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What if this is as good as it gets?

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Zayda1 posted 7/16/2013 12:28 PM

I feel stuck. I read all the posts about forgiveness and acceptance and I simply don't understand why I can't get to that place.

It has been 15 months and I still get angry at WH. I still trigger when I see the same make/model of her car. I saw her BH in traffic a few weeks ago and I had a panic attack. Shouldn't I be better able to handle these triggers this far out?

dovetool posted 7/16/2013 12:54 PM


10 months in and I ask myself the samething. Cant move forward...

FightingBack posted 7/16/2013 12:58 PM

Zaydal, I think it is because 15 months is not really a long time. I'm almost at the 18 month mark and some days I have hope that maybe I really can be happy in this marriage and then there are days when I sink so low that I feel like I just want to go home.

But I don't know where home is. They say time will help. It dulls the pain. Whether or not things actually get better, I'll tell you when I get there.


HurtButHoping12 posted 7/16/2013 13:00 PM

I'm almost 2 years into R and I often feel the same way. I currently feel stuck and unsure where to go from here and how to move on. And I ask myself, is this really how I want the rest of my life to feel? I'm not sure.

Lucky posted 7/16/2013 13:02 PM

(( Zayda ))
Many have found the second year to be the hardest in the road to R.

I was at my most hurt, angriest, confused etc., during the second year.

Once the shock wears off & you become aware of your new reality it's a very difficult time.

The things you are feeling are sadly very normal for where you are at right now - it can & does get better

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/16/2013 18:44 PM

I'm almost 2 years from DDay and feel more stuck and unsure than I did a year ago. I'm also wondering if "this is as good as it gets".

brkn_heartd posted 7/16/2013 19:54 PM

I couldn't get to forgiveness until my third year. Forgiveness was for me...not him. It helped me to release some of my pain. It is not forgotten and it never will be, but the pain is not as overwhelming as it was.

Zayda1 posted 7/16/2013 20:04 PM

Thank you all. I hate to see so many of us hurting, but it does help knowing that what I'm feeling is normal.

Hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

sri624 posted 7/16/2013 23:59 PM

i think what you are feeling is very normal...i know i hurt everyday....every single day.

betraydtwice posted 7/17/2013 00:19 AM

So is it worth it then?? I ask myself this question everyday.. Then I read you guys and I think to myself 2 yrs!!! WTF!! I can't do this for 2 yrs.. can I??

kansas1968 posted 7/17/2013 01:20 AM

Yes, you can do it for two years. Fifteen months is probably just the starting place for recovery, not the end game.
I remember early on that I didn't think I could do it for a month, let alone years. But at 2 and a half years, I am still here, still with WS and still struggling at times. It is better, but still not wonderful.
The genereal consensus is two to five years. Infidelity is one of the most devastating blows that life has to offer us, because it is a betrayal. Time will heal the pain if the WS is remorseful, honest, and builds back your trust by his actions.
Just keep telling yourself that you can leave anytime you want to, and then just get through one more day. So, so, sorry you are dealing with this pain. It is horrible....

Alex CR posted 7/17/2013 05:39 AM

For me, it was closer to three years before all the anger and the constant triggers became a memory rather than a daily or weekly occurrence. Now approaching year four, it is much better and on days I don't visit SI, I don't think of the A much at all.

At fifteen months I think you are just getting through the hardest part of the pain and anger. I think giving it more time and not expecting so much from yourself might help. I had to work at using the STOP sign when thoughts of the A would interrupt my day. At first, it was hard, but eventually became a habit. I started to make a deal with myself I would take 10 or 15 minutes to think about the A later in the day or week when I knew I had time...kind'a like an appointment and it helped a lot for me to do that. I would get on with whatever I wanted to do and focus on the A during that timeframe and then shut off the thoughts until the next appointment.

Betrayal by someone we love is truly damaging and it takes time - time for the WS to prove they care, time to show they are remorseful and time to prove they have changed their ways so we can heal.

Be kind to yourself and keep reading and learning ........(((Zayda1)))

[This message edited by Alex CR at 5:40 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Zayda1 posted 7/17/2013 06:49 AM

Thank you Alex. I'm considering going back to IC to help me deal with my anger/rage. I feel so out of control and it scares me. I know part of my issue is trying to control everything, but I need to learn how to let go and just be.

I also find it hard to feel my anger without feeling like I'm getting out of control and having it get the best of me. It seems a fine line between stuffing my feelings and acknowledging my feelings.

I used to tell WH when I was angry, then take 10 to 15 minutes to myself to calm down. Our MC didn't like that I was doing that because he worries I am not feeling my anger and am stuffing my feelings.

Arghh, this is so hard for me to navigate. I am so scared to make a wrong turn or take a wrong step that I am almost paralyzed by it.

karmahappens posted 7/17/2013 06:51 AM

I had to be on the 5 year plan.

What you are going through now, to me seems "normal".

But you have to remember, after an A there isn't really a normal anymore.

I was able to go forward because my H continued to do what I needed to help me heal and put us and our marriage first.

Because he was/is able to own the A, fix himself and help me in my healing I felt safer staying...I didn't feel "safe" again probably until a few months after our 5 year anti.

At that point the lingering issues were mine to deal with, letting go and stuff like that.

So yeah, 15 months...I wouldn't worry about it unless you are seeing negative signs from your H that he cannot continue to carry the weight.

As much as this is a long road for us, the road and responsibility on them is just as long and heavy.

Good luck :)

ETA: And no, at 15 months is NOT as good as it gets.

At almost 6 years we have a great life. It's possible, with 2 willing, hard-working people :) Whats funny (hmmm funny, not ha ha funny) is when I look back at the first 2 years a lot of it is fuzzy and it seems so long ago...THAT amazes me.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:53 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 7/17/2013 08:22 AM

I need to learn how to let go and just be.

You get that standing over yourself saying, 'Faster! Faster! And don't be angry!' isn't exactly the best way to get there, right?

I read that you're concerned about the intensity of your anger, so by all means check it out. But make sure the IC you choose is experienced in helping people heal from infidelity and/or trauma, because your anger could be normal.

This isn't a competition. Everybody finds his/her own path through this. There are myriad steps that one has to go through, but the order doesn't much matter. I 'forgave' on D-Day - that enabled me to process my grief, anger at my W, and fear. I still haven't fully accepted the hurt, though. Others don't forgive until after they've processed their feelings. Still others don't forgive at all.

You can learn from others' experiences on SI, but the only path that really means anything to your healing is yours.

The more you push yourself to get through this, the slower you'll go. It takes time to learn that, though, and you sound like you're pretty much on track for that.

Keep thinking 2 - 5 years from the last hurt. The best way to shorten the time you need is to take the time pressure off. Let it take what it takes. Really, it does start to get easier and time goes on.

1Faith posted 7/17/2013 17:47 PM

We all want to fast track our healing. We can't - it's a process that you have to go through. It's a devastation you never knew was possible.

On average it is 2-5 years to recover. Triggers happen; you're pissed; it sucks.

Don't deny yourself theses feelings - you HAVE to feel them.

It's a long and hard road but you CAN make it. Be strong and demand respect

ladies_first posted 7/17/2013 18:03 PM

Zayda, didn't you just receive & read his A Timeline?

Be kind to yourself. You've been through an extended trauma.

Zayda1 posted 7/17/2013 20:39 PM

Ladies first you are correct, I did receive his timeline a couple of weeks ago. I did know "most" of what happened, but there were some things that surprised me

I don't feel that it set me back as I was able to process the time line fairly quickly and without too much drama.

I do feel stuck on the fact that they both knew what they were doing. When he took her to our basement to have sex he said he couldn't take her to our bed and she said "I understand". This is just so messed up to me.

We have MC in a couple of weeks. I plan on making a list of things to discuss. Thank you all for your kind words and insight. I really appreciate it.

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