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rollercoaster-18 days after d-day

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Hasslesmom posted 7/16/2013 12:49 PM

Last week after we went to marriage counceling i thought that everything was looking up and then that night i found out that he had lied at the counceling appt and said that he didnt think about OW that he still does and that it doesnt feel right for him to still be thinking about her (wondering what she is doing, if she thinks about him, how much he hurt her feelings etc), i also found out that night that the OW is 21, not 24 as i had thought. i believe that he was in an emotional affair for longer than the sexual affair, which according to WH AND OW, was 6 weeks. he is almost 39 and she 21. anyway finding these little things has set me back and i told him i wanted out. mostly just to try and shake him up and wake him up. i feel like i am the only one really putting the full effort in. he said if thats really what you want to do. anyway i broke down and confronted him on not being able to understand how he is so willing to let me walk away and forget 10 years (7 married) he says that he doesnt know who he is anymore as he doesnt understand how he made the decision to have the affair, that the man he knew or thought he was would never have done this. he says that he loves me and always will but that he cant handle seeing me go through this pain that he has inflicted and still is. i personally think thats a bullshit excuse, anyway i plead with him to give us a chance and see if we could both learn to forgive. him to forgive himself and me to forgive him. i know i am insecure right now and down on everything, but i truly dont feel that he wants this to work as bad as i do. that he is assuming that he has damaged the marriage too bad and maybe doesnt think that any effort to save it will work. he has always became emotionally withdrawn so its easy for me to assume things. he has done some research on infidelitys so i will give him kuddos for that, but i need more. we are going to the counselor again today and i plan to bring up this in the session.... any advice?

unarmbears posted 7/16/2013 13:15 PM


I am so sorry your WH is still lingering in the fog. It is so painful and sets you back.

Have you read about the 180 in the healing library? Here is the link:

I also recommend that he read "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to better understand how you are feeling.

Paying attention to actions, not words will help you most right now. Talk is cheap, actions speak loudly of intent!

Sadly it does take some WS's time for the rose colored glasses of the A come off and for some they never do!

The 180 will help you detach a bit and be able to meet your own needs rather than trying to meet his.

Do verify if there is ongoing contact. That is often a reason for lingering fog.

1Faith posted 7/16/2013 17:36 PM


He is still in a fog. He is not dealing with what he has done to you, your marriage or your family.

Nothing he has with this 21 year old is based on reality. It is based on lies and deceit. It is easier to wonder about her than it is to deal with the mess he has created. All that was fun, exciting and new. Rainbows and sunshine not mortgages and kids, and real life.

he is assuming that he has damaged the marriage too bad and maybe doesnt think that any effort to save it will work

That is a cop out and a coward's response.

He spent how many months dedicating himself to a lie? He can't/won't put the hard work in to working on his marriage?

It takes on average 2-5 years to heal from an affair. It is a long road but you can make it if he is willing to do the hard work and stand by you through your pain and despair. Too bad he can't stand seeing you go through the pain. He caused this pain, he needs to stick around and administer CPR at this point. Action and accountability.

He needs IC for himself to figure out why he allowed himself to cheat.

Hang in there and know that you are better than being an option.

Read the 180 and try to take back some of the power.

Good luck. You will be okay. I promise you will.

newnormal posted 7/19/2013 21:06 PM

Unarmbears nailed my suggestions.

((((Hugs)))) Hang in there. This part of the ride gets really bumpy and wild. Take care of yourself. Make you a priority. Don't wait for wh to get out of the fog. By doing the 180, you startb your healing.

Pippy posted 7/20/2013 12:50 PM

Yes, no more "pleading" with him. That chases them away.

And that excuse about he can't handle seeing you go through the pain. That's blame shifting of the lowest kind.

The 180 is in the healing Library under BS FAQs #11. It will help you get stronger. Meanwhile go underground with your sleuthing and make copies of everything financial, just in case. It gives you a feeling of some power over what you are going through at a time when you most need it. Hugs.

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