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Shouldn't I be better by now...

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dovetool posted 7/16/2013 12:17 PM

I feel like I may not be able to do this anymore. My WH had a 2.5 year affair and left me for the OW. We got back together in April 2012 but I didnt find out the truth of how long the affair was and with who (it was someone I knew pretty well) until Sept 2012. I found out by pulling old phone records... he didnt come clean.

We've talked about my WH's affair a million times the last 10 months. It's not helping anymore. I feel like Im drowning and that I made a huge mistake walking into Reconciliation. I would NEVER have done it had I known the full truth of his A when we started R.

He's been great I guess. But I still believe what I believe is true. I don't believe things he says. I do believe he's done this before and I was just too stupid and naive to catch him. I have a newborn with him and I love this little baby. But I still dont feel great about him. I lost everything because of this man... things I'll never get back.

The way he is now, would have been a slice of heaven to me before I found out about his affair. He's been loving and affectionate and caring. He puts my needs before his and those things have kept me here working on recovery. But it's still so hard. Is it suppose to be this hard? I hate him sometimes... I really really do.

I think about seperation and divorcing every day. Why does it seem to be getting harder? Shouldn't it be better by now.

Lucky posted 7/16/2013 12:55 PM

If you don't believe him, trust him or feel safe with remorse & disclosure then you'll have a very hard time having a successful R.
Have you gone to any kind of counseling to give you both the tools you need to communicate better?

doesitgetbetter posted 7/16/2013 13:25 PM

Well Dove, it really sounds pretty common. You're coming close to the 2nd year, and many people post that the 2nd year is HARDER than the 1st. The 1st year is full of anger, shock, and fresh wounds. The 2nd year is full of the sadness of reality setting in, the true scope of what was lost and risked, the depth of the pain and anguish while fighting to reach acceptance.

I can tell you that literally almost every day from month 10ish through month 24ish, I told my H I wanted a divorce, and I meant it each and every time. I almost gave up more times than I breathed during that 2nd year. It was dark, lonely, and just awful. I struggled with the concerns of if this was truly a dealbreaker, or if I wanted to continue working on my M. Basically, the 2nd year I fully gave up, but my H never did. You can read detailed timelines in my profile if you want.

I can also tell you that around the 30 month mark (so 2.5 years), I was actually able to fully forgive my H. I swung so far from wanting to D every day to reaching forgiveness just 6 month later, but I won't lie, it was HARD. Does that mean that you'll follow the same path? No. But it might give you some hope.

They say it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair, and they are all very smart people who say such things. There is still so very far to go Dove.

sisoon posted 7/16/2013 14:06 PM

This is very tough (impossible, IMO) to deal with in the virtual world. If you're not in IC, I encourage you to consider it. Here's why:

There are a number of possible explanations for what you're feeling. It could be a normal part of the process of healing, but it could be a healthy inner voice telling you the A is a deal breaker. And those aren't the only 2 explanations.

By all means, keep posting as you learn more about your feelings - feedback could be very helpful to you on this - but IRL conversation would be even more helpful. JMO, of course.

A newborn - how wonderful! Remember - you WILL sleep again. Sometime. Best wishes for his health and happiness - and for yours, too..

(((dovetool)))

ladies_first posted 7/16/2013 14:39 PM

If you've got a newborn in the house, it's likely your hormones and emotions are on a ride of their own.

Have you two considered MC as a safe place to air past and present disappointments?

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