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User Topic: Leaving the past in the past
whatnow999
♂ 35494
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When can the past be left in the past? Is there an expiration date on the As...

My BW and I have been discussing this over the past few nights, and we seem to be disagreeing. She feels like I'm being too detached, and I feel like she is being too emotional. We seem to have this issue a lot. I'm not detached, and I am as guilty as she is in letting my emotions get the best of me, but I think I'm able to control that part of myself better. I just think that bringing up the As and all that pain now, and on a regular basis is not for the best.

I'm not exactly sure how much emotion one is supposed to have about something that has happened, been discussed, and moved on from. In our case, my affairs ended last year. There was a period of time in which they were a huge part of our lives, but that time has passed. I don't see the need to discuss them on a regular basis. Is that wrong? If a new question arises that is actually important, then we should totally talk about it, but just taking ourselves back to that place doesn't seem like the best idea, if you can avoid it.

That isn't to say I'm refusing to discuss the topic, or answer questions, but more that I feel like we would be best served focusing on higher priorities. I look back at the amount of time, pain, money, and stress that was expended with the actual affairs, the fallout, and everything and I just think if we made a conscious decision then to move on, and leave it in the past it would have been better. Every moment we talk about the affairs, and fight, argue, cry is time and effort being stolen from more important things like our children, our family, and our lives today.

What happened was fucked up on my part, and I accept and understand that. What happened, happened though. I cannot go back and change who I was at the time, or who I was for most of our relationship. I am ashamed, and I have regrets but I realize all I can control is the future. I wish I could change what I did, but I can't. I think I've realized what I did wrong, and made corrections. Talking about things that happened in 2005 is not productive now, in my opinion.

Saying something like that seems like I'm being dismissive, and heartless. Which I am not trying to be, but it is what I believe. I have no desire to rehash the past at this point, and I think that is for the best. Not for me personally, but because its been talked to death. She'll always have doubts, and there is nothing we can do about that now. I am very willing to discuss infidelity/boundaries/relationships with other women as it relates to us today.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I want to you would get me kicked off this forum. What I WILL say is have you done any reading on how trauma affects a person? She needs to ask questions over and over so she can process this. It wiill NEVER be in the past, not for her. Are you good with that?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5735 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
whatnow999
♂ 35494
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I struggle with is that it seems like it is so easy for me to just separate these things and realize that it is best to leave what happened in the past. I don't think the point if it is possible to forget and move on is best is debatable. The issue is if it is possible. For me, I think it is.

For her, it may not be, and I struggle with understanding that. Why can I do it, and she can't? I am committed to our marriage, so yes, I accept that it may never be in the past.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops. Double.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 12:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking about things that happened in 2005 is not productive now, in my opinion.
Ah, but if I recall, your wife didn't know about 2005 till last year. And honestly, doesn't matter if she knew in 2005 or 2013.

My crap began in 2004-ish. We were married a year and some change. Did we call it an A? No. But there was serious issues and my husband knew something was up. Just couldn't quite put his finger on it. Now today, after all the devastation I've caused, we know what I was doing back then, we know how it happened, why it happened, etc.

And guess what? My husband is reprocessing that mess. He's going back in his mind, analyzing all my behaviors then, looking at all the red flags, and seeing it all in a completely different light. Who am I to say, "Ya know Babe, that was such a long time ago. Let's focus on today. Isn't the sky so blue!? Talk about riveting!"

He suffered a trauma. And he is still dealing with it. I'm not going to put an expiration date on when we're officially done talking about my crap decisions, package it all up with a pretty bow, and cram that sucker on a shelf. He talks as long as he needs to. And I'm ok with that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stilllovinghim
♀ 29971
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hope this post doesn't blow up and result in you leaving or dismissing the advice, not saying that's what's happened thus far but the topic and POV can be a hot button around here.

I'm not saying that to discourage you from posting but just as a bit of advice. Nothing is taboo here, just know that a lot of folks here aren't going to pat your bottom and nod their heads in agreement. I'm glad you posted and are looking for help and I hope what I've been trying to delicately as possible say is understood.

Now my question is, have you read the posts here in the Wayward Forum, "How much does my BS Hurt?" &"Things That Every WS Needs To Know" I'll bump the threads since my phone can be a pain when it comes to copying and pasting text.

If you read the posts, what did you get from them? Do you feel you could relate to any of it? Was there anything about it you didn't agree with or understand? I think reading those two posts and coming back to this thread will really help as a "jumping-off" point.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:57 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people are good at compartmentalizing - some aren't. I would guess you are. You can tie it all up in a box in the back of your mind never to be thought of again. My H is the same way. It's a convenient way to rugsweep, IMO.

I would bet JM is not a compartmentalizer. Nor am I. I can tell you 7 years out we still talk about it - not as frequently, and it doesn't bring the gamut of emotions with it that it used to, but it is still part of who we are and it will be FOREVER. It's like a scar - never goes away; it is there as a reminder of what happened.

You guys are only about a year out. That is such a short amount of time. Add to that the pregnancy and new baby, her processing has been interrupted by life events. Cut her some slack and have some compassion. I can tell you that there is nothing worse for a BS than a WS that has the "just get over it and stop thinking about it already" attitude.

This kind of trauma is often compared to grieving. She is grieving the man she thought you were vs the man you were vs the man you claim to become. Can you wrap your mind around that, considering your long list of misbehaviors? It's a lot. And there are a lot of stages of grief - read up on them, and you will understand that this roller coaster goes on indefinitely. If she had lost a child or a parent or a close friend just a year ago, would you be telling her to just bury it and move on? I would hope not.

ETA: You say you think you have figured out why you behaved so shamelessly during your entire relationship with JM. Have you worked through that in counseling? What have you done to make her feel safe? What changes have you made? These aren't necessarily questions to answer here, but with JM. In the past you have had the attitude of
"I am who I am."
"I like me"
"If I change,I will lose a part of me that is important"

Have you worked on that attitude? Again, not trying to call you out in "public," but these are topics you and JM should be continually discussing as a couple as well as in counseling.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 1:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6731 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
TXwifemom
♀ 37945
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she was abused as a child, and wanted to cry on your shoulder 30 years later, would you tell her she needs to let it go? Or would you be there?

The only difference is that you did this to her. And she has to deal with the questions and with you still.

We are a year out almost. I can tell you if my WH even hinted that he was tired of hearing it, I would call my attorney in the morning.

Just some thoughts from someone with the same timeline....


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
callmecrazy
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see no stop sign. You sound a lot like my WH, so maybe I can try to put down something to help you understand this.

Yes, you are making steps to change. It can be appreciated and noticed by your W even though it may not be doing you any good at getting trust yet. You lied to her (if you TT'd just multiply the issues it caused her)for most of your marriage and basically 10years. Do you think that w 6 months good behavior she's ready to open up completely and let the guard down and not still be terrified of getting her guts ripped out again? MY WH was good (i thought) for 3 years after his initial offenses and BAM there went everything so he has to accept that no matter how hard I try, it will take him several years of me being a skeptic before I really can feel ok letting my guard down. My counselor gave me a timeline for these things that said it takes around 1 year for every 7 to really recover from these kinds of things. It took my mom 2 years to forgive my dad fully and move on after @ year of her wondering him doing TT and finally coming 100% clean.

This will take time, it will take consistency and it will take tons of work and effort. Just because she is very untrusting of you does not mean she isnt trying to work on it necessarily. IC for both of you is a good idea if you both arent already.

I read some of your other posts before commenting, you seem more concerned with it being noted you are being a good boy now than you do healing her from almost 10 years of what she likely feels was a sham marriage. Just because you may have changed overnight doesnt mean she can and if you really want to R you are going to have to show her you finally showed up to this marriage ready to go and accept its not going to be easy. And TRUST ME, if you are truly changing, she's noticing but it will take time for her to acknowledge it.

Kind of a, dont think Im gonna give you a cookie for doing what you are supposed to have been doing mindset.

I hope you didnt think this was crappy. I get things must be hard for a wayward trying bc as a BS i can say sometimes I am crazy at best and my mood swings can be borderline bipolarish. I just hope it helps you maybe see some of her thoughts and fears. Everyday Im waiting to find out the change isnt real yet. Ive known what he's done all along and he's been good to my knowledge for 2 months, but I question everything bc of the last 6 years.



Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that you are really understanding that your A's are the past for you, but still the present for your BW. You lived through them, you know what happened--you have a big advantage here with regard to putting it in the past. Many people question the 2-5 year timeline for healing, but I have lived it and as far as I am concerned, it is very accurate. Your A ended last year--way too soon to be expecting your BW to begin putting it in the past.

She will at some point be able to do it. But every time you insist that she should, it delays her healing and hence delays that happening. You need to be prepared to be loving, kind and patient with her feelings re your A's until . . . . until she feels better. Under the right circumstances, she will eventually feel better, she might not always have doubts. But you have got to stop trying to control the process.

My FWH has said these same things to me many times. He has finally stopped, because he has finally come to understand that it does not help--it hurts. You can say that it has been talked to death, but that is your assessment, not your BW's. You don't get to say what is productive, you don't get to say what helps. She does. If you want to help her, listen to her. Don't try to change her mind about her healing process or tell her what she needs to do. You do not know, as you have not been through this.

Is is wrong for you not to need to discuss these things on a regular basis? No, of course not. It is just fatal to your wife's ability to R, if you in fact have the desire to R with her. You cannot change what you did in the past, but you can change what you are doing right now. It is up to you. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1378 | Registered: Aug 2010
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and realize that it is best to leave what happened in the past.

I am pulling out this wording because I am curious what you mean. The wording seems to indicate that you realize this is best, and that at some point you expect your BW to also.

But what if it isn't best to leave it in the past, at least not yet? You could be the one who has it wrong.

You put your BW through hell. It is going to take a long time, and it is not linear. There is no statute of limitations.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1785 | Registered: Nov 2010
whatnow999
♂ 35494
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not saying that to discourage you from posting but just as a bit of advice. Nothing is taboo here, just know that a lot of folks here aren't going to pat your bottom and nod their heads in agreement. I'm glad you posted and are looking for help and I hope what I've been trying to delicately as possible say is understood.

I'm not new to SI, so believe me I understand that many/most responses won't be in agreement. What I'm asking is, are there alternate approaches? Is there something to be said for just moving on, full stop? I'd like to discuss that, and that was the motivation behind the post.

I'm travelling at the moment and just waiting in the airport, so I will read up on the threads, and respond once I've read them completely. Thank you for bumping them.

If she was abused as a child, and wanted to cry on your shoulder 30 years later, would you tell her she needs to let it go? Or would you be there?

Of course not. I would like to think I'd be there and be understanding. I'm not discounting, ignoring, or trying to deny her pain. What I'm trying to say is I'm realizing when we have talks about the As, we both are hurt, and we lose focus of what we ought to be focused on. That unless its imperative to focus on, lets not. Because there are more important things and if we are going to restart, like we both want to, we have to let things go.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You list multiple A's. the last one in August 2012. Since you carried right on with the behaviors from 2005 and your wife is just trying to process a very long time line I would expect her to need to talk about it for a very long time.

If you have truly processed what you did to her and to yourself then there shouldn't be so much pain or emotion attached anymore. If it is still so hard for you to discuss you still have some work to do there IMO. If you have processed it and she is still doing so it is an act of love for you to talk about it as much and as long as she need you to.

Do you ever bring it up? Try that. It must cross your mind at times. Why not try sharing that with her? It could help you both and bring you closer. It puts you on the same team.

Good luck


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1525 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
TheClimb
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you are saying about how it hurts both of you to discuss the affairs. Honestly, I think it is just a timing thing. As the BS, at first you just can't wrap your head around it. That's why we keep bringing it up and asking the same questions, over and over again. We are trying to get to "acceptance". Not that we accept the act, but we accept that it happened. I think it is similar to watching the 911 news clips over and over again. You see that airplane hit the building but you just can't believe it, so you watch it again and again. Finally, you just accept that it happened.

I will warn you that I was a complete ass in year two. I was very, very angry. It is a process, a stage you need to go through to get better.

Now, we are over four years past DD#2. I can't remember the last time I mentioned the affair or her name... maybe a year now. Like you, I found that when I brought up something like running into the OW, he was sympathetic but I ended up getting upset and feeling worse. Besides feeling bad about it and apologizing, there is nothing he or I can do about it at this point. So, I stopped telling him when I saw her. I started posted here instead. You guys understand what I am saying, as much as he would like to, he will never know how I feel when I see her. I no longer feel the need to bring up the affair. This is the key for you, Whatnow, I don't know when your wife will no longer feel the need to bring it up, but it will come. I understand how hard it is to be patient and how you must wonder why she keeps picking that scab off. All I can say is that it is a process. If you can think of it in those terms, maybe talking about it won't upset you so much.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
whatnow999
♂ 35494
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You list multiple A's. the last one in August 2012. Since you carried right on with the behaviors from 2005 and your wife is just trying to process a very long time line I would expect her to need to talk about it for a very long time.
If you have truly processed what you did to her and to yourself then there shouldn't be so much pain or emotion attached anymore. If it is still so hard for you to discuss you still have some work to do there IMO. If you have processed it and she is still doing so it is an act of love for you to talk about it as much and as long as she need you to.

Do you ever bring it up? Try that. It must cross your mind at times. Why not try sharing that with her? It could help you both and bring you closer. It puts you on the same team.

Good luck

The affairs started from about when we were dating, according to my wife, so the timeline is actually 2003 on. I understand now, how much of a mind-fuck that has to be for her, and again, I'm sympathetic to that.

It may not be the perfect response, but for the most part, especially when we were dating it was never about Em. I wasn't thinking about her, or cheating to hurt her, or anything like that. I was just selfish, and didn't care enough. That probably doesn't help but it is the truth. And we have talked about it for a year+. The truth is she'll never believe me about the earlier stuff, and I can't honestly remember everything. I have no issues discussing it, beyond that it is uncomfortable and I'd rather not. It isn't that I can't though. I can, but I think our time and effort is better served focusing on other things. That isn't me dismissing the infidelity, but just prioritizing our family over things that happened in the past and are done.

There were affairs last year, and we have discussed it so much. Every single detail has been examined, and she has questioned me about everything. I understand why I did it, and I also understand why it was so wrong.

And to be honest, the affairs really don't cross my mind. There are so many different things going on in our lives, and I have so many other interests that I'd rather focus on. Last year, we both were on SI more frequently, so it was a common topic. Maybe sometimes during a movie or show, I'll think about it. But I don't have moments where I look back on the affairs. But if it does end up coming to me, while I'm with her, I'll definitely bring it up. It might be good for us.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think our time and effort is better served focusing on other things.

It's not up to you to decide what is best for your BS. It's up to her to decide what she needs to move forward and when to move forward. Your selfish way of thinking is what got you in this mess to begin with. Stop trying to control everything and allow her what she needs to heal.

ETA...what you've posted today makes it even more evident to me that you aren't actually remorseful, but instead are pretending to be. It's still about what you want...what you feel and your BS's feelings/healing are not your priority.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13878 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'm asking is, are there alternate approaches? Is there something to be said for just moving on, full stop? I'd like to discuss that, and that was the motivation behind the post.

In short, I would say no. You aren't a newbie, and you aren't really an old-timer yet. I'm still unsure if I can count myself as an old-timer...but what I've noticed is that the alternate approach generally doesn't work. There are basic things that seem to be truth for almost all situations even though each of our situations are slightly (sometimes drastically) unique. And quite honestly, being on SI for just over a year isn't long enough.

The other end of this is that your BW will keep bringing it up until she has processed it in a way that works for her. Where you come in is that you are the barometer for how well she is doing on any given day. Well, that's not entirely true, as she could trigger at any time, or she could be on some part of the roller coaster, or whatever, but your answers and your actions are going to play a significant part in your BW's healing process.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Suspicious  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wn999, your BW feels you are being too detached because you are detached, as demonstrated by your passive voice:

The affairs started...

...prioritizing our family over things that happened in the past and are done.

There were affairs last year...

And to be honest, the affairs...

Yes, shitloads of affairs "happened" last year, as evidenced by the hundreds (thousand-plus?) who signed up on SI. Accidents "happen," affairs are a choice.

When can the past be left in the past? Sometime after you take ownership and attach yourself to what you did, your actions, your choices. As long as you regard this as something that "happened," then what's to stop it from "happening" again? This?

I think I'm able to control that part of myself better.

Not very reassuring.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That unless its imperative to focus on...
Gently, it is. It's imperative to focus on it because traumatized minds require repetition and consistency for a long, long time.

It isn't pleasant. It may seem unnecessary. It isn't.

And the cost of pushing too hard to get past it before its time is enormous.

It's not the past. It's woven into the tapestry of your marriage now. You can weave other things in around it, but it will always be there.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:13 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9135 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...no stop sign so I wanted to mention one dynamic I notice between my wife and I.

I still have moments of wrestling with acceptance...that the affair actually happened..just like another member mentioned earlier. I know this sounds crazy to WS's...and it makes me feel crazy at times too! 10 months out from DD and I am just now getting close to accepting now...but I am here to tell you that my wifes A was such a foreign concept to me, something that just never could happen...that my very being is wrestling with the fact that it happened.

When I mention this feeling to her and ask if she feels the same way she says "NO, I am all to aware that it happened.".

This is a BIG difference between a BS and a WS view of the affair. And I believe it is one of the main culprits to this "out of rythm" feeling many couples experience as they learn to R.

The old saying you have to feel it to heal it holds true here. WS feel it quicker because they usually have already accepted the fact that the affair has happened BEFORE the BS discovers it...they lived every truth within and associated with the affair.. This does NOT mean a WS feels remorse...that is a different matter all together. I would venture to say if they felt remorse the affair would NOT have been discovered by the BS...the WS would have either stopped it or confessed to it.

I simply mean that a WS acknowledges and accepts the very real fact they choose to have an affair and that it did happen...they "grew into" this situation.

BS are slower to heal because they did not have the same opportunity to "grow into" the affair, had no knowledge of it, and are usually missing large pieces during the time of discovery and that horrible time that follows.

Add to this some WS choice to TT and it compounds the issue...adding considerable time for a BS to "feel" and accept the affair...and adds even more lag time between the WS and BS getting in rythm together.

Specifically...my wife told me it was just a friendship and quite proudly at the begining that she never said she loved him. I found this hard to believe, questioned her relentlessly on it, and then when the answer remained the same I took this as fact and began to process the situation. Then sometime later she admitted that they both told each other they loved each other. This changed my reality and I had to start processing over...

Then she told me they were never physical...on one occasion I asked about if he touched her mothers ring. She specifically told me she just pointed to her mothers ring when she talked about it...that he never touched it or her at all. I began processing that...believing the situation was an EA. Later she admitted that they had full on sex...wedding rings still on...resting peacefully on his chest afterwards. I started processing all over again....

I am trying to politely point out how a BS mind is traumatized by a WS actions...both by the initial discovery of the affair and continues to grow as the WS tries in vane to control a situation they simply can not control. WS are delusional in the fact that they THINK they can control their affiar, that they are controlling their emotions, telling themselves things like "I can end this whenever I want" and "We are just friends" and "We have not had sex yet so it is not cheating" and "What my husband doesnt know wont hurt him" and.....

WS fail to realize during the affair that they are actually out of control. Once the affair is uncovered they once again return to this false sense of control of their spouse and start doing harmful things again....

BS's are traumatized in ways the WS can't comprehend and ways a BS never has hurt them in...so a WS "acceptance" time is much quicker. Thus you are at a spot where you are no doubt ready to move on to bigger and better things. As a BS I assure you it is not by choice that we are not side by side with our WS on the recovery and rebuilding time schedule. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my wife would have looked to solve our marital problems (of which none where out of the ordinary) within our marriage rather then step outside of it. THAT action would have resembled the type of healing and repair you think you deserve now. Think about all of the needs that were not getting met inside your marriage pre-A...roll them up into as big a ball as you can...and compare them to the single act of your affair....does not that entire ball pale in size and shape to the reality your affair has made for you both now?

Now the million dollar question....are you prepared to fix that which is broken inside of you? Including this false sense of control over your wife and the beleif that you know what is best for her? Know what they can handle and can't handle?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:38 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 72
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

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