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glastron posted 7/16/2013 11:35 AM

Having a hard time getting past other people's ignorance about infidelity. People still think if it wasn't a physically sexual relationship then it was no big deal. People think there had to be a problem with me or the marriage for this to happen. When I called our pastor his response was "marriage is work". Like someone how I didn't work as hard as someone whose marriage didn't succumb to infidelity. My MIL said "I guess you just don't know what is going on behind close doors". Like we must have had problems that drove my husband to this. She brought up some picture that he didn't look right in. I look around when I'm out and pay attention to other couples, I talk to other women. We were not any different as a couple or marriage then most. I just hate all these excuses/blame being insinuated by other people. Is there a good way to deal with this. It is hard to get past when my husband and the ow are living with no guilt or blame apparently.

solus sto posted 7/16/2013 13:08 PM

I know it's very difficult, but it's really important to detach from things you cannot control.

Dealing with infidelity is hard enough when dealing just with what you can control!

So, I'd recommend revising your expectations of others. You're not going to change the way anyone else thinks, feels, or behaves. There's no point trying.

Focus on what you can change. Take care of you.

It's tremendously freeing.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/16/2013 13:16 PM

oh my gosh YES! This is why I came here. I was asking ppl what to do with our marriage since last novemeber and everyone seemed to some how blame it on me or think they were so immune or what is wrong with us ??? I felt even worse. Liek I couldn't even ask for help since apparently no one was dealing with this.

In our church group I brought this up and multiple ppl kept assuming that i was somehow to blame. Well, they would say you better look at what YOU did to cause this.

I did NOTHING! I swear I did not. I posted in another thread that I have always met my husbands needs. the problem is his.

they would immediately say, well maybe you weren't giving him sex. NO. He got plenty of sex. They they alluded to the fact that I wasn't good in bed and thats why he went lookign i wasn't kinky enough or sexy enough or etc..NO! I did meet his needs.

The reason my husband looked elsewhere is all his problems.

I only realized this when I came here. My husband has the problems not me. Also,

cancuncrushed posted 7/16/2013 14:03 PM

Sadly we all desperately search for that perfect answer. We do learn alot of things, especially here. But I think we never really know the answer. I personally, am very sick of the excuse of H being ignored after the children were born. Its been happening for hundreds of years. And in my case, he worked in other states. I ignored him in the short visit? No, I was angry for being alone for years. Maybe I was ignored while he traveled!!!! I just hear the neglect story so much I want to

wanttogoforward posted 7/16/2013 16:21 PM

Sorry- I refuse to take the blame for a cheater's behavior1 They actively choose to do what they do- at some point they know what they are doing is wrong and will be hurtful to the person they claim to love... and still they consciously go forward.... they know when hiding texts they are doing wrong... when emailing... when flirting in person.. when touching... and 1,000% when having sex with someone else..... and they still do it....

My response to anyone with enough nerve to say it was somehow my fault would be, "I'll take responsibility for 50% of the marriage"..... the other 50% is HIS! And the A is 100% HIS... he made a choice... you didn't get a choice as you were dragged into this.

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