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Newest Member: Krissz (61514)

User Topic: Thoughts on telling others about the affair?
♀ 39776
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have only told a handful of people about the affair - most from our church an then I have talked with one friend (and the doctor who did my STD screening).

WH is doing anything I would possibly ask of him, and more. We talk alot about everything and he answers, without defense, every question I have. He has also added details I didn't know (like an addiction to pornography)

I have told OBS, who must have confronted OW, who denied all and then emailed WH denying all. WH told OBS he would answer any questions OBS had.

I have full access to all of WH's accounts and his laptop. He's running software to try to recover the emails, etc. he deleted.

I have forgiven him for the affair and the pornography. The affair is 3 years in the past and I don't need to hold on to that. He has emotionally cut ties with our relationship several times, and that's where my struggle is at this point.

I feel that, down the road, assuming he's still on the path he's on and keeps with his counseling, I would, ideally, want to reconcile. It's not going to happen anytime soon. He's not in a good place yet and I'm not ready, but I believe it's where I would like to see things.

So, my question is, seeing that I would like to attempt to reconcile in the future, do I tell my family what is going on? This isn't about protecting him as much as it's about keeping others from impeding on our track forward. I'm worried that my parents, especially, will be unbearable. We spend alot of time with my family and live within walking distance of most of them, so it's a big consideration.

I work with my family and I know they all know something is up - I'm really not getting my job done like I should these days. Sometimes, I feel like I need to tell them so that they cut me a little slack, but other times, I feel it will only cause damage to the recovery.

Thoughts, opinions?

BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After our first dday, I did not tell anyone because we worked on R.

My family and friends are very protective of me and have long memories. I didn't want them to hold something against him that I intended to forgive. I also didn't want to have it thrown back in my face if it happened again or if the R didn't work out. Even with good intentions, sometimes my people can be judgmental and hold grudges.

I've told all of my friends and family about the second dday because I knew it was over. I also filed for D and it was part of explaining that decision.

Even if you don't tell any of your family or close friends, I would suggest speaking to a therapist anyway. Sometimes there are issues lingering beneath the surface that can affect you and R.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only told people who I knew would be supportive of whatever decision I made. My SIL knows, but we haven't (and won't tell his parents). My mother knows, but not my dad or my sister. I waited several months to tell my mom.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mixed feelings. Mixed feelings change weekly. We told no one. My daughter and son know (grown) They were home at the time. We didnt tell anyone because it was work related. SHe was fired and lost her home. (my request) Was unemployed for 7 months, and since lost 5 jobs. He was afraid she would cause work problems. He didnt want to risk his career. Nothing like getting thrown under the bus....By both of us. There are days, I feel like hes getting away with murder. And then there are times I am glad I dont have to explain myself over and over . If we are doing great or doing awful. It is a rollercoaster. It is an experience you cant really understand until its yours. And when it happens to them, They will get it then. Unfortunately.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 2996 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♀ 9973
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The less people you tell (for now) will be better for YOU if you opt to reconcile.
Even if you (understandably) want to share your pain with everyone in your life for support, consider not doing so (for now)
You can always share later, but you can't untell who you tell.
That is why SI has been a lifesaver!

As of 10/30/16 I'm in WTF mode.
Ten+ years out. Stunned.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out agai

Posts: 2875 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has to decide for themselves but I told Everyone! Mine left. Just left. For a COW who lives 1600 miles away and that he had never touched. After 20 yrs together, I was totally devastated. Suddenly I was a single parent of 2 boys who were also devasted.

I cried in my office every day at work for months. People saw. I couldn't help it and people were concerned. So I would tell them.

Hell, I told a cashier a Walmart one day because she commented about how pretty my necklace was. "Yes, it is. My asshole cheating good-for-nothing husband bought it for me for Xmas last year." I even told the Verizon guy when I called to have his cell phone taken off my bill. Funny thing, he said he was going thru something similar with his girlfriend.

I did lose 1 friend when we got back together. She was very adament that I should divorce him. Everyone else has been cautiously supportive - for me.

It's up to you who you choose to tell. But ultimately, it's not your cross to bare. I'm glad my family and friends know though. They now understand if I'm upset at a certain situation, movie, song, etc. And they can also help me hold my husband accountable for his actions going forward.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♂ 31891
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to my WW, she's only told her two closest friends what she's doing. I on the other hand have told EVERYONE who will listen. I teach indoor cycling at the gym, all my regulars know. Most of them also know my WW as she also used to instruct at the gym.

I'll regularly see people out in public who will ask how my WW is doing. My response, "since she's having an A with one the pilots she flies with, I guess she' s doing OK".

Harsh, you bet, but since there's no hope of R, my give a f#ck meter is at 0.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I would wait and then wait some more. You can't undo telling. Whereas, if you're finding the support you need now via church, therapy, etc. - you may find you don't need anyone further to be there for you. And, at this point, with a remorseful H, there is really no other reason to tell people except to gain support (via venting, hand-holding, whatever). You can see where you are at a few months from now. If you need the extra support, then consider telling. Right now, hold tight. You'll drop a bomb (which may be a good thing) but it can't be undone (which sucks if dropping the bomb doesn't work out).

Yep, everyone has a different take on it. You'll hear all of us, including me in about 2 seconds, give you very valid reasons for telling or not.

I haven't told a soul except my therapist. It works for me. This shit is so complicated as it is. I don't want to hash it and re-hash it with people. I don't want pity stares. I don't want people fumbling around wondering what they should do with WH and I, how to act, etc. Even people who are awesome with their support...well, I'd still be concerned about what they hell they were thinking. I don't want one more single thing to think or emote about...and when you tell other people, usually there is more thinking and emoting, surrounding you. I do that in therapy or on my own or with WH. I also go to group therapy, but i don't talk about the infidelity per se, but I talk vaguely about "hurts" and that's enough for me to get support.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told several people. My parents my sister my boss & a couple co workers that I feel close to - had to tell them cause we all woeked in close proximity & it affected my work & thy could tell something was wrong. Told my pastor, 2 men at church who knew him. 3 lady friends from church. My IC & MC. I knew all these people would support me no matter what I decided. I knew they would be kind to him but also be straight with him & would tell him he is wrong. they did each in their own way speak into his life in one way or another. I did call his favorite sister at the very last when he filed for divorce & I felt like we were done but did t tell any of his other damily all. I figured he could tell them at yhe next family reunion when i was not there. She chose to keep it to herself & supported me instead of him. She was sickened by his actions. I don't regret telling any of them.

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 1 1986 EA Confessed,Rugswept
DDay 2 11/25/2012 EA/PA Caught
TT 9/9/13 Lies,Pictures
In R
OW:20 yrs younger M-CwOW

Posts: 228 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 39776
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your honesty. I have pondered over this since hour 1 of D-Day. There are times when I really could use someone to confide in and vent to, but I really don't want to answer to anyone but me and WH about this, at least at this point.

I feel really alone, mostly.
If I wasn't interested in R, I would tell everyone :)

BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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