen years. Of my grandma's 7 grandchildren, only one remains in contact with her. I will occassionally write her a letter...but seeing how tormented my mom was because of her treatment just killed me. I was so relieved and happy that mom cut grandma out of her life. She is clearly happier without the toxicity in her life.

I'm sorry Shelly, it sucks. But it's her loss.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4746 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Helpless  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I guess I never saw this coming. Ever since she became a WS and left dad after 32 years of marriage (2 weeks before my D Day in 2009!).... she expects my sister and I to accept her new boyfriend (MOM - ironic and still not officially divorced after 3 years) and she expects us to just forgive and forget. Then, when we "try" to act normal and move on....she is rude, makes mean comments, and expects us to just take it. She also refuses to make any effort whatsoever in visiting my daughter. The only times she has seen her in the past 11 months of her life is when we have brought her to see her (with the exception of 3 times.) Once at the hospital the day she was born (my mom left and never came back to visit me), once a week later (because my sister gave her a guilt trip), and once at my sister's house while my sister was watching her(because she was really there to bum some of my sister's medication from her - my sister has cerebral palsy).

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

Your mom sounds a lot like mine, unfortunately.

Have you ever read the book, " Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown? It helped me put somethings into perspective with my mother. I have learned to take very little that she says personally... but to always correct her misconceptions (lies) about my life, my kids, my grandkid.

You are an awesome mom, and a great person. learn from her example of what not to do to Piper. I did took that lesson... my relationship with my girls is very different than I had/have with my mother.... for that I am grateful.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5552 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Mom is not like yours, but in the same token, she has no interest in my life beyond very superficial. When I tried talking to her last year, she would say, "Why can't you just get over this???" Then we would go a month or two without talking.

When I complained to my IC, she said, "cmego, your mother is not and never will be emotional support for you. Stop treating her like she will be." Lightbulb!! Just like ex, I can't expect her to be someone she isn't...just because she is my Mom.

She is a good person, but we were not an emotionally connected family. Rug sweepers was more like it.

So, I stopped expecting her to be emotional support and although everything is much more superficial now, it is peaceful.

(((shelly)))


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 12

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