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Thoughts on telling others about the affair?

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cocototo2 posted 7/16/2013 12:34 PM

WH and I have only told a handful of people about the affair - most from our church an then I have talked with one friend (and the doctor who did my STD screening).

WH is doing anything I would possibly ask of him, and more. We talk alot about everything and he answers, without defense, every question I have. He has also added details I didn't know (like an addiction to pornography)

I have told OBS, who must have confronted OW, who denied all and then emailed WH denying all. WH told OBS he would answer any questions OBS had.

I have full access to all of WH's accounts and his laptop. He's running software to try to recover the emails, etc. he deleted.

I have forgiven him for the affair and the pornography. The affair is 3 years in the past and I don't need to hold on to that. He has emotionally cut ties with our relationship several times, and that's where my struggle is at this point.

I feel that, down the road, assuming he's still on the path he's on and keeps with his counseling, I would, ideally, want to reconcile. It's not going to happen anytime soon. He's not in a good place yet and I'm not ready, but I believe it's where I would like to see things.

So, my question is, seeing that I would like to attempt to reconcile in the future, do I tell my family what is going on? This isn't about protecting him as much as it's about keeping others from impeding on our track forward. I'm worried that my parents, especially, will be unbearable. We spend alot of time with my family and live within walking distance of most of them, so it's a big consideration.

I work with my family and I know they all know something is up - I'm really not getting my job done like I should these days. Sometimes, I feel like I need to tell them so that they cut me a little slack, but other times, I feel it will only cause damage to the recovery.

Thoughts, opinions?

Rainbows posted 7/16/2013 12:56 PM

After our first dday, I did not tell anyone because we worked on R.

My family and friends are very protective of me and have long memories. I didn't want them to hold something against him that I intended to forgive. I also didn't want to have it thrown back in my face if it happened again or if the R didn't work out. Even with good intentions, sometimes my people can be judgmental and hold grudges.

I've told all of my friends and family about the second dday because I knew it was over. I also filed for D and it was part of explaining that decision.

Even if you don't tell any of your family or close friends, I would suggest speaking to a therapist anyway. Sometimes there are issues lingering beneath the surface that can affect you and R.

musiclovingmom posted 7/16/2013 13:00 PM

I only told people who I knew would be supportive of whatever decision I made. My SIL knows, but we haven't (and won't tell his parents). My mother knows, but not my dad or my sister. I waited several months to tell my mom.

cancuncrushed posted 7/16/2013 15:14 PM

I have mixed feelings. Mixed feelings change weekly. We told no one. My daughter and son know (grown) They were home at the time. We didnt tell anyone because it was work related. SHe was fired and lost her home. (my request) Was unemployed for 7 months, and since lost 5 jobs. He was afraid she would cause work problems. He didnt want to risk his career. Nothing like getting thrown under the bus....By both of us. There are days, I feel like hes getting away with murder. And then there are times I am glad I dont have to explain myself over and over . If we are doing great or doing awful. It is a rollercoaster. It is an experience you cant really understand until its yours. And when it happens to them, They will get it then. Unfortunately.

Runninggirl posted 7/16/2013 18:17 PM

The less people you tell (for now) will be better for YOU if you opt to reconcile.
Even if you (understandably) want to share your pain with everyone in your life for support, consider not doing so (for now)
You can always share later, but you can't untell who you tell.
That is why SI has been a lifesaver!

TXBW68 posted 7/16/2013 18:40 PM

Everyone has to decide for themselves but I told Everyone! Mine left. Just left. For a COW who lives 1600 miles away and that he had never touched. After 20 yrs together, I was totally devastated. Suddenly I was a single parent of 2 boys who were also devasted.

I cried in my office every day at work for months. People saw. I couldn't help it and people were concerned. So I would tell them.

Hell, I told a cashier a Walmart one day because she commented about how pretty my necklace was. "Yes, it is. My asshole cheating good-for-nothing husband bought it for me for Xmas last year." I even told the Verizon guy when I called to have his cell phone taken off my bill. Funny thing, he said he was going thru something similar with his girlfriend.

I did lose 1 friend when we got back together. She was very adament that I should divorce him. Everyone else has been cautiously supportive - for me.

It's up to you who you choose to tell. But ultimately, it's not your cross to bare. I'm glad my family and friends know though. They now understand if I'm upset at a certain situation, movie, song, etc. And they can also help me hold my husband accountable for his actions going forward.

jimbo25319 posted 7/16/2013 19:37 PM

According to my WW, she's only told her two closest friends what she's doing. I on the other hand have told EVERYONE who will listen. I teach indoor cycling at the gym, all my regulars know. Most of them also know my WW as she also used to instruct at the gym.

I'll regularly see people out in public who will ask how my WW is doing. My response, "since she's having an A with one the pilots she flies with, I guess she' s doing OK".

Harsh, you bet, but since there's no hope of R, my give a f#ck meter is at 0.

RockyMtn posted 7/16/2013 20:07 PM

Honestly, I would wait and then wait some more. You can't undo telling. Whereas, if you're finding the support you need now via church, therapy, etc. - you may find you don't need anyone further to be there for you. And, at this point, with a remorseful H, there is really no other reason to tell people except to gain support (via venting, hand-holding, whatever). You can see where you are at a few months from now. If you need the extra support, then consider telling. Right now, hold tight. You'll drop a bomb (which may be a good thing) but it can't be undone (which sucks if dropping the bomb doesn't work out).

Yep, everyone has a different take on it. You'll hear all of us, including me in about 2 seconds, give you very valid reasons for telling or not.

I haven't told a soul except my therapist. It works for me. This shit is so complicated as it is. I don't want to hash it and re-hash it with people. I don't want pity stares. I don't want people fumbling around wondering what they should do with WH and I, how to act, etc. Even people who are awesome with their support...well, I'd still be concerned about what they hell they were thinking. I don't want one more single thing to think or emote about...and when you tell other people, usually there is more thinking and emoting, surrounding you. I do that in therapy or on my own or with WH. I also go to group therapy, but i don't talk about the infidelity per se, but I talk vaguely about "hurts" and that's enough for me to get support.

undonelife posted 7/16/2013 20:27 PM

I told several people. My parents my sister my boss & a couple co workers that I feel close to - had to tell them cause we all woeked in close proximity & it affected my work & thy could tell something was wrong. Told my pastor, 2 men at church who knew him. 3 lady friends from church. My IC & MC. I knew all these people would support me no matter what I decided. I knew they would be kind to him but also be straight with him & would tell him he is wrong. they did each in their own way speak into his life in one way or another. I did call his favorite sister at the very last when he filed for divorce & I felt like we were done but did t tell any of his other damily all. I figured he could tell them at yhe next family reunion when i was not there. She chose to keep it to herself & supported me instead of him. She was sickened by his actions. I don't regret telling any of them.

cocototo2 posted 7/16/2013 20:52 PM

Thank you all for your honesty. I have pondered over this since hour 1 of D-Day. There are times when I really could use someone to confide in and vent to, but I really don't want to answer to anyone but me and WH about this, at least at this point.

I feel really alone, mostly.
If I wasn't interested in R, I would tell everyone :)

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