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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Do/did you let WS know how to help you?
circleoflife
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious to know if as BS you have let your WS know how to help you? I understand the 180 aspect. I also understand the WS having to heal themselves as well. But when in R and the WS being transparent, attentive, and also helping the BS heal, did you let them know what would help? or let the WS figure it out?


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I let him know what I needed. He's not a mind reader and clearly what he had been doing before didn't work, so it was me letting him know and then allowing him to succeed or fail on his own.

I never had to do the 180. FWH was transparent, NC with OW, all the "right things" immediately, so it didn't make sense to 180.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Sep 2011
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...did you let them know what would help? or let the WS figure it out?

I was very clear with FWW on what I needed from her to just "not divorce". Once we got past that and into R I continued to make my needs, wants, and desires known. She got bonus points for anything she did that was fun, helped me work through, and was above and beyond.

We also read the 7 Love Langusges and it was a real insight to how we each express and recive expressions of love.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, anytime you can think of something tangible that your WS can do to help you, by all means relay that. It took me a while to figure out that when I triggered, I felt unloved, unimportant, unspecial, replacable. My love language is words of affirmation. So when I got smacked in the head with an unpleasant reminder, and started screeching, what I REALLY needed was verbal reassurance, and letting him know that empowered him to actually do something to help me feel better, rather than just bask in the verbal barrage that left us both feeling worse. Yes, let him/her know!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6923 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a note - the 180 is for you only if your H is unremorseful and you want to R. If he's remorseful, and you're both on board with R, the 180 is likely to be counter-productive.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I actually know what will help, I tell him. Sometimes I honestly don't know if there is anything he can do and I tell him that too. When I shut down without telling him what is wrong or how he can help, he's left in the dark and I get mad because he isn't meeting my needs - never mind that he has NO idea what those needs are.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to tell FWH what I need every day.

I think there's a happy medium. You can't hope that they will read our minds, but you also shouldn't have to do all the legwork.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
justdoit
♀ 25898
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell him but sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. He has a tendency to do what he thinks I should want - sort of like when your cat brings you a dead mouse and can't figure out why you don't want it.


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
circleoflife
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies.
I appreciate a lot some of the insight I get here.
sisoon--Thank you. I struggle with this one as to know when or not to. if that makes sense.
I was writing down some things to help me and then help WS understand and I was on a roll and then bam, power went out and I didn't have it saved in my drafts. Guess it's a sign to hold off for today!


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'd known what to tell him, I would have. But beyond the transparency, etc. (none of which I got), no.

I had no idea how to help me.

And ultimately, I had to do it myself. (We all do, really--but it's nice to have a supportive, remorseful spouse to help.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9042 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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