WH is doing anything I would possibly ask of him, and more. We talk alot about everything and he answers, without defense, every question I have. He has also added details I didn't know (like an addiction to pornography)
I have told OBS, who must have confronted OW, who denied all and then emailed WH denying all. WH told OBS he would answer any questions OBS had.
I have full access to all of WH's accounts and his laptop. He's running software to try to recover the emails, etc. he deleted.
I have forgiven him for the affair and the pornography. The affair is 3 years in the past and I don't need to hold on to that. He has emotionally cut ties with our relationship several times, and that's where my struggle is at this point.
I feel that, down the road, assuming he's still on the path he's on and keeps with his counseling, I would, ideally, want to reconcile. It's not going to happen anytime soon. He's not in a good place yet and I'm not ready, but I believe it's where I would like to see things.
So, my question is, seeing that I would like to attempt to reconcile in the future, do I tell my family what is going on? This isn't about protecting him as much as it's about keeping others from impeding on our track forward. I'm worried that my parents, especially, will be unbearable. We spend alot of time with my family and live within walking distance of most of them, so it's a big consideration.
I work with my family and I know they all know something is up - I'm really not getting my job done like I should these days. Sometimes, I feel like I need to tell them so that they cut me a little slack, but other times, I feel it will only cause damage to the recovery.
My family and friends are very protective of me and have long memories. I didn't want them to hold something against him that I intended to forgive. I also didn't want to have it thrown back in my face if it happened again or if the R didn't work out. Even with good intentions, sometimes my people can be judgmental and hold grudges.
I've told all of my friends and family about the second dday because I knew it was over. I also filed for D and it was part of explaining that decision.
Even if you don't tell any of your family or close friends, I would suggest speaking to a therapist anyway. Sometimes there are issues lingering beneath the surface that can affect you and R.
I cried in my office every day at work for months. People saw. I couldn't help it and people were concerned. So I would tell them.
Hell, I told a cashier a Walmart one day because she commented about how pretty my necklace was. "Yes, it is. My asshole cheating good-for-nothing husband bought it for me for Xmas last year." I even told the Verizon guy when I called to have his cell phone taken off my bill. Funny thing, he said he was going thru something similar with his girlfriend.
I did lose 1 friend when we got back together. She was very adament that I should divorce him. Everyone else has been cautiously supportive - for me.
It's up to you who you choose to tell. But ultimately, it's not your cross to bare. I'm glad my family and friends know though. They now understand if I'm upset at a certain situation, movie, song, etc. And they can also help me hold my husband accountable for his actions going forward.
I'll regularly see people out in public who will ask how my WW is doing. My response, "since she's having an A with one the pilots she flies with, I guess she' s doing OK".
Harsh, you bet, but since there's no hope of R, my give a f#ck meter is at 0.
Yep, everyone has a different take on it. You'll hear all of us, including me in about 2 seconds, give you very valid reasons for telling or not.
I haven't told a soul except my therapist. It works for me. This shit is so complicated as it is. I don't want to hash it and re-hash it with people. I don't want pity stares. I don't want people fumbling around wondering what they should do with WH and I, how to act, etc. Even people who are awesome with their support...well, I'd still be concerned about what they hell they were thinking. I don't want one more single thing to think or emote about...and when you tell other people, usually there is more thinking and emoting, surrounding you. I do that in therapy or on my own or with WH. I also go to group therapy, but i don't talk about the infidelity per se, but I talk vaguely about "hurts" and that's enough for me to get support.
I feel really alone, mostly.
If I wasn't interested in R, I would tell everyone :)