H and I discussed the A last night. It had been awhile in spite of me telling him how unhappy I felt that we were not talking about it.
He said that he never knows how to bring it up. Anyway, during our conversation he said that although he doesn't want to minimize the damage his A has had on me and our marriage, he never really considered it as very important.
Yes, it went on for a long time, but that is just because he didn't know how to end it.
All the while, being so busy with work, sports, family stuff etc. he never had time to really think about what he was doing or how it might effect "us".
His married employee made everything so easy. She was not demanding of anything more from him than dinners together, hotel stays, the occasional overnight stay together, talking, drinking and sex at the office. She wanted it to be kept a secret also as she claimed she didn't want to leave her husband and child.
H figured that no one would know so therefore would not be hurt. He never once thought that his other relationship could be hurting our marriage. maneuver once considered any fallout.
He did say that on the rare occasions when he felt that maybe what he was doing was wrong, he quickly put it out of his mind. (compartmentalized)
He was unaware that I was feeling lonely and unfulfilled in spite of the fact that he withdrew emotionally and physically from me.
He thought that we were "good" even though he would be cold and mean at times, and lost all interest in having see with me or doing anything with me apart from family things.
He still says there was no emotional attachment to the OW even though their relationship lasted longer than our (exclusive) marriage. He just never wanted to take the steps to change anything.
OK so maybe I sound like I do understand his reasonings, but how the hell can I ever accept that?
I don't believe that he intentionally wanted to hurt me, but he didn't try to protect me either in spite of the fact that "he loved me".
And although he sounds sincere, I just CAN'T believe that in 15 years, he never gave what he was doing more than a cumulative few minutes of consideration.
I am STILL wrestling with this EVERYDAY.
Please help me.